Berlock Bones

Hazelnuts are really good

The soap to water ratio is too high! There’s no coming back from this

Of all the animals on earth, birds have the most choices when it comes to pooping. Why then do they go RIGHT on top of the bird feeder?

What are fireflies doing? Every other bug is trying its hardest to look like a leaf or a rock but fireflies are just trying to get caught. See for yourself you can just walk up to one and cup it in your hands

4 types of bread, 6 meats, 5 veggies, 3 sauces = 24576 possible sandwiches. And every one is written up in different colored chalks. “I’ll have the #11490” “Oh good choice that’s my favorite!”

go to sleep happy wake up zappy that’s what I always say

i’m not just a fig newton of your imagination

A Portrait of the Artist as a Banana

I’m pretty sure that if I alternate between salty snacks and sweet snacks I can keep eating forever.

I live my life by one rule: Never trust a man with a goatee.

Todays Fashion Tip: carrying extra items (pen, chapstick, change) in the winter is easy, just put them in your coat pockets. But what about the summer? Just take a page from tobacco chewers and store them in your cheeks and lower lip! Stylish and functional!

New slang idea. All slang words should be replaced by the word “cheese”. That is the cheese! Cheese it everyone! He’s going to try his cheese on her, because he’s cheesing on her. Etc. I expect this to be implemented in the next few weeks.

All sports should be 15 minutes long, I don't want to see tired people doing stuff

I wonder if you walked around the park with a referee outfit if you could pick up freelance referee jobs

Sci-fi horror tagline: e equals mc scared

I know the rack is a medieval torture device, but there has to be a point where it feels really good before it starts feeling bad

Ever since I was a kid I had this fantasy about being able to bend my body into a circle so I could roll around like a wheel

Did you know that this country has more people in prison than it has neurosurgeons? Really makes you think…

When you ASSUME you make an ASS out of U and ME. When you LEGUME, U get between ME and my LEG

In the original draft of captain planet, Mati could give people heart attacks. It was changed after focus groups objected

You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends nose, you can pick your OTHER friends nose, but you can’t do it at the same time without some help

The Cookie Monster lives under my bed. We get along pretty well.

Did you know you can just BUY croutons? This is dangerous

You know if you think about it, we're all just old babies.