crash test smarty

imagine the tip of his head poking out from the ocean like a shark fin

I'm doing my part

I'm the toughest guy round these parts.. toughest guy to form a lasting emotional connection with

President Donald Trump announces his Rastafarian faith; of ongoing armed conflict with Iran, says "Wah gwan be irie"

Always Fresh Hyper Local Non GMO For Body + Soul Avoid The Line... Order Online Cleanse Yourself

Donald Trump has converted to Islam and joined the Muslim Brotherhood. Ahlan wa sahlan, Donald X.

"the genocide people" it's almost like he doesn't think objecting to genocide is a serious moral position 🤔

if the last step in a recipe isn't "Enjoy!" then how am I supposed to know how to feel about it

Barefoot! At the Urinal would have been a more provocative band name, if less commercially successful

top leftist podcaster @murderxbryan.bsky.social snubbed by the liberal elite again

It’s increasingly clear that KCRHA was never about actually ending homelessness, but just crisis management, PR and an entity that can serve as the scapegoat. By definition, that type of organization has an inherent shelf life.

Democratic lawmakers believe that they are living in a Disney Channel Original Movie (the class bully will lose heart in face of their symbolic silent protest and make amends)

Babe are feeling ok? You've barely touched your Supercalifragi-Chicken salad

call that the Silver Strangler

my tummy huwts fwum going on the com-pew-dah too much

I eat lunches like you for breakfast

Mitch McConnell Fall Down Again But Die This Time Challenge

A common misconception is that "America" is named after Italian explorer Amerigo Vespucci. If that were the case, it would be called "Amerigo".

MFs don't be talking about peas porridge hot anymore...

Kids these days are more interested in "serving cunt" than "serving 4-6 years in federal prison for making credible threats against elected officials"

I keep getting DMs from beautiful intelligent and caring women who say they need gift cards to resolve a problem with their bank before they can become my girlfriends

They should make a sequel called "Despicable? Me?!"

(parody/satire) It would be really sad if this guy had to hang out in hell with Brian Thompson

Pelosi and Schumer would never have the guts for this

Black garlic + hot honey + sea salt on toast

My favorite thing about Bluesky so far is that it's safe to use while I'm driving ☺️

If someone says they are "laughing all the way to the bank" and don't specify what bank, it's safe to assume it's the sperm bank

Returning my depression to the mental illness store because it didn't make me cute and funny

The Babylonians only built hanging gardens because they could not conceive of a Pizza Hut-Subway highway travel plaza

This year I'm going to the gym in order to develop a big fat ass. This will increase my endurance and comfort while sitting, a key asset for any aspiring professional gamer

My uncle's funeral is the perfect venue to introduce my new comic persona, "Guy who thinks The Beatles and The Beastie Boys are the same people"

What sort of Thomas-foolery is this?

In my school days, they called me Sweet Boy. On account of my bein' so sweet.

A former coworker who got into legal trouble over a verbal altercation with a 13 year-old lists himself as a "disruptor" on LinkedIn. Normal world

Male model? I guess you could say I'm going to be a male model for my future wife's children

Just watched a guy DM slide an Instagram model with "Hi Lady" on the train before switching back to a Telegram group full of hardcore porn. Dudes Do Not Always Rock

Watched a guy at the gym lint roll his girlfriend's back... Love is beautiful 😍😍🥰

Ex-Comrade Oblansk, you are to face the tribunal of the People's Commissariat of Good Vibes for your traitorous crime of implying that fiesta lime chips are a weaker version of salt and vinegar...

Kids today would rather "listen to J Balvin" than "read James Baldwin"

Christmas is now an American holiday. If you aren't American you don't get to celebrate it sorry. Y'all can have Thanksgiving in exchange

Henry Kissinger sir.... Rest in Piss,, respectfully

Does ACAB include the Ghostbusters