Cobra Commander Posts

COBRA HAS NO ISSUE WITH TRANS PEOPLE! FRANKLY WE NEED ALL THE RECRUITS WE CAN GET. WE LOST HALF A BATTALION TO A SAILOR & HIS WISE-ASS TALKING BIRD ALONE. ENLIST TODAY!

FOR THE TWENTY-FIFTH TIME, IT WASN’T US! YEESH!

IT MIGHT NOT BE OUR SHOW, BUT… TIL ALL ARE ONE.

SOME SAY I HAVE LEFT MY COBRA TROOPERS “TOO LONG” ON DEPLOYMENT AT OUR UNDERWATER BASE AND THAT THEY’RE “DANGEROUSLY UNDER-SUPPLIED.” *I* SAY THAT BOOT LEATHER IS DELICIOUS WHEN PROPERLY SEASONED AND THAT THEY CAN SUCK IT UP!

ONCE AGAIN, THE BIASED MEDIA SPINS YARNS THAT SERVE G.I. JOE PROPAGANDA! NO, I DID *NOT* SNEAK ONTO A COBRA RATTLER VIA A CATERING TRUCK WHILE BARONESS, DESTRO, AND MINDBENDER WERE ON THE FLAGSHIP! IT WAS THE BAGGAGE CART. I DEMAND ACCURACY, YOU HACKS!

And as Bluesky has established that COBRA Commander says Trans Rights, surely the Joes, as good guys, aren't gonna get left behind on the wrong side of history by the baddies

BEFORE ANYONE STARTS IN, NO, OUR ORGANIZATION HAD NO HAND IN THAT MEPHISTO CASTING.

PEOPLE HAVE MANY CHOICES FOR EVIL THESE DAYS, BUT CONSIDER THESE BENEFITS TO JOINING COBRA OVER THE REPUBLICAN PARTY: - NO TARIFFS, WE JUST STEAL GOLD BARS - WE HAVE YET TO GIVE ANYONE DEATH DIARRHEA OUTSIDE OF A LAB SETTING - WE FIRE ANY KIDDY DIDDLERS IN OUR RANKS INTO THE EARTH’S MOLTEN CORE

Nothing less than the best

COBRA Commander says Trans Rights

I WILL ALLOW THIS AS LONG AS THEY ALLOW ME TO CREATIVELY CONSULT. IT TAKES A CERTAIN KIND OF PANACHE TO HIDE BEHIND A MOTHER & CHILD WHILE SHOOTING AN ENERGY PISTOL, AND I WON’T BE MISREPRESENTED!

AS WE SPEAK, MY ATOMIC CANON IS BEING PLACED ON THE LUNAR SURFACE T- What? Sam Neil died? NEW ORDERS: EVERYBODY GATHER IN THE PALACE LIVING ROOM! WE’RE DOING A MOVIE MARATHON! “IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS” UP FIRST IN T-MINUS 10 MINUTES! DESTRO, YOU’RE ON POPCORN DUTY!

GODDAMMIT, THE LASER MISSED & HIT LINDSEY GRAHAM INSTEAD! I AM SURROUNDED BY INCOMPETENTS!!!!

I WISH I COULD CLAIM THE DIARRHEA VIRUS WAS ONE OF OUR MANY PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION, BUT THE FACT IS WE ALL JUST GOT IT FROM EATING AT PANERA YESTERDAY AND WE ARE NOW FOCUSING ALL RETALIATORY ACTIONS AGAINST RFK FOR MAKING COBRA PALACE SMELL LIKE AN OUTHOUSE AT LOLLAPALOOZA.

SOME PEOPLE SAY I COPY THE CURRENT AMERICAN PRESIDENT TOO MUCH, BUT I WHOLEHEARTEDLY DISAGREE! FOR EXAMPLE, INSTEAD OF PUTTING ON A HILARIOUSLY ILL ATTENDED FESTIVAL FULL OF LOSERS & SEX CRIMINALS, I JUST PUNCHED MYSELF IN THE DICK. SAME RESULT.

Unless you want to have to show your government ID to every regularly-hacked-platform like Discord or Google, call your fucking Senators *NOW.*

FOR THE RECORD, WE DID *NOT* GIVE SGT. SLAUGHTER THE ENTIRE $300 BILLION OF OUR MAIN TREASURY BECAUSE WE “PICKED A FIGHT” WITH HIM AND HE (ALLEGEDLY) BEAT ALL OF US UP, SINGLEHANDEDLY, WITHOUT BREAKING A SWEAT. WE DID IT BECAUSE IT WAS CLEARLY A DRAW.

NOTE TO SELF: BUILD GIBBERISH RAY.

