The Borowitz Report

In 2001, I started making up news stories and emailing them to friends. I had no idea that someday this would be how I’d make a living. I just thought it would be a fun hobby, and way better than gardening, at which I totally sucked.

Cutting down my time on social media. See all future posts at borowitzreport.com

Renee Good’s family should file a $1 trillion defamation lawsuit against Trump, Vance, and Noem.

“We lost the colonies because our King went insane,” Charles said. “But now the shoe’s on the other bloody foot, isn’t it?”

The ICE agent who murdered Renee Good was never in front of her car when he fired the three shots. I hope this helps Kash Patel and the FBI in their thorough investigation.

JD Vance says “the far left” caused the woman to be killed in Minnesota. I think he means “the ICE agent to the left of her car.”

“If anyone was going to out-dumb me, it was gonna be this guy.”

King Charles Seeks to Restore British Rule Over U.S.

Every subscription helps me make Stephen Miller cry.

When Season 1 began with a ketamine freak breaking into government computers I had no idea that Season 2 would be about kidnapping a dictator in Venezuela

It says something about how fucked up the world is right now that when Meet the Press announces its guests I find myself looking forward to hearing what Marjorie Taylor Greene has to say

Scientists Baffled by Marco Rubio’s Ability to Sleep at Night

Maduro Requests Lindsay Halligan to Prosecute Him

Taking whatever you want just because you can is behavior consistent with being a pedophile

Hegseth Says U.S. Will Secure Venezuela’s Tequila Distilleries

Trump said that Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado is not qualified to run the country because “her peace prize wasn’t awarded by FIFA.”

George W Bush Celebrates No Longer Having Launched Dumbest War in U.S. History

Trump Slurs Speech to Make Hegseth Appear Sober

Watched a full hour of CNN and they mentioned Marduro’s US indictment several times without once mentioning the drug trafficking CONVICTION of the former Honduran president, whom Trump pardoned. The joke’s on me for watching CNN—it won’t happen again

Bombing of Venezuela Earns Trump World Wrestling Entertainment Peace Prize

The Epstein files must be worse than any of us imagined

This is what happens when you read headlines too quickly: I thought Trump and his wife had been captured and flown out of the country

Already gotten bombed in 2026: 1. Venezuela 2. Pete Hegseth

Two questions: 1. Do we still have a War Powers Act, which prevents a president from carrying out military aggression without Congress’s consent? 2. Do we still have a Congress?

“Don’t trust billionaires. They don’t get rich by finding that money on the side of the road, brother.”  —Stephen Colbert

The midterms are our chance to do to Trump’s presidency what he did to the East Wing.

There’s a perfectly plausible explanation for Trump falling asleep in meetings, slurring his words, and having swollen ankles and bruises on his hands — he’s dying

It’s ironic that Trump takes an enormous daily dose of aspirin while giving the rest of the world a ginormous fucking headache

Mamdani really hit the ground running

Trump Kennedy Center to Host an Evening of Sad Trombones

Trump announced the discount while wearing a sandwich board outside the venue.

Hegseth Apologizes After Striking Drug Boat Carrying Don Jr.’s Supply

Fox News Reports Mamdani Undecided Whether to Institute Communism or Sharia Law First

Kash Patel Rushed to Hospital After Suffering Trauma of Flying Coach

Ukraine Denies Attack on Putin Residence: “We’re Helping Him Build a Ballroom”

When we have a pandemic that rages out of control because of RFK Jr’s anti-vax actions I would support naming the virus “Trump”

Game changer

Trump Renames JD Vance DJ Trump

If Trump wants to put his name on everything here’s an idea

Not sure that naming battleships after Trump makes sense, but here’s a ship worthy of his name

Next up at the Kennedy Center: a concert of sad trombones

Hegseth Orders Strike on North Pole Narcoterrorist

“Someone tried to slip some news into this past Sunday’s episode of ‘60 Minutes,’” a visibly angry Weiss told the CBS newsroom. “Fortunately, I was able to catch it in time.”

It’s such a sublime example of the epic stupidity of CBS’s nepo baby owner that he banned a 60 Minutes segment and somehow forgot that Canada could still air it

Masterpieces by a two-time Pulitzer winner.

When Bari Weiss and CBS decided to censor the report on El Salvador’s brutal prison, they didn’t realize that bootlegged copies would surface. Please share it with everyone you know and drive these fascists crazy.

Elise Stefanik’s exit from politics is enough to make even the most ardent atheist reconsider things.