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I love Ludum Dare, love running it. Few know how much I've sacrificed to keep it going. I sincerely tried to find work, jobs, arrangements that could afford me to keep it going, but after more than a year of reflection AND my complete utter failure to secure any job (useful to LD or not) broke me. 😔

It was inevitable. I've debated quitting dozens of times, but as everything I tried to build in parallel around me failed, running LD was both the thing that saved me and my prison. If I don't hang on I have nothing, I'm nobody. It also means everything, having a way to help so many like me. 🥹

I never felt I was a charitable person growing up. I was however someone that always bent over backwards for friends. My bonds with people are precious to me. In my mind I've never been popular, important, or famous, I just had friends...lots of friends. HOLY CRAP LD IS A FRIEND MAKING MACHINE! 😳

I care too much about helping my friends. I could be on a critical deadline, but if I know a friend is in need, I will choose them (for better or worse). It's why I refuse to join chatrooms and temp-ban myself from social media: I can't stop myself from trying to help, to meditate, to understand. 😔

I think this illustrates my dilemma. Ludum Dare has been a gift, a way for me to make and reach so many friends, many I don't even know I have yet 🥹. Meeting fans of the event makes me so happy ☺️. I felt like such an ass the first time, I desperately needed to teach myself how to take praise 😅.

I pride myself on my technical skill, my ability to solve hard problems, but it's true I don't spend everyday in the trenches like I once did. I'm confident I can tackle anything, but I can't give a next day lecture on it, nor can I tell you the perfect solution to anything, only that I can find it.

Maybe I've just been unbelievably unlucky in my job search. Who knows. 🤷 All I want is to not have to worry as much. Not having to worry about my bills, my future (when I'm unable to work), not having to worry as much about what others think of me, or worry about not having done enough for them. 😔

And ya, I built a thing. We built a thing, and it's bigger than all of us. But for everything I've "done wrong", it terrifies me that nobody has built anything better in 20+ years! That makes me worry. I didn't want to worry about choosing the wrong people or plan. So, I created an opportunity.