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After troubleshooting my microphone for an hour, I discovered it wasn't plugged in. Needless to say, I'm opening an issue on Github

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If it makes you feel any better, I sent a laptop to be repaired in Germany because I thought the headphone jack wasn't working. When it came back with notes saying "Problem could not be replicated", I tried it again, turns out I hadn't been plugging my headphones in all the way.