cyrus

i like how parents abusing you and eachother as a kid just permanently mentally emotionally and physically fucks you up for life because why the fuck does trauma have to affect your physical health. that's so fucking bullshit

i hate how so much in my daily life makes me wanna rip my skin off like i get agitated when people raise their voices and shout i get agitated by very high pitched squeaky voices i get agitated by too much noise in general i get agitated when other people are around

having a huge house never makes sense to me like . nobody wants to clean all that 😂😂😂😂😂

hate how like 90% of my life has just been being perpetually traumatized because why do i want to hospitalize myself because i probably am gonna start working soon but i dont understand any of this tax stuff and dont have anyone right by my side constantly to tell me what to do

my brain has been optimized to withstand an endless cycle of abuse and violence and trauma, not normal people problems. shit makes me feel like a prey animal

ngl you can never make me care about some stupid online trans discourse as someone whos been abused & homeless with further abuse & complete lack of autonomy while homeless & institutionalized

i was sexually coerced by a previous partner who was really fucking weird to me about my identity. it makes me feel fucking ill to think about

ngl you can never make me care about some stupid online trans discourse as someone whos been abused & homeless with further abuse & complete lack of autonomy while homeless & institutionalized

my aunt abused me and did her best to isolate me after i was outed my uncle sexually harassed me after i was outed i was sent to a correctional facility type of place after i was outed staff mistreated me and i was barred from any care or even a binder because it was a "liability"

& it felt like it probably Never would happen or it would be so far off. and in a position that atleast, maybe i could be dissociated from my body enough where im not even thinking about it. Afterwards i tried to convince myself it was a good thing and made me more "normal", i still do to an extent

i ended up just. getting worse with hypersexuality and basing my self worth on sex. sexualizing myself, even when i was completely alone Trying to make myself "lovable" and "valuable", thinking that the pain was just what i deserved & required

& it felt like it probably Never would happen or it would be so far off. and in a position that atleast, maybe i could be dissociated from my body enough where im not even thinking about it. Afterwards i tried to convince myself it was a good thing and made me more "normal", i still do to an extent

and i feel like its too late for it to even matter whether my problems somehow magically disappeared or i was able to "heal" from them, because it's already led to so much pain and isolation already. i can't erase the resounding echoing effect it has had on me and my life and my relationships.

i wanted to wait until one day i felt safe and comfortable enough to do it, but they had other plans for me . But it's so stupid because why did i even have those issues to begin with? nobody has these hyperspecific reservations for such little fucking reason

and i feel like its too late for it to even matter whether my problems somehow magically disappeared or i was able to "heal" from them, because it's already led to so much pain and isolation already. i can't erase the resounding echoing effect it has had on me and my life and my relationships.

it's genuinely the most demoralizing thing because how am i ever going to live a normal life. there's sex in relationships and everyone's Always Talking About It. and everyone Loves it. why cant i? am i just lazy and selfish and worthless? do i just wanna be different? i dont understand anything.

it feels so pointless because regardless of what happened or didnt happen and regardless of what i do or dont accept, i still have all of these physical and emotional issues surrounding it. Idk. it makes me feel like such a burden and like a bad person or something

it's genuinely the most demoralizing thing because how am i ever going to live a normal life. there's sex in relationships and everyone's Always Talking About It. and everyone Loves it. why cant i? am i just lazy and selfish and worthless? do i just wanna be different? i dont understand anything.

i'm so terrified of the extremely likely possibility that eventually i will be in a sexual situation and just be flooded with so much visceral panic and pain that i just cant. I'm so terrified of being a burden that has a panic attack and cries before anything can even Happen

it's genuinely the most demoralizing thing because how am i ever going to live a normal life. there's sex in relationships and everyone's Always Talking About It. and everyone Loves it. why cant i? am i just lazy and selfish and worthless? do i just wanna be different? i dont understand anything.

i feel nauseous every single day based on what i do remember and the symptoms i experience otherwise And the rumination relating to WHY it's so /bad/ for me in particular even though what i can remember seems so . meaningless in comparison to anything anyone else goes through

part of it is having had stupid baggage around it for years too & then having THAT IN ITSELF disrespected & my consent further violated. like... i feel like its my fault still. like if i just didnt have stupid baggage maybe i would have been fine with it, maybe i couldve just been like other people