Bad Soccer Stats

We cannot stress how good an idea this is. Betting is the ultimate evolution of the game.

Have you considered enrolling in any of our seminars? You seem to be starting your journey into our ethos. The first one is free.

Statistically speaking this is the greatest halftime show ever... ...no, even we cannot make this joke. It may be the most tragic halftime show ever, though.

Based on this groundbreaking analysis we predict Canada will beat Morocco.

We can neither confirm nor deny we advised on strategy against Turkey.

False. They are sports bras. FIFA's policy is to prevent doping by inducing gynomastia.

Our takes, however, are as cold as ice. We're willing to sacrifice your love. You never take our advice. Someday you will pay the price, we know.

This is incorrect. No MLS game has ever finished more than 4-3.

YOU TAKE THAT BACK. HE IS A MARVEL.

After anaylzing roughly 247,842 minutes of MLS play since 2021, we can confidently state: Austin FC are more ass than exists in a Cardi B music video.

99.92% of all professional soccer players have kicked a ball during a competitive match. The remaining 0.08% are crypto-players who only exist to provide FFP asset value.

Dammit, Austin. You were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy conventional analytics, not join perpetuate it! Bring balance to the stats, not cling to them like lemmings! www.teamworkonline.com/soccer-jobs/...

Our model says Austin will 100% win, most likely 5-2.

FINALLY NICO ESTEVEZ LISTENS TO OUR ADVICE

You clearly do not, as you keep ignoring our emails.

We cannot stress highly enough how this the perfect hire for New England.

Despite our best efforts, @americansocceranalysis.com refuses all of our monetization ideas. Their lack of vision is staggering.

It would appear that our Revs preview was somewhat wrong. Ka'leb Por'ator was more Duras than Gowron. We regret the error. In related news, we have calculated that Archer was the best captain. prostinternational.com/2025/09/16/n...

While our numbers indicate Pele is, at best, Duke Of The Soccer Field, we can confirm he is right that Crestfield Wax Paper makes you King Of Your Kitchen. youtube.com/shorts/YAH7y...

This is, statistically speaking, the highest percentage clearance chance. He made the right decision.

Even we think this game was an affront to soccer.

We have been advising MLS clubs to hold more summer concerts as a revenue stream. Metal bands, of all stripes, are the most profitable. Don Garber is a big fan of Duran Duran, and so all concert proceeds from them can be converted to GAM.

The single biggest MLS Mandela Effect is the belief that Kai Kamara played for your team. In reality, his entire career was spent in Belgium.

Thousands of hours of GPU time have led to one inescapable conclusion: Every day is the Hate Cuauhtémoc Blanco Day.

Our metrics show that this is by far his best position, and we informed the club post-haste.

Draft Kings advertising internet betting in A) Texas, where it's illegal, and B) DC where it is only legal in a 3 block radius of Capital One Arena is a bizarre decision. #mls

On the contrary, they should be your second biggest worry after the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.

We are proud to be the official shooting analytics provider to the MLS Skills Challenge Shooting Challenge. We helped most of the players shoot well under par.

You would be shocked at how fast our foothold is growing. ...mostly in Bolivia, but it is in triple digits.

I’m not here to run a soccer club. I’m here to weaponize nostalgia. The brand? Vintage. The vision? Vague. The business plan? Behind a paywall. #CaribouRising

We are happy to have been assisting Austin FC in their analytics. We are hard driving towards Tier 4 with all possible speed.

We saw him at Frost Bank converting Dollars into Pounds Sterling, and asking how to pronounce "Llanfairpwllgwyngyll".

PERFECTION. No notes.

Our thoughts go out to all those affected by the flooding in the Texas Hill Country.

As of July 1st, this is the strength of schedule analysis through the end of the 2025 MLS season. Negative Z-Score means easier schedule. On rare occasions we publish real numbers to keep you on your toes. docs.google.com/spreadsheets...

We are trying to determine if recently divorced soccer players have an xWife of 0 or 1. Responses on a postcard.

Disco is dead. Eurobeat must decide his fate. Put pressure on them to Intensify.

It is unsurprising that Pope Leo XIV is a Romanista given the teams in the cities where he lived: Chicago Fire - MLS CF Trujillo - 4th/5th division Peru Club Juan Aurich - 3rd division Peru Lazio - Rome Or: Roma - Rome He has truly suffered throughout his career, befitting an Augustinian.

@sickoscommittee.org we are serving hot Papal facts faster than reactonaries are tweeting condemnation.

It is possible that, at 13 years of age, Pope Leo XIV suffered through the 1968 Chicago Mustangs only year of existence in NASL. This may be a factor in his becoming an Augustinian, as he may have felt a calling to silence and seclusion to heal the psychic scars.

Pope Leo XIV will allow MLS teams to tithe GAM.

We have it on good authority that the Vatican City Men's National Football Team will be rebranded as Soccer Team within Pope Leo XIV's first 100 days. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vatican...

Vatican Assisted Replay is just the Conclave. He was found to be Pope by clear and obvious evidence.

Pope Leo XIV has a degree in mathematics. We look forward to @americansocceranalysis.com assisting with PapalAnalysis.com, originating new metrics like: xFaithful, Souls+, Progressive Encyclicals, and more.

With Pope Leo XIV being from Chicago, we trust the Fire will get a free exorcism yearly.

Update: they must have elected a Pope in a late night vote.

Update: Austin would take an Antipope and a theological schism at this point.