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Starting the morning with BadBrain. I saw a few "year I started drawing to now" posts on my feed and got incredibly frustrated, again, with how I keep fucking locking up and trauma dumping on what is basically easy exercises. I am pushing myself to get over this fucking wall but goddamn is it hard.

I do wonder if my brain, even after 15 years, subconsciously just locks up because it is trying to prevent another 2011 from happening, which ironically is causing me more mental and emotional suffering because of it. Because it associates drawing with the worst point in my life.

Just so we are clear, I am hellbent on not letting the subconscious part of my brain win out over this. It has made learning drawing, 3d modeling, writing and even trying to do ramp up content creation extremely hard. But I am not going to let it win.