Cally Beaton

Some good news: 2026 TOUR extended! New shows added/extra tickets released. Thrilled at how many people are coming; my favourite & most proud of show to date! All shows include meet & greet/book signings. From Inverness to Exeter & one hell of a lot of places between. Join me? Go to: callybeaton.com

Came across this in Amsterdam & it sums up how I feel about current world events & leaders. Then I remember, it’s not us who should be hiding, heads in hands. This is the time for standing tall & strong. Gen X women have spent our lives in training to sort shit out & not give up. We ride at dawn.

Beer and fat willies in Amsterdam (and I don’t even drink).

It’s Peter Rabbit jumper season, and we couldn’t be happier.

To be fair to Tommy Robinson, court cases are stressful.

Jeff thinks I look like Velma from Scooby-Doo. I’d have got away with it too if it wasn’t for that meddling dog.

Just 5 more shows to go! This has been my biggest and best by far, and I’ll be a bit gutted to wave it goodbye. (I’m also 57 and fancy a breather and some dog walks.) Join me while you can? (Tour, not dog walk.) Last tickets for last shows right here: callybeaton.com/live/

The thing about unattractive feminists…

Limp willies and other Dutch language trivia. You’re welcome. Graag gedaan.

The story isn’t that she lasted 5 days, it’s how she got the job in the first place.

A car salesman younger than my son just asked me if I knew how to drive a manual car. Does it make me an old goat that I said: ‘I could drive a manual a decade before you born, son’.

Might laminate this and hold aloft as the occasion requires.

Don’t mean to brag about my perfect house and impeccable taste, but look at these gorgeous new accessories I’ve found to go either side of my bay window.

When The Golden Girls started, Blanche was 53, Dorothy 54, and Rose 55. I am older than all the Golden Girls (separately, not together).

Dutch lesson: making new sh*t from old bread and other stories. Duolingo, eat your heart out.

Jeff has got really into Celebrity Traitors, I’m not gonna lie.

If Jeff was human… what am I talking about? Jeff IS human.

The world may be in a funk, but there’s always Jeff, fast asleep with one ear akilter.

This is not the normal Jeff-running video. Since losing my voice last week, I had to retrain his recall to be non-verbal - coming to open arms instead of the usual shout-out. 5 voice-free days and he’d nailed it. So he is now a full Disney character and must live forever.

Some advice for difficult women.

Will just leave this hanging.

More Dutch sayings, with love from… my bed.

I’m very sorry, Stamford and Hornchurch, but I’m proper poorly so have had to cancel this weekend’s shows. You’ll be getting a full refund and/or ticket exchange so you won’t be out of pocket. The plan is to be back in time for Epsom on Tues 6th - like an X-(wo)Man - stronger and funnier than ever!

To celebrate Dad turning 83 today, here he is with puppy Jeff. (Dad’s not changed a bit in those 4 years; Jeff is ageing less gracefully.) Happy Birthday, my dad.

It’s been quite a week, culminating in the ill I thought was fighting off still making me ill. But I did get to spend time at sea with beloved dad & beloved dog (who are also much beloved of each other). Will keep looking at this & pretending my throat doesn’t feel like someone’s got a sander to it.

A happy and a sad night - leaving 20 years of Cornish living behind for a bit. Kids crabbing, dogs swimming, books being written and now a new chapter begins. Thank you for being in our heart and soul, you beautiful county.

Hold them close, fellow mammas; it’s all gone in the blink of an eye. I hope I’m lucky enough to know my girl when she’s my age. I’ll remind her of the time we’d been shopping for 5 hours in a heatwave and I said I needed to sit down a minute with a hot flush. And she told me it was all in my head.

If you’re stuck in an office this Monday afternoon, I’m sorry. We’re v busy too.

First time I’ve seen my two books together in the wild! Ok, one out in the wild, one not just yet but it’s happening. A Woman’s Guide to Mansplaining - for any woman who’s ever been mansplained (so, any woman). And/or the most passive aggressive gift ever. Pre-order here: linktr.ee/AWomansGuide...

The Dutch officially taking the shame out of women’s anatomy (and other fun linguistic facts you didn’t know you needed).

For anyone whose face/personality takes a little longer to wake up each day, as the years roll by…

Last tickets for Aylesbury this coming Saturday 26th September - 10 miles away from where I was born! So if you don’t like me, blame Aylesbury (or more specifically, Swanbourne). callybeaton.com/live/ @aylesburywaterside.bsky.social

In a world that’s going to sh*t, it’s the little things in life that can make us happy. My favourite mansplain hack…

I worked for MTV in the 90s, agencies in the 00s, Film & TV in the 2010s. In the 2020s, I am measuring out collagen powder on a smooth, non-porous surface on a Tuesday night. Menopause’s Walter White.

Dachshunds don’t do stairs. That’s what Dutch bicycle ramps are for.

More Dutch sayings, from Amsterdam with love. (En een cameo van Jeff 🐾 )

Goedemorgen uit Amsterdam.

What midlife women are thinking when they let themselves go. We haven’t stopped caring; we’ve stopped caring what you think. Love from Gen X women everywhere.

My London > Amsterdam road trips would be a lot less fun without my chauffeur.

Save The Date!! 💚✌️ london.thecomedystore.co.uk/event/big-lo...

F*ck, am I glad I’m menopausal and single.

Jeff - wind in his sails, joy in his soul, ready to take off with his little Dumbo ears.