Kayla G.M.

Ohhh, counsel, you mispronounced Appellee? How embarrassing . . . what a fox paw.

"AI is going to steal your job." Babe, I'm an appellate attorney. AI is creating more work for me.

Something about using AI in law feels very 1950's in the 'I smoke cigarettes to clear my lungs' way.

Judge: "You're charged with possession. How do you plead?" My client: *gutteral demonic noises*

The courts having to hire more pro se staff because of all the pro se AI slop is also corporate welfare.

As someone trying to buy a home, Trump also skyrocketed mortgage rates. Literally made housing MORE unaffordable. Almost as impressive as bankrupting a casino three times.

Give me two days, and I can get you fifty pages. If you give me two weeks, I will make that twenty-five. If you give me a month, I'll implode and make negative words so the court will be sucked in by the sheer gravitas of my audacity.

trying to sell a house in this market is like bass fishing in a pond full of turtles.

I'm so old that I remember when lawyers used to read the cases they cited.

AI replace me as a lawyer? AI can't do THIS: *clicks random rabbit holes because my spidey senses said to*

*streaming bridgerton, writing an appellate brief on easements* "I'm practicing Proper Tea Law."

filing bar complaints on lawyers AI'ing their 2004 professional headshots.

potential client: "i went pro se and used chatgpt" me, the appellate lawyer: *spontaneously combusts*

"don't mess with me, I'm always packing my .9 mm." *Clicks gel pen furiously*

Oh no, babe, the Epstein files are huge fucking deal. You're just being successfully handled like an oblivious juror in baby attorney's first criminal defense case.

Epstein files reporting really making it clear that 'men's testimony is evidence' but 'women and girls' testimony is an unsupported allegation.'

"Why shouldn't billionaires exist?" One correct answer is always the Epstein files.

I would simply fade into the West if a judge ever wrote, "The Court’s patience is at an end," to me.

It's actually crazy how much the Roberts Court is responsible for all of this.

Qualified immunity and democracy really cannot coexist.

Roberts Court, 2026 explaining how the ICE officer who killed Renee Good has qualified immunity: "There was no on-point, clear federal law prohibiting the public executions of mothers with gloveboxes full of stuffies . . . ."

Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house Not a creature was stirring Except my stupid glitching keyboard mouse.

And it was Christmas Eve with the tree lights flickering. The house had a new for sale sign out front. The baby slept. And I continued cranking briefs like a character setting herself up for a ghostly visit.

Me, a lawyer talking to another lawyer: "I'm looking for a will--" "--we do those--" "--to live." " . . . No."

me: "i'm the dumbest, worst lawyer ever." me, reading respondent's brief: "actually . . . second-dumbest, worst ever."

Me, a lawyer to potential clients: "You really want a professional handling this. You never know what weird things will pop up." Me, looking at anything plumbing and electrical: ". . . How hard could it be?"

*stepping four feet back from the curb as a cement truck turns, whispering* "I'm not neurotic, there was just a very graphic tort hypo in law school that haunts me still."

My ghost will haunt the courthouse halls crooning, "Preserve the error. Object. Exhaust. Preserve the error, you fools."

The best and scariest part about a virtual work is that you can't just go down the hall to ask people questions.

DOJ lawyers texting Grok like: "Is a judge saying 'you are an officer of the court' repeatedly a good thing?"

Me, with the rage of 10,000 screaming toddlers, typing: "Friendly reminder."

Who needs Disney Plus when you have a million free CLE's on YouTube. The avengers had a better chance of beating Thanos than winning a post conviction appeal.

Civ Pro should teach how important the Notice of Appeal is. Please.

Me, a millennial, bonding with a Gen X'er like, "The micro-plastics in me recognizes the lead in you."

"Should that say 'Federal Law protects the right to free speech?'" Me, an angry appellate lawyer, fourth cup of coffee in two hours, bloodshot eyes, with all 78 open Westlaw tabs begging me for mercy: "No. Feral Law is right."

Locked in so hard I started enjoying bluebooking (actually I've gone insane)

On this day, in 1967, Thurgood Marshall was appointed to the US Supreme Court. This day is a great day for big historical events.

Congratulations to Justice Powell! #LadyLawyerDiaries

My favorite thing about legal research is that with one hour of research, you can have a clear answer. But with twenty? Oh, now you have a circuit split from a little piece of the question that isn't the whole question, but the whole question turns on this unaddressed piece of the question.

Back in my day, writers didn't plagiarize AI. They stole their wives' works and sold them as their own.

AI is forcing me into needing in-person meetings. We've gone full circle. So advanced, we can only trust face-to-face communication. I hate it.

Due dates? Sounds like a conspiracy by Big Calendar.

An appellate lawyer about to roast the opposing counsel: "My friend on the other side, however . . ."

Dear trial attorneys, please narrate what the jury is seeing. Like say "the State is using her hand as a gun to point at the jury." Like that's way better than your client telling me that and then it being *nowhere* in the record. I mean, I can get an affidavit . . . But c'mon.

I want AI to format my TOC and Appendices in compliance with all of circuit courts' weird local rules. NOT do the fun legal research and analysis parts for me.