fesshole 🧻

Buy Fesshole book(s) www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=very+bes... Add fess b3ta.com/addfess Buy "81 Jokes For The ZX81" by @robmanuel.b3ta.com (hi!) who runs Fesshole spelk.press/gb/products/...

Grandad told me crumble was made with leftover onions and parsnips from the Sunday Roast, two things I hated. I was fucking nearly thirty when I found out the old sod lied because he didn't want to share it.

When working at a popular supermarket, I was in charge of the books. Putting out the latest releases and such. Whenever one of Nadine Dorries shitrags was released, I'd hoof the lot into the back of the store cupboard. Small, petty wins feel nice.

For years I used "four-spring dwarf technique" as the description of any class in programming. Nobody ever read the description. Until someone did through their screen reader and complained. Red faces. Had to go through the codebase and fix the description everywhere.

My soon to be wife bought me a watch eleven years ago for my birthday. didn't have the heart to tell her I lost it as it was quite sentimental. Bought an identical second hand one from EBay. She has no idea.

Went to a weight loss meeting. A motivational speaker called Carol told us to listen to our bodies. I do Carol and that's why I'm here, mine keeps telling me cake and crisps.

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess

I work at a well established cake shop in my area, for the last five years we have used real inks instead of edible ones for images on cakes, prints much better and doesnt clogg the printer like the edible ones

2007, got a lovely new Fiesta ST on finance. 2008 it was too expensive. Took advantage of the RTI GAP insurance and used a farmyard & wall that needed demolishing to repeatedly drive down one side until I could barely drive round the corner to phone & claim. Even got some change

On a school trip to Paris, I got "lost". What really happened is that I wandered off on purpose to explore the city on my own without the group of babbling idiots who came with me. With the dozens of cop cars & two helicopters, the cops found me eventually. Spoilsports.

When I was in little school my class went on a field trip. We took paper from our backpacks and wrote "HELP! KIDNAPPED!" and held them up to the windows. We even put duct tape over our mouths some times. people thought it was funny, the teachers did not.

I don't believe in astrology, not at all, but whenever I write a story I choose my characters' birthdays based on which starsign best suits their personality.

My now ex husband would piss me off so much that a once or twice a week I would move the bookmark in his book. Not by much just one or two pages forwards or backwards. Just enough to make him think wait have I missed something or im sure I've read this. He never found out

A-level General Studies in the late 80s, question required an arts review so I wrote out a review of The Fall and Michael Clarke's collaboration, however I hadn't seen it so reproduced some pretentious bollocks from the NME. Got a B and into my favoured university as a result.

I am a doctor. I wish that I could prescribe dildos to people. We could in the Victorian era. The amount of people these days getting random household objects stuck in their arses is getting ridiculous. Please, you're an adult, just get a proper and safe dildo, for fuck's sake.

Have you confessed on Fesshole yet? Go here to admit your sin: https://b3ta.com/addfess

Out walking the dog, ran into young lady just hired by my company last week, was dressed in very revealing running outfit, didn't know where to look, fortunately doggo was useful prop to save awkward conversation, have now changed dog walking time to not meet her again.

Some people's cats bring them mice. Some bring birds. Some bring leaves. Mine brings panties from the neighbourhood washing lines. Which is actually occasionally useful.

Our house got burgled in the mid '90s. They stole my video camera and a range of movies I made with my mates including "Moon Olympics". Basically teenage lads doing a moony show while a couple of us commentated in Des Lynam/Alan Hansen voices. Who says crime doesn't pay.

Divorced cuisine diary: I cut open a dozen Greggs sausage rolls and arranged them in a baking tin, then drowned them in tinned mushroom soup and instant mashed potatoes and baked the whole thing. The fess is I would eat it again even if it repels women.

The shortest driving route back to my house is via a grotty council estate so I always mark the road blocked in TomTom so I don't have to see the deprivation.

I work remotely from home and I told my colleagues I had to nip out for a family funeral. It was actually for a speed awareness course.

I don't feed the ducks bread as I know it's bad for them. But when my aunt visits and gives us a ginger cake we normally feed them about half of that. Neither of us are very fond of ginger cake and the ducks seem to love it.

I'm usually the last person to bed and get lumbered with hanging out the washing as people "forget" it's in the machine. I always use the lovely wooden hangers for my clothes and the terrible cheap plastic hangers for theirs if they have upset me. So up yours you bumholes

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess

There is a horrible story of an American pro wrestler that murdered his wife, infant son, and himself. Someone at work shares his name. Every time he rings I hum the opening few bars of his entrance music before answering.

