Dan Ewen

When my kids ask where mommy is, I explain that she went up to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

Our combo plate of laughter and unconditional love is rockin' #4 on the Prime Video comedy series chart. Folks still wanna believe and whatnot. Please enjoy "Clean Slate" if y'all haven't yet.

Sure, my mother died. But now this miracle. When God closes a door...

Please support the kickstarter for my '80s-themed loom company. Hoping to have If You Weave up and running by January.

Gather 'round children and I'll tell you of a magical time, when drivers cared enough to notify other drivers of their intentions via the blinking lights mounted to their cars. (The children "ooooh" and "aaahhh")

In generously wooded Northwest Connecticut, the mighty Appalachian Trail and the dainty Pine Knob Loop flirt briefly, whispering ancient secrets only they would understand, serenaded by a gentle, mossy waterfall. What if they fucked? That shit would be craaaaaaazy!

Still pinching myself that I got to make this aspirational piece of joy with @lavernecox.bsky.social @mrgeorgewallace.bsky.social and Norman Lear. If you need to believe in unconditional love, light and laughter, "Clean Slate" is on Prime.

My mom's first birthday since she left this world. She was pretty fuckin' good at putting words together, if I do say so myself.

We played in his driveway every night, 'til it was too dark to make out the net. A hallowed venue for the sweat-soaked, exuberant work of growing up. We got to talk one last time yesterday. I told him I'd see him again someday, in the driveway. He told me he'd bring the ball. Love you, Todd. Goodbye

I love how AI is expected to cure cancer, yet it can't make two flyers that don't look the exact fucking same.

Tonight's Presidential address is so D.O.A. its sister's being named to the Senate.

Had quite a time on Hindsighting, the podcast that reopens debate about past Best Picture winners. Enjoy my hit piece on DRIVING MISS DAISY, and find out why it's all Young MC's fault. podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/h...

Had quite a time on Hindsighting, the podcast that reopens debate about past Best Picture winners. Enjoy my hit piece on DRIVING MISS DAISY, and find out why it's all Young MC's fault. podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/h...

No, YOU'RE sobbing at 'Sheep Detectives'!

It's a shame that Anna Rey Horny is doing porn. Feels like the Horny family could've changed their surname years ago and completely altered her trajectory.

You can feel the edges being rounded off every piece of art governed by the algorithm. You can feel the humanity being replaced, the surprise,the complication that is being a person, reduced to shapeless blobs by the gears and blips of late stage capitalism. Anyway, try new Berry Blast Sour Worms!

Not enough people are talking about my switch to flat bill baseball caps. It's hurtful and jarring.

250, y'all. Thinkin' about the melting pot today. Folks who came here outta hope or by force. Folks who were already here, minding their own damn business. All of us in this sometimes rocky boat, trying to make it work. I love y'all. Let's keep meltin' and whatnot.

Shame.

Look no further, FBI. The reflecting pool was stabbed to death by George... um... Tropicana.... I mean Glass... George Glass.

Freedom of the Press. Use it or lose it.

Some magical day the press will finally lose their shit.

I love how some people's algorithms are all, "Here are some charming, unlikely animal friendships," but mine is like, "Here are 715 horrific workplace accidents."

At a coffee shop/plant nursery in Eagle Rock. Hopefully more merged businesses will catch on. Laser tag/notary. Cemetery/trampoline park. Brothel/Chipotle. The possibilities are endless!

"Grandpa, how did this happen and whatnot?" "Well Bobby, a drag queen read a storybook, so the only choice was to become a racist, fascist dictatorship and let seven wockaflockas take all the money."

I think it really helped Spencer Pratt when, in the home stretch, it was announced his mayoral bid was being filmed for some reality show, AND he went on Fox News, AND Trump praised him. If I know Los Angeles at all, those things really improved his chances.

Avoid going to the dentist for several years, culminating in a torturous catch-up visit. Ask me how!

One fun thing about L.A. is that there's occasionally a lion in the neighborhood. "Careful on your stroll to Erewhon. There's a lion."

It's high-key crazy how many of us will eventually, like, pass away or whatever.

Remembering those who gave all.

My grandfather made it home, but his kidneys failed soon after from the sulfa drugs given on Guadalcanal. A wife and 3 daughters left behind. The government never acknowledged it or made it right. But nice to know people who broke into the Capitol and wiped their shit on the walls will get millions.

Dark times. Luckily, I have a... (checks notes) ...Bright Eyes concert tonight to cheer me up?

I wept for my country on January 6th. Now it's a relentless terror fog. My faith in humanity wanes by the moment and I can feel part of my heart dying every day. Anyway, have a super-fun weekend!!!

To my peeps, and my Brown and LGBTQ friends. Never forget that your light was so damn bright they handed the world to the first asshole who promised to dim it.

The < 1 minute screenwriting video that will turbocharge your career.

"Well they'd better get these gas prices down if they want my vote." - Cis, straight, White person, standing by an erased rainbow crosswalk, near an ICE prison, in an eliminated Black district.

The real TDS is these red hat wockaflockas with TRANS Derangement Syndrome. These folks ain't doin' shit to you. Let them be who they wanna be.

Lots of folks dissing Thom Yorke for his vitamin jingle, but make that money bro!!!

I swear to God, if I see ONE nerd celebrating.

I do this sex move where I constantly find myself Googling things for people who, by all accounts, also have access to Google.

I didn't believe the Bible was real 'til I saw a scripted miniseries about it now I know it's all true okay bye.

A little disconcerting that Madonna and Björk are at the same location right now, as foretold in Revelations 13:9.

No one knew what to believe once Rob Base became internationally known.

Horrible to watch so many friends and family members slip into a cult, divorced from reality and cut off from everyone they knew and loved before. But enough about youth soccer.

MUSIC WORLD SHOCKER: Oxford study reveals Queen had more time for losers than previously indicated. "Even during their time as champions, the band could've granted losers ninety minutes or so per week," asserts Dr. Reginald Phipps.

"I'm drowning." (Reaches out hand) PHIL COLLINS: ...

What's so hard to understand, y'all? You bomb Iran and then the son of God comes back. It's science.

Have you been injured at work? Injured on your way to work? Injured while looking for work? We'll fight for you!