REASONS COBRA IS PREFERABLE TO YOUR CURRENT GOVERNMENT: - WE DO NOT TEAR GAS RIOTERS. WE SIMPLY TOSS YOU IN THE BATTLE ARENA. - EVERYBODY GETS THE SAME HEALTHCARE PLAN: FIGHTING IN THE BATTLE ARENA FOR WHO GETS TREATED. - OUR SECRET ISLANDS CONTAIN ONLY ANCIENT TEMPLES & BATTLE ARENAS.

PEOPLE KEEP ASKING IF COBRA PLANS TO PIVOT TO AI AND I KEEP INFORMING THEM TO PIVOT ON THE BUSINESS END OF A LASER CANON.

A LANDIS?! A *LANDIS*?!? GREAT! WE’LL BE ABLE TO WATCH FIFTEEN MINUTES OF THE MOVIE BEFORE ONE HALF OF THE WRITING TEAM STARTS GROPING THE ACTRESS PORTRAYING THE BARONESS RIGHT BEFORE A HELICOPTER CRUSHES THE ACTORS PORTRAYING ME & TWO SMALL CHILDREN! IDIOTS!

DESPITE WHAT THE MEDIA WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE, WE ARE NOT LOSING THE BATTLE AGAINST G.I. JOE HEADQUARTERS. HAVE WE RUN OUT OF MUNITIONS? YES. HAVE THEY CAPTURED MAJOR BLUDD AND TIED HIM TO A FLAGPOLE? YES. AM I TYPING THIS FROM A HIDDEN BUNKER? NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! KEEP FIGHTING, FOOLS!

WHO CARES IF SOMEONE TOOK A SHOT AT YOUR MEATBALL PRESIDENT?! MEGAN THEE STALLION IS SINGLE AGAIN! ZARTAN, DEPLOY THE COOKIE BOUQUETS & VERMONT TEDDY BEARS!

OF COURSE WE CELEBRATE PRIDE MONTH AT COBRA! THE DREADNOKS ARE BASICALLY AN ENTIRE LEATHER CLUB THAT SLEEP IN A BIG PILE! AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON WHERE THAT FANCY MUSTACHE OF DR. MINDBENDER’S HAS BEEN!

CHRIST, I AM NEVER LIVING THAT DOWN.

THIS ORANGE SHIT IS GETTING ALL THE CREDIT FOR THE KNICKS LOSING WHEN I WAS THE ONE SPIKING THE GATORADE WITH EXPERIMENTAL SEDATIVES! STOLEN VALOR! STOLEN VALOR!

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED. EVERY GODDAMN TRIP TO THE MALL WITH HIM, ITS NOTHING BUT THE MRS. FIELDS COOKIES STAND AND THEN STRAIGHT TO BLADES R US. HE IS ONE PIRATE SWORD AWAY FROM AN INTERVENTION, I SWEAR TO CHRIST.

OF COURSE WE CELEBRATE PRIDE MONTH AT COBRA! THE DREADNOKS ARE BASICALLY AN ENTIRE LEATHER CLUB THAT SLEEP IN A BIG PILE! AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON WHERE THAT FANCY MUSTACHE OF DR. MINDBENDER’S HAS BEEN!

ALL COBRA PERSONNEL: PREPARE THE RATTLERS! KATY PERRY DOESN’T SEE ANOTHER DAWN FOR HER PLAGIARISM!

@cobracmdrposts.bsky.social looking good tonight

WHO CARES IF SOMEONE TOOK A SHOT AT YOUR MEATBALL PRESIDENT?! MEGAN THEE STALLION IS SINGLE AGAIN! ZARTAN, DEPLOY THE COOKIE BOUQUETS & VERMONT TEDDY BEARS!

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO THANK SCHUMER & JEFFERIES FOR ONCE AGAIN DEFENDING THE ENTIRELY NECESSARY, AND NOT AT ALL RELATED TO MY ORGANIZATION, COBRAPAC FROM THEIR DEMOCRATIC ALLIES. IN RELATED NEWS, ALL SENIOR COBRA STAFF CAN EXPECT THE NEW GOLD-PLATED FERRARIS ON MONDAY!

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO THANK SCHUMER & JEFFERIES FOR ONCE AGAIN DEFENDING THE ENTIRELY NECESSARY, AND NOT AT ALL RELATED TO MY ORGANIZATION, COBRAPAC FROM THEIR DEMOCRATIC ALLIES. IN RELATED NEWS, ALL SENIOR COBRA STAFF CAN EXPECT THE NEW GOLD-PLATED FERRARIS ON MONDAY!

EVEN *I’M* HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

DESPITE WHAT THE MEDIA WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE, WE ARE NOT LOSING THE BATTLE AGAINST G.I. JOE HEADQUARTERS. HAVE WE RUN OUT OF MUNITIONS? YES. HAVE THEY CAPTURED MAJOR BLUDD AND TIED HIM TO A FLAGPOLE? YES. AM I TYPING THIS FROM A HIDDEN BUNKER? NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! KEEP FIGHTING, FOOLS!

