Ariel Elias

The real lesson from You Can See Everything is if your husband moves to Austin, he simply will start doing coke and idolizing Charlie Kirk.

Am I pregnant or am I just fun?

I just told someone that I kept reading books that ended up being about climate change and needed something lighter, which is why I'm now reading The Virgin Suicides.

I understand what these Airbnb owners are going through. I had the exact same reaction right after my bat mitzvah when my mom told me I'm a woman now and have to start doing my own laundry.

Say what you want about the Delta boarding music, but nobody can hear it over the Delta boarding music

Seeing a mirage in the desert was the original thirst trap

The key to getting a good night's sleep is, for three or four nights before, sleep horribly.

It's wild seeing people who are bad at stand-up wanting to put their videos out here. I don't want to put them out and I'm good at this.

I want to make fun of Trump in that video where he's standing there waving and raising his fist at absolutely nobody, but I've seen my ticket sales for my show in Plano, TX and I'm so aware that that's about to be me.

The bar to be press secretary is so low, and Katie Zacharia couldn't even pass that

My husband is absolutely thriving as a middle aged man. This week alone he's said to me "woah those birds are having a party in that tree," and, "baby if we ever get rich, we gotta give money to PBS "

I underestimated how much of adulthood would just be figuring out where to put various bags.

Movie runtimes are getting out of hand. I just want to go to the movies, I shouldn't also need to wear compression socks.

Listen, I'm not afraid of flying, but every time I'm about to get on a plane, I do briefly think to myself, welp, hope these aren't the people I die with.

I'm so lucky I get to do stand-up as my reason to travel and see the country's climate crisis

Hotel bathroom lighting is like, hey girl you are glowing but also did you know you have a mustache

Spokane, WA reminds me of my hometown if we'd all done a few more hallucinogens

Every now and then I stay in a hotel so nice they don't even encourage you to conserve water.

Not saying I'm tired, but I did just get to the San Francisco airport in the Harvey Milk terminal and was like, wait why don't we have a terminal named for someone assassinated. And then remembered I flew here from JFK.

Why is it only when I'm running late and still haven't done my makeup that I'm like, hey this would be a good time to attempt to do my hair in a way I've literally never done it before in my life

A magic genie implies that there are non-magic genies. So like, no wishes, just tiny little men trapped in lamps.

I just want my $300 back from Sebastian Maniscalco

The Sebastian Maniscalco videos are proof that comedians can all take the same topic and do something very different and fun with it

Women love watching Law & Order SVU because it lets us safely live out our fantasy of a rape being properly handled by the police.

Instagram is like, hey we noticed you reposted something that you made, but we're not going to show it to anyone because we value original content. For example, have you thought about stealing someone else's stuff and running it through AI?

MAGA is about to lose his farm

Doing an escape rooms is the most fun way to learn you're a dumb fucking idiot

I got a comment on one of my stand-up clips that was like, I can tell you don't take care of yourself from your body, and it's like, dude, that's so stupid, you can tell I don't take care of myself from my stand-up.

Multiple men I did not know complimented my umbrella tonight, to the point where I'm like wait are my tits trash

There was a line dancing event in Bryant Park and I heard someone say "only in New York" and I was like, no actually almost exclusively not in New York.

In terms of body types, women's tennis is more inclusive than a Dove commercial in the early 2000s.

A 90-year-old Japanese man won a bodybuilding competition this week. When asked how he did it, he said, “Well we started with a hip replacement and built out from there.”

Got bored while looking at Instagram so I closed it and then opened up Instagram.

Seeing these videos of Mitch McConnell is the first time I’ve ever thought, hmm maybe we don’t want the same healthcare that Congress gets

One thing I learned from writing a joke every day for a year is that it's ok to not write a joke every day.

Jews don't believe in hell, but I wish we did because Christians make it sound so great. Warm year round and filled with the gays and Jews? It's like if Florida wasn't humid.

I stopped telling this joke, but Kash Patel says it's ok now. Thank you for accepting me.

Mitch McConnell looks like he just found out Mitch McConnell is alive.

You watch one video of a woman who pooped herself during a competition and suddenly the whole algorithm is ruined