bugsontherun.bsky.social

I’m still trying to solve the riddle “what rhymes with hug me?”

Sneaking utensils into Medieval Times like it’s weed into a concert

Ahh, so you’ve engaged a toddler in a physical game that will certainly end in violence. Your face, neck, and privates are your greatest vulnerability, but you can only effectively shield 2/3 at any give time. Choose wisely.

Jar-Jar Binks in JAWS: “Weesa gonna needa bigga boat!”

You can respond to a babbling infant/young toddler with lines of Alien dialogue from KOTOR. There’s no law against it.

Sometimes my parents will fill me in on an interaction with their doctor, and I think “yeah that sounds like the kind of thing I’d tell an annoying patient or nod along with so that they shut up and leave.”

Who funds the Paw Patrol?

“Is Ms. Rachel hot?” -thread in r/parenting locked after 3000 comments

You couldn’t make The 3 Stooges today (hitting someone in the head with a frying pan is no longer peak comedy).

What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit? “Bananana” No, actually that was number 5.

It’s important to maintain a strategic Cheez-It reserve in your workplace.

Willendorf circa 30,000 BP Normal guy 1: “Oh no, here comes that freak with his hideous Venus figurine.” Normal guy 2: “That silly statue has no cultural value and doesn’t reflect our sexual ideals AT ALL.”

Losing your phone is great until you realize it.

Sorry, Jewish people. But leavened bread is where it’s at. No disrespect this Passover season, I just gotta tell it like it is.

I went to Monster Jam ONE TIME and Motörhead’s classic song “Ace of Spades” has been looping in my head for weeks.

I wonder what the kid who fell into Harambe’s enclosure is up to now.

My toddler took a poo so big we had to show everyone in the house.

How do you eat salad? Like, mechanically? How do you do it? What’s your utensil game? I have years of experience but feel like I must be missing something fundamental.

I introduced glop to my wife, and now she won’t eat anything else.

I can’t believe it’s already January 2nd.

I’ve made this resolution before, but I’m REALLY gonna find and kill the Geico Gecko this year!

“Ow. Stop. That hurts” My toddler: “But… I’m trying to break your arm?!”

White people gotta retire “smorgasbord” from the lexicon. We had our fun. It’s time to move on.

Infomercial lead: “Does your dog eat enough grilled cheese?”

Alien disembarks flying saucer in the middle of a cornfield. “Take me to your… nearest bathroom… please!”

Possible baddie alert at 12:00 downgraded to a solid 6

You don’t know you’ve eaten your full of sushi until WAY too late

My wife got mad at me because I called Ms. Frizzle hot in the Magic School Bus reboot. Though my exact words were, “They shouldn’t have made Ms. Frizzle hot. She’s not supposed to be hot.”

A person’s sneak ability is inversely proportional to their parents’ income.

I love the smart remote for my new smart TV. It does all the classic remote control functions you expect and also asks you for software updates.

The iPod of yore would never dare interrupt your beautiful music with a text, phone call, or ad.

What takes old people so long to check out at the grocery store? Looks like they’re trying to negotiate with the cashier every time. I’ve never understood this.

Jar Jar Binks in Jaws: “Weesa gonna needa bigga boat!”

Former hipster father of kids <3 years who hasn’t kept up with any contemporary arts or culture since they became a parent: “You know, a lot the music we label ‘for kids’ is actually quite good and stands on its own right.”

War hawk tuah

The super bowl is the most sacred American holiday. A celebration of the television, celebrity, sedentary life, and the culture of capitalism. No way am I above it.

I don’t know much about horse racing, but I do know the jockeys should be allowed to hit each other with their little sticks.

We need at least 200 more Luigis to get the country back on track.