Jean-Paul Shartre

For anyone on the fence about making “their private key was 4” jokes: strike while the iron is hot, you only have a Zacharia or two where they’ll land right

Eagerly awaiting this new studio “OChemWare” and their Q2 2027 release of “Matter Consequence”.

Waiting for the “Known Shakespeare expert Donald Trump” machine to start rolling up in 3…

Typing this is taking me roughly one microzacharia, or just under four-and-a-half seconds

You know what’s a horrible moment? When your Italian Airbnb has one of the many off-brand neh-spresso machines and you go shopping to stock the airbnb and buy the capsules that look like the right shape on the box and then at 715 the next morning you discover that they’re the *slightly wrong* shape.

Good morning from a rainy train down to Milan for the weekend. It’s almost eight am, we’ve three hours to go, and OU still sucks

Me: sitting on bus, hits the stop button, gathers my bag up, does that awkward little half squat Bus: stops Lady in aisle seat: oh do you want to get off?

Okay, so that’s Strands jumping the shark

Grabbed a little coaster with no rim for my pills this morning, worst version of Super Monkey Ball I’ve played since Adventure

Spare a thought for poor Mike Pence. No place in Trump’s second term as they finally take action on bestiality.

No: White House ballroom Yes: White House ball pit

@sickoscommittee.org Chief Illiniplex

I might have just received the most bourgeoise email ever. The head of the board of trustees of the (private) elementary and middle school just emailed the alumni network to let us know that: they’ve engaged a consultant to lead the search for a new principal

Thank you LinkedIn for sending me multiple daily emails about your new puzzles. That’s exactly why I joined LinkedIn, for the puzzles.

And the Bourbons finally get their revenge, served gazpacho cold

I’ll take Before and After for 800, Ken. “These two men will not be Senate candidates in the 2026 general election.”

Honestly didn’t have the field winning that one

Breaking: Florida landowner continues to fail to clean pool

Poch’s face rn is the only thing the USMNT delivered all night

Of fucking course

And after everything Balogun does that…

Ladies and Gentlemen, President Donald Trump is Cashing In his FIFA Peace Prize for a World Cup Championship Match, live, on Raw, Right Now!

Breaking news: two people you don’t know and will never know are getting married soon. Care!

In a 5-4 decision, the USMNT to only go without Balogun for one match

There are worse Justices, both in the past and present, but are there any Justices *dumber* than Kavanaugh? His concurrence basically reads “The children of illegal immigrants are sufficiently similar to the children of foreign ambassadors and invading armies because there’s more immigration now.”

Uzbekistan play like nine-year-old me with his first ever copy of FIFA. *hits slide tackle button* *hits slide tackle button* *hits slide tackle button* *hits slide tackle button*

As news breaks that they’re emptying the reflecting pool, Trump finally able to deliver on his campaign promise to drain the swamp

I’m proud to be an American Because USMNT

What is this strange feeling of being happy? is it happy? I don’t even know? at a USMNT halftime?

Fitting that a rushed, unbalanced, and ill-considered document purporting to end a conflict was just signed at Versailles

blehgium

The World Cup so far: - Curaçao is as good as Brazil - Spain is as good as Cabo Verde

Curaçao officially as good as Brazil at soccer

Rather chuffed for Curaçao rn

Dear apps, I don’t want your notifications. I don’t want new features. I don’t want to share. I want you to do the thing I downloaded you to do and then to never engage with you otherwise. Best regards, Everyone

So now that the IRS has settled with Trump and agreed never to audit his past tax returns, he can release them, right?

Is de Zerbi’s facial hair as bad as it looks? Appears he’s shaved in a thin line down to his chin from his upper lip. A tiny little mushroom cloud of a soul patch.

I know Trump campaigned on more funding for local cops, but the 1.776 billion is a bit on the nose even for him

Gradually coming to the realisation that I live a very different life to the editor who sets the difficulty categories on Connections

New tradwife tiktok banger: Churn Down For What

I’ve fallen for it again. Got a cute little airbnb (don’t worry I’m not in Barcelona or anywhere with a housing crisis), proud of myself for saving money even before I cook better breakfast than a hotel, and then I tried to get to sleep. They skimped on the bed. Why do they always skimp on the bed?

What follows are my thoughts on Will Stancil:

I await the Fifth Circuit faithfully enforcing the Supreme Court’s repeated rulings to not allow changes to districts too close to an upcoming lol no I can’t even finish typing that

Alex Jones: pique masculinity

I mean, the President’s crazy and sundowning and all, but he did manage to hit on the quite funny statistical anomaly that crime rates in Vatican City often exceed its population, since there’s like three hundred citizens and way more pickpockets preying on tourists in the Square.

America has always been at war with *checks notes* the Vatican!

So the whole point was to *block* the straight all along? Well well done then everybody!

Today’s lesson in court etiquette: the appropriate form of address for Chicago nobility is “m’lort”.

For the record: I’ve only ever had casual correspondence with pedophile traffickers. I may have said I hope my emails found them well, but America can be assured I never meant it.

Hi, it’s me, the guy sitting on the bench press station with his phone rather than starting the next set. Doing it right now in fact.