Fern Macguffin

I want to be like one of those possibly apocryphal men who goes out for cigarettes and never comes back.

Did Dakota Johnson get a head transplant? #snl

Dear Canadians, This American will buy your delicious Maple leaf cookies as long as they are on the supermarket shelves.

Ted Cruz wrote a book about Clarence Thomas. What a perfect storm of awfulness.

This you, #wellsfargo? We still haven't seen a statement from you about whether Diego Sarabia is employed there. If you've fired him, I'd like to hear it from you, not TMZ.

Am I the only one that regularly confuses the Apple icons for photos and Google Chrome?

The Giving Tree would be a more satisfying book if the tree fell on the kid and crushed him.

My hot take: There shouldn't be any Christmas merchandise in stores until Halloween is over. Of course, Halloween stuff has been in the stores since July! Also, in case you needed yet another reason to avoid Hobby Lobby, they don't sell any Halloween decor.

Haven't you always wanted a giant garage with a house attached? This keeps popping up on my Instagram feed and I'm trying really hard not to snark on it there.

Today I learned that actual Lego flowers are easier to assemble than the various knockoffs, and they aren’t as top heavy.

Scotty knows a lot about women’s clothes for a straight man. #TCMparty

This was a really elaborate plan of Gavin Elster’s that could have gone awry so many ways. #TCMparty

Starbucks, why are you pretending it’s fall already? It’s over 100 degrees outside. Nobody’s ready for pumpkin spice, just like nobody’s looking for sweaters. Retail is getting more out of sync with reality.

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Putting cursive words on things is not an aesthetic. Or maybe it is, but it's a shitty aesthetic.

The biggest lie Republicans ever tried to sell the public is that businesses will police themselves.

”To hardly know him is to know him well.” #TCMparty

Dammit, HEB! You got rid of the balsamic ravioli?! I thought it was just my local store, but it’s actually been discontinued. There is no God. #HEB

iPhones need a parent mode. I can’t convince my dad that he’s accidentally activating the call recording button and the phone company is not spying on him. Too bad I can’t remote into his phone.

What would make YouTube suddenly start showing me ads in Dutch? I'm in the US, although I wouldn't mind being in the Netherlands.

"Squick" is totally a word. Isn't it?

Trump really has a boner for firing women, doesn't he?

Hey, is there no Daily Show on Comedy Central tonight? #thedailyshow

Bold of Gordon Ramsay to believe I would measure the internal temperature of my microwave ravioli before eating.

Is the necklace a mistake? Or is she subconsciously trying to get caught? #tcmparty

That green glow coming through Judy’s apartment window isn’t flattering to anybody. #tcmparty

There’s the line that makes every woman watching laugh out loud. The color of her hair can’t matter to her?! #tcmparty

FTD sells the Carlotta special bouquet. #tcmparty

This is the scene Bruce Willis and Madeleine Stowe watch in 12 Monkeys. #tcmparty

Was it always that easy to find a parking space in the 50s? #tcmparty

Just realizing on this rewatch that Madeline’s hairstyle echoes the spiral motif in the opening credits. #tcmparty

Midge has a great apartment! #vertigo #tcmparty

OMG, this iOS update is as bad as everyone said it was. What the hell, Tim Apple? Death to liquid glass! #apple #liquidglass

Um, does anyone else think young Orson Welles was kind of hot?

Who else was wondering if that Odyssey promo would turn out to be a sketch? #snl

Civil war cosplay with electric guitars #snl

Hey, Lee Brice! Imagine if you just wanted to feed your dog, or go to school, or raise a healthy child—but instead you were in a detention center because ICE thought you might be an immigrant in a nation where damn near all of us are descendants of immigrants. But sure, tell us how hard you have it.

It's not really a sick burn when an octogenarian says they haven't heard of a musical artist. #badbunny

I attended college in Minnesota for a year, so I feel qualified to speak on this. #fuckICE

Using the power of Canva for good. #fuckICE

Tommy Tuberville is so effin' stupid. Everything that comes out of his mouth is the dumbest thing I've heard in my life so far.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss living in a functioning democracy the most.