After taking the kids swimming I quickly check the empty lockers for any left over £1 coins. I earn over £100k per annum

Watched a Documentary about Dinosaus. Two started making love. Now when me and the wife have sex from behind I cant stop thinking of the Dinosaurs. It's a tough ask, but I eventually make it.

In the UK in the 1990s BT phone boxes had a physical hack. You could put five pound coins in the slot and then stuff a bit of wire up into the phone. Out came your coins, but it didn't realise. You could chat for five quids worth. Stole 100s from BT with this.

I work in R&D. On whiteboards in empty meeting rooms I often scrawl bizarre notes about e.g. fluid mechanics equations and hamster anatomy and continental drift. I like to think someone gets baffled when they see it.

Mate was getting married abroad in Cyprus. I was so confident that he wouldn't go through with it, that I didn't bother to pack my suit. He didn't go through with it.

In Kindergarten, after my mum had explained to me how babies are made, I thought that adults propositioned each other by saying "Let's do Willy-in-Vagina". I also thought it quite unrealistic that - according to mum - the man never accidentally peed inside the woman.

I'm not gay, however, I do frequently purchase anal lube from a certain online sex toy shop and squirt it inside my arse in the mornings. Because it makes my afternoon shit later come out so much quicker, cleaner, and smoother.

Lighten your mind with a confession. Drop it in here Google form: https://b3ta.com/addfess

Company I work for has gone all in on AI slop. I've started to report everything on LinkedIn from them using the "this is AI slop" function. I hope it stops people seeing it and the company goes bust, I don't give a shit about it here anymore and want out, redundancy pay is good.

Hit the final straw with my boyfriend. Made him sit down and add it all up and he's been spending £400 a month on magic cards, every single month but can't afford" to paint his bedroom

Every morning my dog and I have a standoff on the way back home after the morning walk. He wants to go down the road where he once found a half eaten sausage roll, and I want to go down the parallel road where the mum in her dressing gown gives me a cheeky wave from her lounge.

On occasion, I like to dollop some jam on top of pizza. Dark jams like fig or cherry go well with Gorgonzola and prosciutto. Raspberry or blackberry goes well with pizza that has jalapeños or bacon. Marmalade is great with chicken or pork pizza toppings.

A teen in the 90s, I'd prowl the neighbourhood in the evening, stealing gnomes from gardens. I'd then place those gnomes doorsteps, ringing the bell and running away. If no gnome, an upside-down wheelie bin would do. Now almost 50, I'm sorry if you were one of those people.

Rolled a knobbly condom over the dressing on my dog's injured paw, covered by a taped-on sock. Forgot to remove it in time so vet saw it in front of my mortified teenage daughter, then invited all the staff in to admire my ingenuity.

As an 8 y/o boy I had an irrational & deep seated dislike of ballet dancers. I believed ballet dancing as a profession was as commonplace as bricklaying & that I'd be coerced into spending my adult working life leaping about in tight fitting black pants.

I don't share ideas with my partner any more because I'm always wrong. However, if they get the same suggestion from a mate they'll like it. I now just drop things out to their mates and wait for my ideas to get back to them. Ludicrous success rate.

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess

Aged 15, we found when you forced the return coin flap out on public phones you could pull the pound coin out, we spent weeks phoning American numbers and when answer phone came we asked if the husband was away, and was it safe to come around my American lover.

My dad always refused to buy us the Guinness book of records because he hated the politics of the McWherters. I don't know if they're still involved in it but I refuse to buy it for my grandkids for the same reason.

I was seeing a woman for a few months and all was well. She had my sisters first name which I could just about deal with but binned her off when I found out her Brother had my first name as well and I couldn't deal with it in the bedroom for some reason. Sorry about that.

Not myself but a friend once confessed that during a wank the cat walked in and he blew his load all over the cat, the cat horrified then jumped out the window and landed on his mother's head covering his mums head in his jizz.

Holidayed in Greece many years ago. Accidentally kissed a German man between the shoulder blades thinking he was my topless wife.

I often pick bits of food out from between the gaps in my teeth, sometimes I realise it was from 2/3 days ago and is still there, but I still leave it in my mouth and swallow it What else are you going do with it?

My cat's taking pills to give him his appetite back. These work so well that he confused the sound of scooping cat shit out of the litter box with putting biscuits in his bowl. Daft sod RAN across the house, so entranced that he ate his own shit before realising it wasn't dinner.