Ben Rosen

candidate in the primary: we are going to UPEND the SYSTEM and CHANGE the world for the BETTER! candidate in the general: lots of events are currently happening in life but i actually don’t know anything anymore

*guy who knows hes supposed to be mad at obama but isnt sure why* he shouldnt talk about saddam hussein like that

🎶I was working in the lab, late one night 🎶On a machine that CAN run any test on a single drop of blood 🎶 The chemistry for some of the tests still has to be developed but

*excusing myself from dinner* sorry I have to visit the

having a baby is incredible. a true once in a lifetime miracle that you’d never think you’d ever experience and then nine months later your wife gives birth

[burger king commercial] you told us our nuggets weren’t good and we heard you. we’re really depressed now, we worked so hard on those. we don’t even know how to do it a different way

the best part is that hbo is now a skydance subsidiary so the girls reboot can canonically include optimus prime

me: why do we say happy halloween? it's a spooky day. we should be saying haunted halloween my presidential debate opponent: i.... he's right... dont vote for me

SELF CHECKOUT SCREEN: Please enter your PIN, the top secret four digit ultrasecure code that only you know in order to protect the entirety of your finances, or press the green button to skip

maybe i'm living in a coastal elite bubble but i simply don't buy that people with the last name biberty would name their child liberty

me in 1895: i’ll have a cocaine cola waiter: is brad’s drink ok?

can’t believe i had to learn all about the parts of a cell when they could have been teaching us what the little laundry symbols on tags mean

me trying to remember my parents birthdays: me trying to remember the tagline for the 2011 nbc sitcom whitney: HALF OF ALL MARRIAGES END IN SWEATPANTS

20th century tech: we have invented a solution to a common problem 21st century tech: we have invented a problem

"Eli Manning? Twice?"

*pitching the mighty ducks* we want to grab the kids attention right away, so we’ll open with an attorney who loves drunk driving

me when frasier goes to a ski lodge with his brother, dad, daphne, and daphne's girlfriend, and there's a gay skiing instructor who thinks niles likes him, but actually the girlfriend likes niles, but frasier likes the girlfriend, and niles likes daphne, but daphne likes the skiing instructor, and m

going back in time to 2017 so i can tweet this with "when she reince on my priebus til i covfefe" and get 135k likes

me, building The Death Machine: i’m worried this machine is going to kill us all you: oh my god you need to- me: well, i better get back to building The Death Machine

reading go dog go to my kid to teach him about negging

dont lie to me, linkedin. we both know i am not on a roll on linkedin

doctors office texting me like newman

scrutiny heads, we are eating good today

one night a year when i can have sex? is this a movie or MY MARRIAGE?? *nobody in the theater laughs and i realize i am in a screening of minions and monsters*

podcasts really are the perfect medium if you like hearing people ask if they’re allowed to curse

wife: they're building a data center next door me: data center? *i smile serenely, imagining my favorite star trek android defending the rim as my tap water begins to run a sludgy brown*

My name is Peter Parker. You don't remember me but we used to know each other. Something bad was gonna happen and the only way to stop it was to make everyone forget about me. It wasnt that I shit my pants while I was swinging around. If someone tells you that they’re lying, it was a different thing

hey is anyone hiring

i know votes are still being counted but the more i look at this michigan senate map the more it becomes clear that it kind of looks like a mitten

why would a loving god allow jimmy to eat world

me: the simpsons have four fingers on each hand so you’d think they’d live in a base 8 society but as far as I can tell there’s no evidence of that in the show my wife: *screaming during labor* the obgyn: hold on i want to hear more about this

Wow sources close to LeBron say he signed with Philadelphia to “record a split EP with Kurt Vile” and that the 4x NBA champion has “always been drawn to [his] circular lo-fi riffs” and “laid back vocals”

news: thousands sick after eating contaminated iceberg lettuce captain of the titanic: OH I GUESS ITS NOT SO EASY TO SPOT A DANGEROUS ICEBERG NOW IS IT

cruise (maintaining intense eye contact and leaning forward to perform active listening): cookies? that’s fantastic, wow

before cameras they used to sculpt your face for your imdb profile picture

odyssey this, odyssey that. some of you fellas odda see a dang therapist

ME: basically i’m on the computer all day and i’m not allowed to eat lettuce even if i wanted to 10 YEAR OLD ME: that sounds incredible ME: well not really

my kid asked if he’s punching the whale out of the water

GOD: and there shall be a profession known as LIFEGUARD ANGEL: to whom will we give this great responsibility of guarding lives? GOD: teenagers ANGEL: ah...so they have their entire lives to devote to it GOD: no just like part time for a summer

my wife always wants me to eat more vegetables. especially since they started carrying the diarrhea parasite

the most effective horror films prey on our collective fear of something really scary happening

me trying to remember the name of my wife’s close relative: uhh me trying to remember the name of a first baseman who played for both the arizona diamondbacks and the oakland athletics: erubiel durazo

I’ve thought about this tweet so often I had to go look it up

the odyssey? buddy you odda see what I did with your mom last night

mcconnell returning after weeks with a gigantic BBL

there are still some tickets left for my show in person and if you’re not around, there are live stream tickets avail!! You can watch the live stream for up to 7 days after the show at your leisure. Wow. Great deal. ucbcomedy.com/show/one-nig...

sorcerer remake about transferring my sleeping baby from the car to his crib

watching frasier on earth 2

"the point guard" looks nice and the whole team seem to have eaten their spaghetti and meat balls!

they're setting up a stage midcourt so josh and benny safdie can reunite