Er-EEK! D. Spider

terminal diarrhea, sitting on a prison toilet, his long red tie tangling in the bowl

"Prosecutors say [4 days in jail] will deter others" from helping people escape from ICE. Nope! If anything, it makes me more eager to help, knowing that's all the punishment is. Four days in Utah County jail can't be too bad. I'd get a great story out of it, probably make some new friends.

If today is Day of the Dead for Pets *and* Black Cat Day, then it is extra appropriate for me to post my deceased friend Dogcat (2002-2022), who spent his last 7 years with me. See you in hell, old friend.

He wasn't criticizing the food at Cheesecake Factory. He wasn't necessarily even criticizing the decor! He was only saying the decor at Cheesecake Factory isn't suitable decor for the White House! Why are conservatives so intent on pretending not to understand things? How does this benefit them?

I haven't used AirB&B much, but why in Satan's red hell would you expect guests to clean the place before they leave? And why on Lucifer's green earth did customers ever agree to this? I think everyone in this situation is wrong.

It's so irritating that Hitler's plan to put "socialist" in the name of his party so people would think Nazis were socialists not only worked but IS STILL WORKING.

One thing I love about the new Rifftrax MST3Ks is that, for the first time ever, it actually looks like 3-dimensional beings — not just silhouettes — are occupying the theater seats. You can see the folds in Mike’s shirt, and it’s more apparent than ever that Theater Crow is black. It looks real!

Compare the president’s gaudy taste to a chain restaurant? “People love eating there! Why do you hate restaurants??”

Aside from everything else, Obama just has better writers.

Yes but '80s. We played it in the computer lab in 6th grade (1985-86). The computer lab was great. I mostly used the time to practice my typing skills. I would transcribe the lyrics to songs I knew, just to type. Loved typing. Did not anticipate typing being sole method of communication as an adult.

I’m at the grocery store and, OK, yes, smart refrigerators and such are a bad idea, but at the same time I really wish I could see inside my freezer right now.

The first movie I remember seeing in a theater was at a drive-in with my family to see E.T. in 1982 or early '83. I'd have been 8. We didn't go to the movies often (many kids; little money; no theater in our town), but still, this can't have been my first movie. But it's the first one I remember.

Trump didn't like Ramaswamy until he saw him sticking up for child rapists and their enablers. He hated the Ivy League until Cornell had a prominent fraternity gang-rape story in the news. He's not just a rapist, not just a serial rapist—he's a rape *enthusiast,* and it's why Republicans love him.

New problem: When someone says "it's been," I have to repeat it in Barenaked Ladies "One Week" voice. I was talking to a friend who's struggling emotionally. He said, "It's been—" and it took ALL MY RESTRAINT not to say it. Good thing, as the rest of the sentence was "the worst year of my life."

Controversial take: I think this should be allowed.

Thinking about how during Covid I was buying tons of books and movies from Amazon, but ordering each one separately to spread the deliveries out and give me something to look forward to every day, and how this probably was not the ideal way to live.

Thrifty insists on a phone call with me before reimbursing me for the Lyfts I needed when they failed to rent me a car. This is obviously in the hopes that I will give up. But I will not give up. I will speak to them. Neither of us will enjoy the conversation. They will wonder why they insisted.

When It happens, nobody's going to be the first to tell me because I'm online too much — I'll already know. I'll be the one informing others. So now I'm wondering: Who will I text first? I won't bother with people who are also too online. Maybe my mom? She won't have heard yet.

I like this because James Bond has always been in the service of Her Majesty before. Now that we have a His Majesty, James Bond should be a woman, for balance.

WHALEFALL from the whale's point of view is just, "Hey, there's something stuck in my throat! Wait, it's gone now." You can see why they told the story from the man's point of view instead.

CORRECTION: This guy's parents supported Trump when he was a kid. Now that he's an adult, he's realizing that was wrong.

A friend is making a film based on a true story that I’m interested in. He even had me consult on the screenplay and give notes. I have learned that he’s using Ai to help make the movie. So now instead of seeing it I have to avoid it and warn people about it.

It'll be hard to identify the specific pig who did this because he looks like every other cop. But since it's Provo, I bet you can find him at a church some Sunday morning.

If SNL has disappointed you so far this season, have you tried SNL UK? It’s consistently funny, feels scrappy and live, like a comedy troupe in a black box theater. Their Weekend Update has some amazing jokes and is inventive and hosted by two hot people. It’s streaming on the ‘Cock.

When Ron Burgundy says, "Milk was a bad choice," that was Will Ferrell giving Adam McKay a real note. It was a hot July day, McKay thought it would be funny for Ron to drink milk (true), but the milk was warm. That was real Ferrell annoyance expressed in Ron Burgundy's voice.

News events whose timing I'll always remember because they happened during Sundance: - Obama inauguration - Sully plane landing - Trump inauguration, P-hats - Deaths of Heath Ledger, Johnny Carson, Kobe Bryan

I don't know exactly how these things work, but BYU won the football game Saturday and now Mormons are the top-ranked religion?

It makes no sense that we drive on our beautiful Parkways but we park on our beautiful Driveways. That's the "Radical Left" for ya ! Effectively immediately we, including, myself, will drive on driveways and park on parkways.! THank you for your attention tothis matter! PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP

Which came first: Boston hating New York City or Boston hating the NY Yankees? The city has obviously been around longer than the team, but the fervency with which the team is hated makes me wonder if they didn't start hating the city till after they hated the tream.

I hope nothing bad happens to the cop, Hunter Foster! I hope Hunter Foster doesn’t get shot in the head while sitting on his mother’s lap!