Captain Awesomepants

Something I'll admit with Massive Shame is that watching El-Sayed makes me think the same things as when AOC is speaking. "So passionate, correct-minded and smart, they're truly one of The Good Ones... gads, why are they SO FUCKING HOT."

Daughter: If I were straight, I'd still have an appreciation for women. I mean... WOMEN. Wifage: Yeah, before I figured out I'm a GIRL'S girl, I was always a Girl's Girl.

If someone raped my daughter, I would fucking kill them, and I'd make it look like an accident or at least have a rock-solid alibi. Purely hypothetically speaking, that is.

Okay, Confession Time: When I play Skyrim, I actually super get off HARD at stealth-archery. Sniping somebody from the shadows like, 100 metres away, is fucking awesome, I care not what anyone says.

I just did my kid's Maths homework (she has dyscalculia) for TAFE. I have a Bachelor's Degree. Did my preliminary mathematics courses at one of the premier Engineering Universities IN THE WORLD, and that shit was too fucking hard. Something ain't right about the way they structure these assessments.

Forever I thought "Corporal Punishment" had some derivation in military practices. No shit.

Antizionism <> Antisemitism You are a FUCKING IDIOT if you believe it is. Votes aren't being stolen. IDIOTS. Trans people are zero danger to you. IDIOTS. Grow enough of a spine and a brain to stop letting this shit perpetuate.

I remember when "shorts" meant half your thigh was showing and "Bermuda" shorts were NEW. Seriously. WTF.

What I learned from My Father whilst growing up was that he was best to be avoided lest one find themselves in the middle of a judgemental, unfair lecture. What I learned from My Father who is now 84 was that I've been right all along.

Know what's cool and fkn BIG and interesting and amazing? Oceans. Like, they're all connected. You could just swim and bump into every single landmass, island, and otherwise in the WORLD and that kinda low-key freaks me out.

When you message someone asking two questions and they only answer the first one.

Know what's highly-unique to each person? Genital colours. They're many and varied. We need to talk about this more.

Hey Women! Given how much men make you SUFFER, I bet you're wishing you saved that word "Suffrage" for something more than just voting, haha... whut? What you mean 'it means voting'?! Fuck. Kinda nuke's my joke now, doesn't it.

The older he gets, the more he LOVES love, and the more I love this fat, crippled, asshole. I've never felt closer to my wife in all our decades together.

givebutter.com/trans-day-of...

Wifeage and I have these pendants, a sun and moon, and her li'l sun fits inside my li'l moon. They've got neat designs and are even glow-in-the-dark. Except they don't glow in the dark unless we're really, REALLY, into each other. IF ya know what I mean... This fascinates me, science-wise.

Wifeage wakes up, tells me dream of us as one of those Really Old Couples getting interviewed by the local rag. When asked about Keys to Marriage, she says, "ABC - Always Be Cuddling" and I say, "XYZ - X-rate Your Zzzz's!"

So, I saw that there's a HUGE CONSPIRACY THEORY called "Gaylor" about Taylor Swift's sexual orientation, and my biggest question is, "Wouldn't it be Bylor?" Also, comment below if you were able to dig deep enough to find any fucks to give about any of this shit.

Nope, sorry, my bad! Turns out I AM here to fuck spiders.

Am I the only one that remembers that movie where they don't lie and then Ricky Gervais does it and they're like, "How?" And he goes, "I just said something, that wasn't." We now live in the Age of Wasn't.

"For hundreds of years, girls were married as young as 13 and it was commonplace." Sure, and it was totally fine and good because those girls got to choose their husbands and had an equal say in sex, children, finances and politics.

Does anyone else watch the Reckless Ben LEGO Saga where the corrupt cops fuck with these poor kids and feel claustrophobic?

I choose to believe that when something becomes slightly-more complicated and someone says that it "adds another wrinkle" they're comparing it to a butthole, because buttholes are pretty goddam complicated.

I've wanted to document, via images onna interwebs, various scars and birthmarks I have just in case my body needs identified from a tragic blimp accident. But then I realised that just means onna you sick f*cks can just do makeup or something on some corpse and fake my death.

At the tender age of 51, I'm learning I poop entirely too much. Frequency, not volume. Soz, shoulda said.

After seeing all the stuff about Jee-Oh-Dee and his arch-nemesis, I'm really starting to wonder what's so bad about Beelzebub.

Popular YT'ers: [Vidja opens] "...hit that Like Button..." Me: Earn it, fucker. EARN IT. [watches vidja, forgets to like]

You both took me to R-rated movies as a child and personally, sometimes incidentally, exposed me to inappropriate sexual things from an early age. Shout out to Boomer Parents who "just didn't know any better" and all the lovely, CPTSD-flavoured, sexual issues I've suffered my entire life. Cheers!

I wouldn't trust ANYONE who actively drinks liquid sustenance from a bovine's tits, meant for that bovine's baby, and considers that somehow more impressive than somebody that found a way to milk a nut.

Do you reckon Irish/Scottish people are ever talking to each other and think, "Fucking hell, we've got the coolest fucking accents EVER."? Because they should, they really should.

I am disproportionately annoyed at White Males who sign off by saying "PEACE." Like, my dude, what effect do you think that has on anyone or anything other than some sort of reflection on you and your solo belief that you're "one of the good ones."?

Not for nothing, but I think it's okay to be spiritual or wonder about What's Beyond. But, I think an old book and a fucked-up and abusive deity are pretty fucking stupid, and you're an idiot if you buy any of that shit. Hugs!

We're all watching rich, old, white, men doing whatever they want: flouting laws, harming many people, and having zero accountability... Yet we're all acting So Surprised when this is what they've been doing all along. Fucking... talk about something else. Or DO something.

Is NO ONE ELSE bothered by "balaclava" is a full-face mask worn by bad guys and "Baklava" is a delicious Turkish treat? ANYONE?

Silently, I sat. The base of the tree etching temporary grooves into my skin, making it itch like my heart when I thought about when he would finally arrive.

If you're a writer, write "I waited" without saying it. “I desperately wished for just a glimpse of the future l to see if all this would be worth it. But I had to take the long way round.”

Normalise clip-on ties! No, seriously. They're practical and easy and there's no reason other than other ties picking on them that they shouldn't be mainstream.

TIL that "TIL" means "Today I Learned". Also, when posts say "Something something celebrity/event BTS" it does NOT mean they're doing a collab with a K-Pop Boy Band, but rather showing us what's "Behind The Scenes". Shit be crazy.

Wild that they're actually throwing not just reporting but Police/Gov't ACTION at someone that's Indigenous. Shit like that never seems to happen any more, and I hope and pray it helps in bringing this sweet baby home.

I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun YOU.

Is it me, or was Kylo Ren kind of a li'l punkass bitch?

So, when Those In Power just write down OutLANDishly-untrue and impossible stories about the Weird Shit Going Down, it's Dumb and Bad. Unless it was 2000 years ago.

Yeah, and what's GOOD about it?!

Turns out, the answer is: WOMEN. This is a loosely-defined graph of Technological/Human Innovation overlaid with Women's Sufferage/Women's Rights/Representation from about 1890 to ~Now.

This is a TEST.

I kind of appreciate the Outright and Open Sociopathy from the DOGE Bros. I mean, saves me the step of having to worry about regarding them as human.

Do NOT be intimidated. They're human just like you, and they put on their pants in the morning the same as you. Both legs at once, falling backward onto your bed, shimmying and pulling and praying the zipper will hold.