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Introduce yourself as what almost killed you: at the summer camp where kids spend a week building a treehouse and then spend the last night watching horror movies and sleeping in it; i'm the jagged foot-long bit of 2x4 that was only a quarter-turn away from impaling that teen volunteer in the head

(instead the broad side of it just smacked me in the forehead; they fired me from volunteering for swearing)

(some other kid was prying it off the tree with a crowbar and the end of the board snapped off and boomeranged at my head; no joke if i was standing six inches in any direction i would be dead or at very least blind and brain-damaged)

Wow, that’s wild