Admiral Butterscotch

Clayface is unique in that he’s the only Batman that can be defeated by turning him into a decorative vase.

Why don’t petting zoos have animals I actually want to pet? Never in my life have I wanted to touch a goat.

Imagine if you got a bag full of goldfish crackers, all frowning. How messed up would that be.

Started reading “I Am Legend.” Surprisingly doesn’t start with “Will Smith walked through the empty city with his dog, on the prowl for Koi.” Absolute bullshit tbh.

Why do none of the other bald guys in the office want to start a bald guy alliance with me?

It’s almost the end of 2026, which means any moment we could get a fucked up headline like “CDC recall: candy canes infected with snails”

Are You There God? It’s Me, Ultra God

Frequent thought: Is this a common experience or do I have a disease?

TRAINING: Social engineering attacks prey on your innate desire to be helpful. ME: I have never felt safer.

You ever fart the same fart (same power, volume, buttfeel) back to back to back? Very empowering.

Have we considered that Scrooge McDuck is a dragon?

Why do none of my friends ever have schemes or plots? Fuckers ain’t hatchin shit these days.

My entire adult life has been defined by people becoming dumber and less empathetic. And yet, there are dogs.

The best skincare brand can’t possibly be called “the roach pussy” I fuckin hate this timeline

I keep reading dumbass comments on PlayStation disc discontinuation posts like “reap what you sow” but I’ve been buying physical discs since the beginning. So I’m reaping what you dumbasses sowed. Which seems to be a pattern considering… everything.

Every time I’ve ever said “no worries” has been a lie

We are all afraid to eat lettuce. The future is so ass.

The creators of Sesame Street: “We need a character that can help teach kids to count…” Some dude who knows a lot of obscure vampire lore: :D

One time I saw a pitbull (the dog, not the man) on the subway and I said hi to her and she got uncontrollably happy and I had to apologize to her owner for getting her too excited but I wasn’t sorry at all.

The implication of Ernest Scared Stupid is that the fear made him this way. Viewers will note that this is untrue.

One time a fly landed on my (bald) head and I was like You think YOU? can Ratatouille ME?? Fool.

I wonder if regular clowns resent class clowns.

@playstation.com I’ve owned every PlayStation console from the beginning. I won’t be buying anything from you as of January 2028. This is a short sighted anti-consumer move that will damage your bottom line and the industry as a whole. I hope you change course, but if not… good luck.

So I was watching Avatar 3 and they introduced a new blue lady that they want me to think is sexy but none of those blue people have asses.

In the book, Stuart Little is a human child who happens to look like a mouse. Which means he’s a mutant. Which means he could join the X-Men.

There should be more dog-based graffiti

COWORKER: How are you? ME: Fine. You? MY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: They fucken cancelled Doctor Who

YOU, A FOOL: Trump started the Iran war to distract from the Epstein files. ME, A GENIUS: Trump started the Iran war because he was jealous of Punch the monkey.

Natalie Imbruglia sounds like the name of someone we all went to high school with but we lost touch and one day you see her in the supermarket and you’re like “what up Broogster” but she doesn’t remember your name so you resent her a little forever.

“Are you calm under pressure?” I’m not even calm under calm

New pornstar name: Growth Spurt

Imagine telling your vet that your parrot had a heart attack in its personal submarine

I’m really stressed out about so many different things… now would be a great time to get into Bigfoot.

Someone at work saw my Spotify playlist called “white people moaning” so how’s the job market?

I bet if there was like a giant bee and it ripped open a building it would be so mad we don’t make human honey. Like it would feel so cheated.

(Thinking I’ve become much more easy going) COWORKER: Pretzels can’t go bad, they’re already stale ME: What the FUCK are you talking about?? Are you insane?!

*clears throat* Queef Wellington

Why did we stop at Gogurt? Why didn’t we make other foods faster to eat? Like Speeze (speed cheese) or Runion (run onion)

Sabrina Carpenter always looks like she’s in disguise

There’s a hack and slash game starring a giant chicken and it’s not called Cock Fight wtf

People at work keep getting mad at me for making up elaborate origins for common words and phrases. I bet this is how AI feels all the time.

The groundhog did not die for our sins. He is our sins incarnate.

Ranked choice erections. Is that a thing?

Crabs look like they have accents. I cannot explain this.

Had a dream that I was on a journey with a samurai named Yoshinoya but I kept calling him “beef bowl” and he was very stoic and didn’t speak English but I knew he hated me.

It probably really fucks with him to hear that he should be dead from someone with the voice of a bog monster.

At least when the Roman Empire fell, they didn’t have the internet. So you know it was probably a real surprise to some people.

He assures me of the quality. “Barrel aged to perfection for seven years.” But I know when I’m being scammed. There’s no way they could fit more than two monkeys in there tops.