Sam Littenberg-Weisberg

Katie ZacharSEEYA! #NailedIt

“Yeah! I only fuck female couches!”

“I enjoyed Digger.”

Exec: “We really need something with IP.” Me: “Well, hold on to your BUTTS!”

We finally know what Ben Affleck's car smells like

Remember my friend Nancy? She has cancer. You hungry?

When your mom says “Smile!” but you only got two scoops and your brother got three scoops so no you don’t feel like smiling

@robdelaney.bsky.social #KarateTeacher

Eating lettuce? This anything?

@robdelaney.bsky.social I just know you have the perfect names for these two studs

@jeremytache.bsky.social not sure if you heard but on the broadcast Tommy said “He’s the kind of guy that” I assume unrelated but kinda counts?!

I bet Hegseth also likes to quote Django Unchained.

Showing up to a kids indoor trampoline park wearing an American flag shirt but the flag is comprised of assault rifles is certainly a CHOICE

the breaking news alerts are staggered so I get to celebrate the Noem firing many times

He’s probably need a different kind of “beard”

To overcompensate, Mike Johnson says he not only hasn't seen the tweet, he's legally BLIND

Me texting my wife: “I love you.” My wife texting me:

Guess my mom is writing for the Times

Petco knows EXACTLY what it’s doing

For a guy whose last name is slang for a dick, Mike Johnson sure is a huge asshole.

This policy is older than I thought it’d be

Looper 2

"Get off my plain!" - Harrison Ford Angrily Scraping The Excess Cream Cheese Off His Bagel

Healthcare in America

*reads first part* “Oh great, so happy for the kids—“ *continues reading* “Shit…”

#NoKings

Priorities

Despite all my rage/ I will still sell you this goth smoothay

When you tell your kid to clean their room

“Hey, try this food I just made.” My daughter:

It may or may not be connected to the current state of affairs but the squirrels in my neighborhood seem extra suicidal

Church dropped a killer Trump dick joke

CDC head all

Rudy took a big shit

🫡

Look at this happy little fuck

Even when things seem the darkest, a light appears

Duckie say Fuckie ICE

I don’t know if I’m an “audiophile” but there are just certain albums that HAVE to be listened to on vinyl

Supreme Court on a hater heater this morning

Guess this weird pizza vending machine is owned by Stephen Miller

#NoKingsDay