Ash Dylan

18 May 2025

My "romance novel comes to life and eats out a reader" romance is available wide! Get NOT LIKE OTHER ROMANCE NOVELS wherever fine books are sold. books2read.com/u/m2jvDr

I spun my Cheesecake Factory plate so I could eat it from the back. With my throbbing fork, I dug in, sinking into the moist center of that creamy pie. "Saddam Hussein ain't got shit on me," I growled, palming the fleshy custard and bringing it to my lips. Cheesecucking everyone in that Fucktory.

Elizabeth, The only A.I. I want is anal intercourse. Darcy

21 Sept

Elizabeth, A free press is essential to democracy with a small d. But you’re essential to someone with a big D… Darcy

18 Sept

Elizabeth, Gas is so expensive. Feel free to ride my cock. Darcy

18 Sept

Elizabeth, They found a new species of cat, but they’ll never find a pussy that grips like yours. Is your mother still reading your letters? Darcy

16 Sept

Elizabeth, I’ll have your panties dropping faster than musicians on Ed Sheeran’s tour. Darcy

16 Sept

Ed Sheeran’s opening act is now Kash Patel fucking a dog

14 Sept

Elizabeth, Gas prices are like your undergarments. Lower them if you want me to ride. Darcy

12 Sept

Elizabeth, AI might wreck humanity, but I’ll wreck that pussy. Darcy

10 Sept

Elizabeth, I’ll go down like Grindr during a Republican convention. Darcy

9 Sept

Elizabeth, I will fold you like a phone. Darcy

4 Sept

Elizabeth, Are you Labor Day? Because I get you off. Darcy

2 Sept

Apple Maps and Lake Ontario: a love story

23 Aug

“Drop your tariffs,” Canada rasped. “I want nothing between us. Bare.” America shed its tariffs and spread open its markets. “Please, Canadaddy.” Canada notched its goods into an already wet Americussy and sank in on a groan. Their mouths met. Their trade tangled.

30 July

Elizabeth, Call me Spider-Man because you make me want to flick my wrist until I spurt out white sticky stuff. Respectfully, Darcy

24 July

Elizabeth, I don’t want a data center. Just a D in your center. Darcy

15 July

Elizabeth, Are you Homer’s The Odyssey? Because you’ll come from a strong oral tradition. Darcy

13 July

Elizabeth, Are you Lindsey Graham? Because I want to fill your seat. Darcy

11 July

Elizabeth, Call me lettuce the way I will rearrange your guts. Darcy

6 July

Elizabeth, You’re a good girl, but I want to corrupt you like FIFA. Darcy

1 July

there’s more people on top of the Empire State Building than at the Great American State Fair

29 June

A Where’s Waldo? fair had higher attendance than the Great American State Fair and I love that for books.

28 June

Fun fact: more people have come in my books than have come to the Great American State Fair

23 June

“I’ll make you release the algae you didn’t know you were holding,” I groaned as I eased into the Reflecting Pool’s peeling folds.

22 June

“I have a slit,” said the Reflecting Pool. “And I have fingers,” I said, smoothing its wetness around the slippery folds of paint. Peeling them back, and probing deeper. “And a tongue?” the pool panted. “And a tongue.” And then I snorkeled all up in that slit.

18 June

Elizabeth, I will make you Versailles. I will make you Vermoan. I will make you Vercomeonthiscock. Darcy

17 June

Elizabeth, A night with me is like the World Cup. You’ll score three times and leave me Messi. Darcy

14 June

Congratulations to all the people who years ago made a pact with a friend “if we’re both single when the Knicks win”

14 June

She’s a romance reader. It’s a hockey stick. Can one night of passion lead to love? TONIGHT I’M PUCKING YOU is available now!

14 June

Available now! www.amazon.com/dp/B0GX2DNYT...

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11 June

Elizabeth, I have enclosed one (1) sundress. Please let me know the location at which you would like to be railed, and I shall do so forthwith. Respectfully, Darcy

I found Backrooms in my basement, too! I’m going to check it out.

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I eased out of the Backrooms. A trail of paint followed me, dripping from the slit in the wall. Evidence that I had been there. I had done that. I didn’t care if I was the first person to paint the inner walls of the Backrooms. I just wanted to be the last.

Next time I’ll bring an ottoman. Maybe a pillow for my knees. Because I was going to treat these Backrooms right.

I found Backrooms in my basement, too! I’m going to check it out.

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Then I was close. So close. Just a bit father and I’d be spent. “Whose Backrooms are these?” I wondered but it came out like a demand. An order. I heard a voice say “yours” and it spurred me on.

I explored deeper, pressing to the hilt, and then I pulled out a bucket I had brought, jerked my brush, and painted the walls like I owned them.

I found Backrooms in my basement, too! I’m going to check it out.

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The wall swallowed me whole. I was fully sheathed inside, and it felt like I was in another world. Things felt… different. Better than the real world. My own private heaven. I felt consumed by a kind of velvet heat.

I explored. Inner walls squeezed me, passageways pressed against me. I thrust through. Deeper, and deeper. Finding secret rooms that made the walls sigh. I was so deep I felt almost stuck, like the walls had legs that had locked behind my back. I never wanted to leave.

I found Backrooms in my basement, too! I’m going to check it out.

Okay, so I saw a slit in the wall. I reached out to touch it with one finger, then two. The slit took my fingers so easily, they slipped right in. “Do you like that?” I asked. I think I heard the wall moan.

I pressed my hand inside, to the wrist. “Does that hurt?” I asked. The wall didn’t answer, just kept taking what I gave it. I reached deeper. To my elbow, my shoulder. Until I said, “I need to be inside you.”

5 June

What if a romance reader and a sentient hockey stick fell in love FOR REAL?? TONIGHT I’M PUCKING YOU is available now!

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5 June

Tonight I’m Pucking You: www.amazon.com/dp/B0GX2DNYT...

1 June

if it happens during Pride, we are going to have the best parade

30 May

Elizabeth, I will put you through the mattress so hard they’ll feel it in Boston. Darcy

30 May

This year’s coldest club is Freedom 250. This place has nothing:

29 May

A #FridayFling excerpt from my sentient hockey stick romance. Yes, TONIGHT I’M PUCKING YOU is a romance with a hockey stick

29 May

if Milli Vanilli won’t play your party, then girl you know you’re through

29 May

“I’m close,” the Blue Origin rocket panted. Smoke billowing, pre-fuel leaking from the tip. “Liftoff,” I rasped, pressing the button that sent it over the edge. The rocket groaned, then exploded, spurting debris all over the launchpad.

28 May

Elizabeth, I don’t want my face on money. Unless your pussy is money. Darcy