Clare (The Amazon)

It's kind of amazing that there have been several really accomplished and impressive First Ladies in my lifetime - women with advanced degrees, political careers, outstanding philanthropy...and then Melania Trump. Fuckin' YIKES.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but if you injure yourself, you almost NEVER want to apply heat to it. Ice only for at LEAST the first two days. Ice reduces inflammation, which accelerates recovery. If you *must* use heat, at least alternate it with ice for a few days.

Greatest video game characters of all time: 5 - Tifa, Final Fantasy 7 🥳 4 - Tifa in the Loveless dress 🤩 3 - Tifa in cut-off shorts 😍 2 - Tifa in a bikini 🫪 1 - Tifa in that blue Wall Market getup 🤯

Meanwhile at everyone’s favorite Cheesecake Factory the time has come for requests

Nailed it.

FINALLY got the fucking ridiculous number of cells to finalize my Zygarde. Frankly there should be half as many required, OR they could guarantee at least one cell per route. This takes too damn long. #PokemonGo

SO CLOSE. #PokemonGo

My son painted this beautiful bird in school today 😍

So many people have October birthdays that I have to assume a lot of people are like "okay, let's have [another?] baby this year" on January 1st and immediately hit the bullseye ☠️

Throwback to that time 7 years ago when I met the iconic (and pretty tall actually) Elizabeth Warren ❤️

Average man, reacting to being the last man on Earth: absolutely thrilled! Finally women will want me. Incredible! Popping champagne! Average woman, being the last woman on Earth: I need to kill myself immediately in a way that will make my body too mutilated for my corpse to be gang-raped.

Look, I'm not gonna say Trump is gay. I AM gonna say he's a fucking pervert. And one thing's for certain, two things for sure: a pervert's gonna perv.

I keep seeing posts from people super disappointed that they didn't get the "million stardust" in Pokemon Go, but I'm GLAD I didn't. It would've been wasted on me. I am approaching 15 million as it is. Hopefully there's some sort of math involved where it's "won" by active players who *need* it.

Tonight in #PokemonGo we have the ultimate FF7 crossover with the debut of Minior. It's basically Jenova, right? Only less sinister.

Top Ten Junk Drawer Contents: 10 - roll of masking tape from 1987 9 - paperclip 8 - dessicated rubber band 7 - flathead screwdriver 6 - broken novelty keychain 5 - sticky quarter 4 - many bread clips 3 - bent bobby pin 2 - band-aid so old the wrapper is yellow 1 - Taco Bell sauce packet ("Medium")

How basic of a bitch am I? When I go to Hurts Donut I order off-menu to get a plainer donut because the toppings are "too much." They are kind enough to just dust a plain vanilla cake donut with powdered sugar for my lame ass ❤️

I barely participated in Sandile Hatch Day. I only hatched four Sandile. But two of them were shiny! That's a damn good percentage. #PokemonGo

THE SEGWAY-RIDING ASHLEY HINSON SHILL CAME BACK. This time I got a good look at him. A young, skinny dude, dressed all in black (complete with face coverings). Looking for all the world like if Ozempic Johnny Cash was there on January 6th.

Misogyny Nonsense Of The Day: men who call women "cum dumpsters," as if being a trashcan is worse than being the NASTY TRASH that goes in it.

Got this cutie on my alt and the trade went lucky. Thanks, Friendship Friday! #PokemonGo

I HAVE VOTED! And got soaked by rain in the process. But at least I can say "voting made me wet" and it's only disgusting when taken out of context.

It's kind of crazy that the age to buy vapes in Iowa is 21, but the age to drive a fuckin' car is 14.

Ashley Hinson has people knocking on doors riding SEGWAYS in my neighborhood, motherfucker you didn't need to give me ANOTHER reason to vote against your blonde bobbleheaded ass.

I was already 95% set on early voting at the local campus thus weekend, but this Facebook post put me over the top.

Guys like "women stop dressing like whores at the gym we're sick of seeing tits everywhere," brother JUST SAY THAT YOU'RE GAY. What kind of straight man doesn't like seeing tits?! Be SO FUCKIN' FOR REAL right now, man.

I had a dream last night that was so hilarious that I woke myself up by laughing. Thanks, Xanax! 😍

It's fascinating to me how much MAGA loves Christopher Columbus, considering the fear-mongering they do about "immigrants coming here and raping and killing everyone." Like.... who's gonna tell them?

As a fitness professional, I can tell you that Shane Gillis is right. Women at the gym dress like whores. We've all been to those whorehouses and seen all the sex workers wearing sports bras, leggings, and Hoka shoes. It's definitely ubiquitous.

Nation’s Indigenous People Confirm They Don’t Need Special Holiday, Just Large Swaths Of Land Returned Immediately https://theonion.com/nation-s-indigenous-people-confirm-they-don-t-need-spec-1839033177/

SNL should stop trying to make Shane Gillis happen.

There are two kinds of millennials: Goosebumps, and Fear Street. I'm Fear Street, baby. I was a very precocious reader. I started reading Fear Street books in like third grade.

Husband asked what I wanted for my birthday dinner and he made it happen ❤️❤️❤️

In today's edition of "And The Trump Kids Could NEVER," Chelsea Clinton finished the Chicago Marathon in 3:47.

My older brother sent me a video of the family saying happy birthday and of course he tacked on "go Packers" at the end because this man cannot help but be the most fuckin' Wisconsin-y person you'll ever meet. The dude bleeds Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Husband is back from Brazil and he brought me...tiny Toblerone! His traditional work-trip gift for me, but usually it's from Europe. Apparently they have tiny Toblerone everywhere except the US. Also he brought me this incredible hand cream and now I am *supple.*