According to Elle

I would like my sister to be my child's fairy godmother. Priest: Don't you mean godmother? Me: No, Father. As his godmother she has to also play the tooth fairy. Priest: In case something happens to you or - Me: Or not. With every tooth lost she'll give him an offer he can't refuse. Priest: 🙄

The Hello Kitty socks stay on during sex.

Apparently it is wolf awareness week. I am aware of the two wolves inside me. 🐺🐺 They both want a nap.

It's Friday. If you are reading this, take a deep breath. Another one. Relax your shoulders. Blink slowly a few times. There. Now you're ready to take on Friday. Have a fantabulous day everyone! 😸

You'd think that a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet is R, but it's actually the C.

I bought my cat a window seat that clings to the window with suction. So far she's not taking to it, and I know it will take time. That said, I'm crossing my fingers that it doesn't take a full year like she did with her cat tree. #spoiledcat

Only 15 days to go before election day. Gee whiz. Only.

On a virtual conference for work today. The opening speaker made a reference to accidentally putting a nick in the space-time continuum. I'm still giggling. 🤓

My iced coffee was delish this morning. Might fuck around and have another. Then I'll have the zoomies alongside this silly goose. Happy caturday to you from us!

In the grand scheme of things, he who has the most stuff when he dies still dies.

The meteorologist on TV just called our rain occurrence a splash and dash. It sounds dirty, yet interesting.

I'm not Gen X. I'm not a millennial. I'm a secret third thing. 😂

This is a dance-off. If you see this, post a dance.

I have a lotion for my feet. I have a lotion for my arms and legs. I have a lotion for my face. I have too many lotions.

Okay. I'm on the hunt for a new gynecologist but everyone I've called is scheduling out into 2027. Is there a shortage?

The high today was 88° and it is still warm this evening. I checked the calendar. And I refused to flip on the AC. I'm having a popsicle about it. (pomegranate)

I can't wait to retire. Politicians keep moving the goal post on retirement age so I hatched a new plan. It's amazing to think about, really. I would have to find a few more hobbies.

Done! (now I need all my selected candidates to win)😂

I am off work tomorrow and I plan to early vote. Too many people died for my right to do so.

Three day weekends are dope ☺️

I hate being a female sometimes 😭

I wrote "Greetings and salutations" On emails to my clients this morning. I know the Heathers reference was lost on them, but at least I giggled.

Big college football matchups this weekend! I can't wait. 🏈

Drumroll please. These are the 9 albums that made me, in case you were wondering.

Twizzlers so fresh they make your hands sticky ...😂

Went to the public library today for a work function and I lost my mind. All the books! The rows upon rows... of books. I was a young child again, exploring with the guidance of the Dewey Decimal System. Patronize your public library before it's too late🤓 #booknerd

When I retire I want to volunteer as a sign language interpreter. It seems like it would be a rewarding experience. I've started learning and I'm fascinated!

I went to the mall with my sister. We stopped at a cute little Mediterranean place. There were potatoes in my chicken shawarma wrap. Potatoes. That was different. Moral of the story: when you go to the mall and

As I age, my gray hair is coming in around my ears and temples. The random hairs are super curly and they look like I have lint in my hair. Getting old is actually embarrassing on some levels.* * no one warned me about this😠

How I came to Bluesky:

I used some lavender vanilla hand cream this evening. Now, I'm a firm believer in the power of aromatherapy, but insomnia is a powerful thing. I'm an hour overdue. 🫪

Have you ever smoked a strain that smelled awesome and tasted awesome too? 😌

My beautician is ill and hospitalized. We had an appointment scheduled for Friday. I feel guilty for scheduling with someone else on Saturday. 🤦🏾‍♀️ The service is necessary and time is of the essence....Otherwise I'd wait it out. I know. First world/black girl problems. I must go to confession.

I'm a patient person. To a fault. 😔

The Wizard of Oz is on television this evening. It is one of my all-time favorite movies. I've seen it SO many times but it never gets old.

Me: I went to the doctor and - Sister: Which doctor? Me: Who said anything about a witch doctor? Sister: You said oh ee oo ah-ah, ching, chang, watta watta bing bang...

💡 I finally figured it out: The reason why I can't move forward in life is because I watch reruns. (This theory is courtesy of a hybrid strain called Animal Sorbet)

Caftan season is over tonight. It was such fun being the black Mrs. Roper on my block.

So..... The meteorologist said that it will be 81° and humid tomorrow. My hair already resists styling. Can't wait to see what happens 😜

There are good people in the world. I went to the auto parts store and the clerk went above and beyond for me. My lights function and I'm a happy camper. I should write a letter.

It's Tuesday! Show me your tats. Or is it tits? 🤔

Baking brownies tonight just because. They smell great but they're taking forever. I must be craving comfort foods (already).

Crochet 🧶 and Netflix? Yes, please. 😁

My mummy is the best. She found 1/2 gallon of apple cider for a good price at the farmers market today and bought me one. It is delicious. I will try to savor it and not consume it too fast.

I'm hungry. But I have a sleeping cat 😺 on my lap. I might die of hunger because I cannot move. It was nice meeting y'all.

I buy iced coffee by the case at Costco and I drink it where I please. Who's a bad mamma-jamma now?

I may or may not be eating Twizzlers for dinner. Follow me for more life tips 🫶🏾