Crab Creatures

This is my son, Murphy. He cannot be trusted and I will execute him as soon as I feel like it. Wishing him all the best.

James bit me on my little finger so I will be revoking his IPad for a week. I will also be uploading his soul into an IBM quantum computer, programmed to make each second feel like a thousand lifetimes of torment.

Quincy was pulled over for going 90mph in a school zone. Quincy, being a devious little man, quickly beheaded the officer. Smooth moves, Quincy!

This is my original character, Bentley 2. If you have nothing nice to say about Bentley 2 then DO NOT engage with me. Grow up.

Today is my birthday, and thus the Birthday Fairy has come to collect his tithe. Three of my favourite followers will be abducted and destroyed immediately.

@panootsart.bsky.social By delving into the Chuck E Cheese wiki the seal has been broken. The dastardly rat is free.

I went back. She took her top off and made me uncomfortable. She has absolutely ruined carbon monoxide for me.

I was exposed to tremendous amounts of carbon monoxide and it allowed me to commune with the witch. Big fan of carbon monoxide.

I have obtained this rare Peruvian Gore Wyrm. Her name is Isabelle and she screams whenever I read the holy bible aloud 💕

I have some sad news regarding my son, Pud. He got that dog in him. Please keep him in your prayers.

After many years, my worm on a string has returned. He has grown. He has shed the string that shackled him. I fear he will slay me in my sleep.

This is my new dog, Toby. I think he’s some kind of Greyhound or Whippet. Exceptionally stupid creature. Hate him.

@panootsart.bsky.social come get your damn bird.

Hi everyone, I’ve got some sad news. The Fworm is back. Best of luck to all of you.

My homunculus, Oscar, has successfully finished his incubation. Sometimes I shake his jar really aggressively, positively rattling him. He absolutely hates it. Please congratulate Oscar.

I watched Mabel consume three entire ant colonies today. Hundreds of thousands of lives, extinguished in mere moments. A slaughter of monstrous proportions. Pretty cool, Mabel!

This is my lovely daughter, Courtney. The worms have spread to her heart and the doctor says she can’t eat toads anymore. Unfortunately, I can’t bring myself to stop her.

@panootsart.bsky.social Yobi has illegally entered my home every night this week. He keeps leaving me spelling puzzles and he scares the shit out of my dog.

This is my new exotic Pitbull. I believe he is a 2 X Pimpy and 3 X Bape mix. He ate a big bag of onions so he has a tummy ache.

A big thank you to the Make A Wish Foundation. Pigler used his wish to make David Attenborough watch as he threw a bunch of plastic bags in the ocean. Pigler isn’t even dying, he’s just a stupid pig.

I have trapped the essence of this large British man in an orb of sorts. Repeat the words “oh large British man, grant me your boon”, and you might receive his blessing. But beware, for he is fickle, and may bestow a curse.

The vile wizard turned me in to a creature of sorts. As grim as it might appear, I so enjoy retracting into my flesh shell. Feeling positive!

No one knows how to have fun quite like Stephon. He has incurred significant liver damage due to years of substance abuse and his quality of life is irreparably diminished. Keep it up, Stephon!

I am giving away my Persian Hooded Corpse Worm. He needs to eat three bags of premium mulch every day and I just can’t afford it anymore. Please help him find a good home.

Today is Sophie’s birthday. We invited all her friends and grilled hamburgers but no one turned up. Even her favourite cigarettes can’t cheer her up.

Miguel, I’m sorry I hit you in the head with that hammer. I don’t know why I did it. I really care about you. Please come home.

Took Wesley to the pond today. The little scamp was so excited, he threw up twice.

Biggly smashed all the stray cats in the alley, causing the rat population to grow uncontrollably. So begins our joint business venture as rat milkers.

Brian kept saying “I am walking over here” in an unacceptable Italian-American accent, so I cast the fungus spell on him. The fungus spell is quickly becoming one of my top 5 spells.

Sticky lost my rarest, most valuable toad, the elusive Rhodesian Blue Foot. Naturally, he will be spending the next 13 months in The Circle of Torment. If you are interested in becoming my new Toad Keeper, please submit your toad portfolio below.

Visited g-paw at the old folks home. He says the staff aren’t feeding him. Maybe if he didn’t tell so many lies, he would be in this facility in the first place. Disgusting old coot.

I caught Hogly doing what the youths describe as the “Fent Lean”. I don’t know what that means but I hit him with a stick anyway. I am sick of these children and their new trends.

I must have whipped about 9 of these things to death with my belt just this morning. They weren’t bothering me but they are probably evil because I currently do not feel any remorse.

Today we celebrate Ashley’s Quinceanera. Celebrate immediately. Quickly.

Blasted creature sprayed me with the poison ink. Vile little squid. Rancid little sea slug. Naturally, I am very upset

Dillon has finally started to shed his mortal shell. As per tradition, his skin will be consumed by his younger siblings so that they, too, might grow strong and sprout ☺️.

Paul is becoming more silly each day. Yesterday he pulled out of our driveway in his Ford Taurus and didn’t even realise he had reversed over my infant son.

🚨 Hog post. Hog post. 🚨

I hate making serious posts but I’m in a bit of a pickle and it can’t hurt to ask. Please know I won’t be making a habit of posting like this, and I’ll be back to my regular content soon! Sharing this post is hugely appreciated. ko-fi.com/crabcreatures

Maurice ate two dozen oysters at the seafood buffet and threw up on the carpet. We both refuse to clean it up. It is festering.

The vile wizard turned me into a slug. I’m not hating it. I can eat as much dirt as I want without getting a bad tummy, and I can stick to more surfaces. Yet to see a downside tbh.

Jennifer has been charged with arson and destruction of government property after she set fire to a police cruiser in the parking lot of her local Pizza Hut. She is utterly remorseless because she is, in fact, a clam.

I took Gina out berry picking with me today. The little rascal ate a handful of raspberries and about 6 squirrels.

No funny crouching man this week because sick. I substitute art for picture of my dog. Her name is Bilbo and she is stupid ugly stupid idiot stupid.

Which one of you disgusting cretins told Jessica about the ocean? Now it’s all she talks about. I refuse to give her more than one bottle of Dasani per day.