The Humble Magnificent

Roughly every 3 months someone I've never interacted with blocks me - big custard watches ever on.

Ugh. It's the hope that kills you, well that and Tuchel's diabolical game management.

Come on England. And then wipe it off.

#paneng

Autocorrected semen to seen... Ruined a perfectly good mum joke.

You've petted your last shop boy

Next person to mention 1976 outs themselves as having brain damage.

Pitch an unnecessary sequel: Postdator

How I feel when someone blocks me.

Once a name, now a nickname for English tourists travelling to the Philippines

New pants needed, send help

If anyone's thinking of going to see Iron Lung, here's my review for The Times: Nothing happens, nothing happens, nothing happens, nothing happens, monster eats submarine.

Douchemaxxing

I have a cold - 2 days and counting

You've heard of elf on a shelf, but have you heard of elf in the fucking bin?

It is my birthday. Today I will mostly be cheese and port.

How are you today?

Happy friday. I make electronic music as a hobby (No AI), I have a 4 track EP coming out on the 24th October. If that's your bag, there's this... thisbepeeps.bandcamp.com/album/lost-i...

'Groypers' is the name for when your pants go up your bum.

Ruin a book by adding "Tom Clancy's" to the title Tom Clancy's Somatic Exercises For Dummies

It's a yes from me

"Last Night a DJ saved my life" - InDeep (Michael Cleveland) A song about a local disc-jockey who'd completed a St. John's Ambulance course.

Holidone. #zante

Get this man on a bed of Macaroni Cheese #idrlabs #foodtest

My gf just ordered me outside to fart, I shouted "I have rights, have you not read the Magna Farta". I think she might leave me.

A guy (late 50's) at the gym said he "boffed" Will Young's sister and I cringed so hard I got a hernia.

I'm amazed Guy Ritchie has never done one of his caper movies set at Christmas called 'Mint Spy'

Caught myself balancing my tablet between my gut and desk whilst checking a web build between devices... Now at the gym.

This guy is an absolute balloon, which has been apparent for a long time, but refusing to help people in the face of fascist genocide in the name of moral virtue on the record is pretty incredible. It shows up the blinkered perspective of the pious pretty starkly.

Found a place that'll sell you an outdoors, grass fed plantation owner.

Christchurch food festival, or as it is about to be known, Christchurch fart festival

Mother in law (Farage fan, Daily Mail reader) received 2 life saving operations recently says "NHS not fit for purpose and should be disbanded" after cosmetic surgery gets pushed back.

As I put the finishing touches on my homemade presentation box, replete with a tassled velvet cushion, my son turns to me and says "Wow dad, what an absolute grit show"

Currently making a text adventure game with card battle mechanics, investigation mechanics and a few mini-games in Lua. I am not organised enough for this.

Genuinely can't believe that serial twerp, rabble-rouser and GB News sex pest Grimes has been elected as a councillor. What's wrong, Durham County?

Beethoven as Blofeld's cat in From Russia with Love

My cat says "Fuck you", and he is correct

Delight your friends named Peter by telling them that their name is the French intransitive verb to fart. je pète tu pètes il/elle pète

Watch me talk to a room full of people called Tanya on OnlyTans