Blue Hoodie Bits

Tsa patted me down today. we didn't even get dinner first.

Abandoned my cart. they've emailed me 6 times. at this point we're in a relationship.

"let me check my calendar!" my calendar is empty. I just need time to decide if I like you enough.

The gym bag lives in my trunk. the gym is 4 minutes away. the math is not the problem. I am the problem.

"traffic was crazy" is just "I'm bad at time" with extra steps.

9:47am. hotel breakfast ends at 10. I am now an athlete.

"you take the last chip" "no YOU take it" — anyway I took it.

The microwave says 2:00. I will now stand here and watch all 120 seconds like it's cinema.

just one more scroll before bed — narrator: it was 47 more scrolls.

Gym was packed today. see you all never (february).

"we need to talk." okay well now I'll just be dying until further notice.

Lost another sock to the dryer. at this point I'm funding a sock orphanage in there.

The delivery driver is "3 stops away" and I have never wanted anything more in my entire life.

Me: I'll cancel before the trial ends. also me, 3 months later: still paying $14.99.

Set 6 alarms last night. woke up at noon. the system works perfectly, I simply refuse to participate.

Netflix: "are you still watching?" me, 6 hours deep: "do NOT perceive me."

it's sunday. i'm on my couch. somehow i'm already exhausted from tomorrow.

a crowd formed to watch me parallel park today. i've never been more famous or more ashamed.

someone asked what i did this weekend. i said "just chilled." my youtube history respectfully disagrees.

made eye contact with a stranger in the elevator. we both looked away immediately. we're basically married now.

opened the fridge 4 times tonight. fourth time's the charm. it was not the charm.