A LANDIS?! A *LANDIS*?!? GREAT! WE’LL BE ABLE TO WATCH FIFTEEN MINUTES OF THE MOVIE BEFORE ONE HALF OF THE WRITING TEAM STARTS GROPING THE ACTRESS PORTRAYING THE BARONESS RIGHT BEFORE A HELICOPTER CRUSHES THE ACTORS PORTRAYING ME & TWO SMALL CHILDREN! IDIOTS!

LOOK, I DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TIME TO DO THE 20 LATCHES ON THE BACK OF THIS DAMN MIRROR BALL.

I’M STARTING TO CONSIDER THAT HIRING A NOTORIOUS SEX PEST TO DIRECT “BARONESS: A NEW FILM” MAY HAVE BEEN A MISUSE OF OUR PROPAGANDA BUDGET.

SOME MIGHT SAY A TWO AND A HALF HOUR STATE OF COBRA ADDRESS IS “TOO LONG” OR “NEEDLESSLY PERFORMATIVE.” IF YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE SAYING THIS, WE HAVE ALREADY DISPATCHED THE CRIMSON GUARD TO RETRIEVE YOU FOR TOILING IN THE COBALT MINES, YOU TREASONOUS SCUM!

I’M STARTING TO CONSIDER THAT HIRING A NOTORIOUS SEX PEST TO DIRECT “BARONESS: A NEW FILM” MAY HAVE BEEN A MISUSE OF OUR PROPAGANDA BUDGET.

REASONS COBRA IS PREFERABLE TO YOUR CURRENT GOVERNMENT: - WE DO NOT TEAR GAS RIOTERS. WE SIMPLY TOSS YOU IN THE BATTLE ARENA. - EVERYBODY GETS THE SAME HEALTHCARE PLAN: FIGHTING IN THE BATTLE ARENA FOR WHO GETS TREATED. - OUR SECRET ISLANDS CONTAIN ONLY ANCIENT TEMPLES & BATTLE ARENAS.

I CAN’T SAY IF THIS IS TRUE OR NOT, BUT I HAVE NOTICED HIM COMING TO WORK WITH A DISTURBING AMOUNT OF GLOWSTICKS AROUND HIS NECK AFTER A HOLIDAY WEEKEND MORE THAN ONCE. AND SOMEONE NAMED “BIG TIMMY” STILL CALLS COBRA ISLAND LOOKING FOR SOMEONE NAMED “DR. YUM-YUM.”

WE TRIED GETTING THE BARONESS TO EXPLAIN TO THE TROOPS WHY THEIR MEDICAL BENEFITS WERE GETTING CUT WHILE SHE WAS DRESSED IN A BIKINI TO SOFTEN THE BLOW, BUT SHE REFUSED. IT DIDN’T GO OVER MUCH BETTER WHEN WE MADE DR. MINDBENDER WEAR IT INSTEAD.

CONTRARY TO RUMORS, COBRA WILL NOT BE EMPLOYING BOVINO NOW THAT HE IS A FREE AGENT. IF I WANTED A SHORT, INEFFECTIVE, EGO-MANIACAL CREEP IN CHARGE OF A BUNCH OF BLOOD-THIRSTY THUGS, I’D THROW MONEY AT ZARTAN & THE DREADNOKS!

HOW IS AN OVERLORD SUPPOSED TO ENACT INSANE ACTS OF INTIMIDATION WITH THIS ORANGE MORON PHONING IT IN AND RUINING IT FOR THE REST OF US? “OO, I’M GOING TO START A WAR WITH EUROPE!” YOU AND EVERY IDIOT SINCE NAPOLEON! BUY A GIANT LASER AND DEFACE THE MOON, YOU UNORIGINAL HACK!

GREENLAND? GREENLAND?! WHO TAUGHT THIS MAN HOW TO BE A DICTATOR?! IF YOU’RE GOING TO CONQUER SOMEWHERE, MAKE SURE IT’S SOMEWHERE THAT SEALS DON’T OUTNUMBER THE CITIZENS FIVE-TO-ONE, YOU ORANGE BOOB!

THAT’S NOT FIREWORKS, YOU IMBECILES! SOMEONE LEFT THEIR CIGARETTE IN THE MUNITIONS ROOM! TAKE COVER!

YOUR COMMANDER DOESN’T CONCERN HIMSELF WITH ANYTHING SO PEDESTRIAN AS NEW YEARS “RESOLUTIONS.” THAT BEING SAID, MAYBE THIS WILL BE THE YEAR I FINALLY MANAGE TO GET THE DREADNOKS HOUSEBROKEN.