Angry People in Local Newspapers

PINNED TWEET: It’s a cat. That panther you saw, that wolf, that yeti, that ghost, that strange light in the sky. Cat. It’s always a cat.

“Let’s drive 400 kilometres to Mildura to see a giant sultana” God knows I would.

Happy birthday Ayrton, we hope the lorry had an amusing name. #NiceThings

Meanwhile in Germany 🇩🇪: Emergency services rescue a man who was trying to rob electrical appliances from a recycling bin. Bonus content: Police found he had an outstanding arrest warrant, and whatever the German for “You’re nicked, Sonny Jim” is, that.

Happy 17th anniversary to this pumpkin-based disappointment, and the knowledge that this pair of monsters are now adults, delighted with the reminder. www.dorsetecho.co.uk/news/4704471...

One of those feel-good stories that you think is a cliché, but it really isn’t. #NiceThings

Police are looking for a Mr Ea-Nasir, of 1 Old Street, Ur, Kingdom of Babylon.

SPAM ADVERT: I have questions. So many questions.

Meanwhile in Norway 🇳🇴: Shoppers are SHOCKED to discover that their tins of “Christmas Soda” are actually in Summer Soda tins with a different label (however the makers swear that it really is the Christmas drink, but they have a shortage of cans)

Meanwhile in Sweden (again) 🇸🇪: Locals are FUMMIN because a cleaner accidentally set the church bells off at 6.18am

Never argue with the Moderator Bot. The Moderator Bot is tired of your shit, even if it is perfectly legal.

Meanwhile in Sweden 🇸🇪: Disappointment over AI-generated chocolate advent calendar where Santa has no hands and the table is on fire.

Drivers: Please stop crashing into Inspector Morse’s house.

That’s what you get if you don’t pay the Ryanair £50 “I’m tired of life, please attempt to land in 80mph winds” surcharge.

Genuinely disappointed at the lack of “Lula beats off Bolsonaro in Brazilian election” headlines. What even are you for, world news media, if not for childish double entendres?

“What is the crime? Eating a sandwich? A succulent Vegemite sandwich?”

Today in The Daily Telegraph with is finger on the pulse of the nation: Something about a soggy bottom, I dunno.

“Semi-retired roads engineer Stephen Forman”, or, as he’s known at the council, “Oh, it’s you”.

Yet there you are, without tea.

You’ll remember the time that the CIA hired a clandestine fleet of trucks to drive past the presidential palace in Cuba all night. Drove Fidel Castro MAD!!! www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater...

Also, anyone got a decent rhyme for ‘orgy’…?

News headlines which are also football chants: 🎵 Yule log sausage roll Come on Arsenal score a goal 🎶

“I bet it’s Leeds Bradford Airport, or Bristol”, says I of the two airports most plagued by Parking Bastard™️. Reader, it was both.

Well, that’s just an accident waiting to happen, isn’t it?

This is not only important, it is art.

“We want seating in the town centre” [seating is provided] “No, not like that!”

You can’t park there mate.

And happy seventh anniversary to that headline (which I must have nicked off of @apiln.bsky.social, surely)

The Daily Te… [checks notes] Sorry… Metro with its finger on the pulse of the nation.

…KLAXON.

Not now, cursed Magnum

[Points in Canadian] [Désigne en Canadien]

God bless you, Dolly. #NiceThings

CW Suicide: If you’re struggling, Samaritans are always there, and even at your deepest rock bottom there is always hope. #NiceThings

Welcome back, fella #NiceThings

The first “A tree fell on my thing, as per the prophecy” of the weekend.

In today’s episode of People Are Terrible, people are terrible.

Paging @apiln.bsky.social Finger on the pulse of the nation klaxon

I, too, have written a poem about the weather: Last night the rain came down sideways Walked the dog, he flew like a kite You can tell that we’re heading for winter For the weather’s all turned to shite.

That is no way to treat a visitor

Christmas is SAVED.