Test Pilot Steve

Dear Matthew McConaughey:

I dunno why y'all can't believe the new White House Press secretary got her law license in China, hell, I completed astronaut training at the state fair.

When asked about the agreement between Russia and Ukraine to stop destroying energy infrastructure announced by President Trump on social media earlier, Ukrainian President Zelenskyy issued a statement that said- "Who dis?"

I, a mild-mannered gentleman with all the pedestrian sensibilities of a 1950s sitcom father, sincerely hope that Jack Smith manages to tear someone a new asshole today with his testimony.

General: Where's your drill sergeant, men? Private: RUBBING ONE OUT FOR PETE HEGSETH, SIR!

This is the face people are making who are telling us Mitch McConnell is fine:

The look on my face when I hear that Trump has just authorized American air carriers to resume flights to Lebanon after a 40 year hiatus:

Me: Gawd, I hope JD Vance doesn't spawn again anytime soon. JD Vance:

Tamale Lady can get it.

If you ever catch me wearing a pair of smart glasses, do me a favor:

Literally every single person's reaction to the Mitch McConnell proof of life photo:

Don't look now but new American flag about to drop. "Don't Tread On... Whatever The Fuck This Is."

The same people who are going to buy shares of SpaceX today would've bought shares of the Nazis' V2 rocket program in 1944.

Believe me, we've had flesh-eating worms in the United States long before this screwworm thing y'all are getting so worked up about...

Just heard that the surviving member of Milli Vanilli, Fav Morvan, has dropped out of the Freedom 250 musical extravaganza to take on the responsibilities of Director of National Intelligence which might sound crazy but, hey, at least it's not Pulte, right?

Great, now I'm going to be hunted because my penis also has a magical bit that wards off autism, fucking awesome...

Sure, go ahead, ask me about my diet, doc...

Does Tim think the straw is supposed to hit the back of his throat or what?

I'd bet $20 that Rocky is some kind of socialist.

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY UFO? MEDIUM SIZE, SILVER IN COLOR, ANSWERS TO BERNICE. REWARD OFFERED.

"But in all seriousness, kids, I'm serious, we all float down here, like you wouldn't believe, it's tremendous really, so much floating."

Kentucky Deluxe: Fuck that hat anyway.

Children are the future...

"And what's all this talk about ball room?!? I don't want my tax dollars to pay for bigger boxer shorts! And stop wearing those skinny hipster jeans! No wonder you're complaining about ball room! Let them breathe or they'll smell like fish guts!"

GOD DAMN YOU, AL GORE!

Just drinking my coffee when Kelly O'Donnell, reporting on Kash Patel's lawsuit response to the Atlantic piece, said that it was "for an eye popping $250 million" and now I gotta put on a different shirt...

...and, lo, he didst entreat the robber, "Tellest thou yon bitch to be cool."

After Vice President JD Vance said that the Pope should stay out of US politics, an anonymous Vatican source says that Pope Leo XIV is reportedly worried about reelection "... about this much."

So, the moron thought the blasphemous image he posted portrayed him as a WHAT?

As the certified winner (verified by PricewaterhouseCoopers) of the Find the Popes in the Pizza Contest held back in 1981 I would just like everyone to know: I'm the Pope now. Or: I'ma the Pope now. Whichever you prefer because I'm a cool progressive Holy Father. But I'm not a pussy.

Catholics hearing how the Trump administration is treating His Holiness Pope Leo XIV: "I've got my stupid fucking rope!"

So strung out from thinking about all the bad shit that has happened and can happen that I pulled up to the kitchen trash can just now and almost took a piss in it. I know what you're thinking: Sir, does it look like a toilet? Were copious amounts of drugs involved? Nope...

Kristi Noem spotted at Home Depot shopping for new ceiling lights....

Stephen Miller after Sauer got roasted at the Supreme Court today:

Them ol' boys who were bumping tail rotors with Kid Rock in their Apache helicopters oughta get themselves tested for Hep C an' that's all I'm gonna say about that...

I wouldn't recommend the photos of Kristi Noem's husband Bryon without adequate eye protection.

There's a video floating around of some old dude tanning his butthole and I'm going to need a little therapy now...

Call me a dreamer but I believe a man could park this within a block or two of Trump's gravesite and make enough of a killin' to give a couple of kids an Ivy League education.

Pulled a muscle in my butt this morning trying to teleport to Waffle House. Again...

Watching gasoline about to fuck around and be $4/gal*: *Offer not available in California.

I dunno about the rest of y'all but if Pete Hegseth ever manages to face a court for war crimes at the Hague or, hell, even in Barstow, I sure do hope that ol' boy gets invited to the Number 6 Dance...

I think it's wild that American taxpayers are footing the bill for Pete Hegseth to have his asshole bleached four times a year whether it needs it or not...

There aren't enough nukes in the world to make me forget Donald Trump participated in Epstein's child sex trafficking operation.

It's a helluva time to live in where you wake up on a Sunday morning and have to wonder what sorts of war crimes the USA (which also happens to be where your favorite home is) committed last night while you were sleeping as a distraction from the president being ass deep in the Epstein files...

I wish there was some way* that Speaker Mike Johnson could become president... *What?

Really weird how American cinema predicted all of this...

For the record I don't believe in and am vehemently against capital punishment except in the case where someone wakes me up by using a leaf blower next door before 8am. Sic semper tyrannis...

Talarico saying that Jasmine Crockett running was like an asteroid hitting his campaign: