Chainsaws_n_meth

I’M NOT SAYING THIS BAGUETTE IS STALE ALL I’M SAYING IS I’M USING A KEYHOLE SAW BECAUSE THE BREAD KNIFE WASN’T WORKING.

Jesus Christ. Someone just went F-150 through a kid’s soccer game here: www.kake.com/home/2-dead-...

IF YOU’RE WATCHING NIU-WYOMING RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. …I HAVE A PROBLEM.

FORGOT HOW TO COUNT? JUST TRAMPLE A REF!

ANYONE ELSE HOPING SOMEBODY FORGETS HOW THE GAME WORKS, LIKE WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY?

WHY DO THE PACKERS LOOK LIKE SOME KIND OF BIZARRO-DOLPHINS TODAY? THOSE JERSEYS HURT MY EYES. LIKE THAT UNCOLOR IS SUCKING THE LIFE FORCE OUT OF ANYTHING NEAR IT.

THIS GUY IS ASKING THE CLEERK IF HE NEEDS TO GET THE TITLE OF HIS NEW CAR “NOTORIETY.” I THINK HE MEANS “NOTARIZED.” ALSO, WE’RE IN A FUCKING WALLGREEN’S.

THE CAT’S AT THE VET, AND HE IS VERY MUCH VOICING HIS DISPLEASURE. HE’S A LOUD LITTLE BASTARD.

CHRIST, THIS GUY AT WORK TRYING TO TALK TO ME ABOUT A GAME I BOUGHT EARLIER THIS WEEK. HE’S THE KIND OF GUY WHO THINKS EVERY CONSOLE IS A ‘NINTENDO’. OBVIOUSLY NEVER PICKED UP A CONTROLLER IN HIS LIFE. HE’S ONLY 5 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. GAMES HAVE BEEN AROUND SINCE WE WERE KIDS. WTF?

FUCKING PINKS!

THE ONLY REASON I’D LEAVE THE HOUSE TODAY WOULD BE TO GO COMMIT A CRIME, AND I’M NOT REALL FEELING LIKE CRIMING.

HAWAII! WYOMING! ON THE CW! I’M A FUCKING WEIRDO!

I BRING MY MUG TO JOB INTERVIEWS. I TELL ‘EM IT’S FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH HARD WORK. THEN I EXCUSE MYSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERVIEW. I TELL ‘EM I GOTTA GO PISS EXCELLENCE.

I DON’T THINK J D VANCE FUCKED A COUCH WHEN HE WAS YOUNG. I AM ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED HE GAVE CUSHON-PUSHIN’ A SHOT AFTER THE RUMOR STARTED TO SPREAD, THOUGH.

I’M GETTING IRRATIONALLY ANGRY THAT GEORGIA-ARKANSAS ISN’T OVER YET.

THINKING OF GETTING INTO AI PSYCHOSIS. JUST COMPLETELY DISASSOCIATING. FULL-BLOWN LOONY, THAT SORT OF THING.

I REFUSE TO WATCH THAT FISH.

CONGRATULATIONS TO CHARLIE KIRK FOR NOT SAYING ANYTHING EVIL OR STUPID FOR A WHOLE YEAR! THAT LEAN TO THE LEFT YOU TOOK IS REALLY PAYING OFF, BUDDY!

I JUST ATE AN ITALIAN BEEF SAMMITCH THE SIZE OF A FOOTBALL, AND EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOING TO BE OKAY.

I’M FEELING IT. YEAH, I’M FEELING IT. NOT SURE WHAT THE FUCK “IT” IS, BUT I’M DEFINITELY FEELING IT.

I JUST FORGOT WHAT THE FUCK I JUST DID. I JUST REMEMBER IT WAS COOL.

ORIGINAL FLAVOR MONSTER ENERGY DRINK TASES LIKE DEET. WHY DID I BUY THIS? AGAIN?

JED YORK: CRIMINAL TOOL.

I AM HOLDING IN MY HANDS A SMALL ELECTRONIC DEVICE THAT CAN ACCESS DAMN NEAR ALL HUMAN KNOWLEDGE. I AM USING IT TO SHITPOST IN ALL CAPS.

STAYING UP PAST MIDNIGHT JUST TO MAKE SURE THIS DAMN DAY ENDS. I DON’T TRUST THE BASTARD NOT TO SNEAK UP ON ME IN MY SLEEP AND SCREW ME AGAIN.

I FEEL LIKE THERE’S A POST I’VE MADE RECENTLY THAT I REALLY SHOULD BE CHECKING UP ON. THERE ISN’T ONE. BUT I FEEL LIKE THERE IS. REALLY, REALLY BAD.

(sigh) …FUCK.

THE VOLCANO OF RAGE FROM EARLIER HAS COLLAPSED INTO A CALDERA OF SELF-LOATHING. I INTEND TO FILL THIS CRATER WITH A LAKE OF BROWN LIQUOR SOON.

STEPHEN A SMITH IS THE WORST CARTOON CHARACTER I’VE EVER SEEN.

WHEW! OKAY, TIME TO TURN THIS OFF REAL QUICK BEFORE DONNIE DIAPERS RUINS EVERYTHING.

BUTTLOCK? BUTTLOCK!

HE DED.

THERE IT IS!

NEED A BIGGER HEAD, THERE.

HELICOPTER!

OF COURSE THE GAME SUCKS ASS! TRUMP’S IN THE BUILDING!

THE TV AT THE LAUNDROMAT HAS PAT McAFFEE ON, AND THIS GOOBER HAS TO BE THE REDDEST HUMAN BEING I’VE EVER SEEN. THIS IS LIKE WATCHING A CARTOON.

LINDSEY GRAHAM DIED? OH, NO! ANYWAY I’M MAKING BAKED ZITI FOR DINNER TONIGHT. GONNA BE SOOOO GOOD! GONNA USE SO MUCH CHEESE I MAY NEVER POOP RIGHT AGAIN.

NO HAALAND. NO JUDE. IF THIS GOES TO KICKS, SHIT’S GONNA GET WEIRD.

WAIT, WHAT? HAALAND IS HUMAN?

I JUST SAW A SKEET I AGREE WITH, AND WANTED TO REPLY TO THEM ENCOURAGINGLY, BUT THEIR REPLIES ARE RESTRICTED. SO I’LL DO IT HERE. PREACH, BROTHER! DAMN STRAIGHT!

POCH HAS THE CHANCE TO DO THE FUNNIEST THING EVER TONIGHT.

WHAT’S WITH THAT FUCKING STUTTER, BRUNO!

¡PENAL!

OH SHIT, CAPE VERDE!

SO NOW, INSTEAD OF DEAD DOG SKEETS, IT’S DEAD DOG ANNIVERSARY SKEETS? I SEE THE ALGORITHM IS EVOLVING.

YOU KNOW WHAT’S FUN? BEING A FAT GUY, SITTING CRISS-CROSS APPLESAUCE ON A HARDWOOD FLOOR, AND LAUNCHING A HELLACIOUS FART. I’M PRETTY SURE THE NEIGHBORS ACROSS THE STREET HEARD THAT.

WHY IS “PANTS” PLURAL?

COWORKERS IN THIS BREAK ROOM TALKING ABOUT THEIR TIMES IN PRISON. ……

THEY FUCKING WON?