Count Void the Destroyer 🩸

Sometimes I just follow people because I dig their vibe

Hot flashes? How about you flash me and I’ll tell you you’re hot?

I just ate a chile relleno burrito and my only complaint is that you all weren’t there eating chile relleno burritos with me.

Nothing ruins the morning like gaining consciousness

What a cool fuckin web we weave

You like my skeets, huh? Wanna see where they come from?…

Munch wanted me to tell you he says “hello.”

Who called them inbreeders and not pumpkin

When Courtney Love said “some day you will ache like I ache” I kinda thought she was just joking. This sucks!

Bluesky has four types of users and they’re all massively undersexed

If people are talking about work around you and you’re on your break then you get a free do-over

While we’re still on the Cheesecake Factory dialogue here is the temple of the Islamic cult that I was in as a child. It was built by… the motherfucking CEO of The Cheesecake Factory.

On my lunch break I finished a book and bought a new (used) one. I’m a fuckin nerd, y’all.

Word

I want to hate-fuck whoever put Blue Man Group on the playlist at work

Listen up threes, a five is talking

If you do too much skeet shooting you’ll get scrotal recoil

More things should be take-and-bake

Pro tip: if you’ve got more than 2 bags worth of groceries then you’ve got no fucking business being in the self-checkout lines

Would you still follow me if after Halloween I changed my name to “Skeet Daddy?”

Removing my lower ribs as a prank

You should be allowed to kill ONE tech bro on Halloween. And one on Christmas. And one on Hanukkah. And one on Valentine’s Day. And one on Memorial Day. And one on St. Patrick’s Day. And one on your birthday.

The secret to having a successful nü metal band is finding four other hairy men who are as equally willing to commit to the bit as you are.

Someone burned down Hitler’s Bavarian chalet. Good.

Well my flag boy told your flag boy sitting by the fire that he fucked your flag boy’s momma but you don’t see me writing a song about it, do you?

There’s always money in the banana hammock

I hate how everything medical becomes an acronym. Yes those are big words but just because you can’t spell them or even know what they mean doesn’t mean the rest of us should be left trying to decipher your shit.

I fed people the pumpkin spice cheese yesterday. I am sorry.

What about a Hairless Potter?

I like to hand out Breathe Right strips to my friends and say “you breathe wrong, bitch.”

Not interested.

Whenever I think of something to say that will get me beat up, ridiculed or murdered I just say it on Bluesky

If you can’t decide between gas, grass or ass just take your pills in the morning and burp and you can taste all three.

I’m like Jesus. If I don’t get nailed I get cross.

Gonna be a sexy cheese monger for Halloween

Why does your bio say “21+?” You think they’re giving away booze on here? Nerd.

Please do not invite me to your band’s Halloween cover band show

I like my shoulders in their sockets. Why don’t YOU hold my horses?

The problem with Instagram ads is that when I click on the comments it shouldn’t tell them I’m interested in their product it should tell them that I simply want to watch people roast their temu trash in the fucking comments.

Went to the weed shop and got $3.82 back and homie had to count out the $.82 and now I’m imagining my college dealers counting out change like that.

They should invent a weed that doesn’t raise your blood pressure when you smoke it. Coffee too actually.

Fish oil gel caps are just adult gushers

I filled up my Hint water bottle with regular water so now it’s just insinuation water