Josh Fireland

I rebuilt my website for the first time in like 20 years so it’s actually legible again, you’re welcome slash I’m sorry. fireland.com

nobody takes me serious but that’s about to change [grimly takes a shot of nummy appie juice]

ME: when i was a kid we had to grate our own cheese, we couldn’t just buy a bag of shredded cheese YOUTH: i bet it tasted better though ME: it tasted like a pack of marlboros like everything else back then!! YOUTH: well at least you had cool ranch doritos ME: now you’re just mocking me

PSA: Do NOT spend money on the webinar “How to Use Telekinesis to Explode a Head/Body” it is a SCAM I have only been able to pop half a bag of microwave popcorn (on accident) meanwhile my neighbor Chet is still intact as he escorts my wife to yet another free meal at Texas Roadhouse

I went to college in Los Angeles in 1991. You were required by law to have a copy of Blood Sugar Sex Magik. Nobody wanted it, it was just something that happened to you.

back in the day this plus a half bottle of bartles would give your paramour the nasty tingles

WAITER: how’s your meatball sub ME: well the AI picture in the menu looks like the fetid writhing undercarriage of Gor-Ga-Thys, Thousand-Eyed Penetrator of the Infinite, but this just looks like three damp brown spheres in a chunky crimson paste WAITER: i’m sorry it’s the wrong kind of horrifying

SAMWISE: It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo! The ones that really mattered! ME: Yeah like the ones I wrote! SAMWISE: I’m not talking about your gross creepy Amelie fanfic ME: It matters to me :(

ME IN THE 90s: i will never sell out EVER ME TODAY: Just to confirm, if I get this Dr Pepper tattoo on my neck, I’ll get half off my next purchase of ANY product from the Keurig Dr Pepper Incorporated family of brands?

If the drama of a scene hinges on which character has the gun* then I think you should maybe think of something else *bazookas excepted

guys check out my FREE app that uses AI to generate ska punk songs to relax/study to!! $4.99 in-app purchase if you want it to not do that

I love how 90s alt rock videos looked like this, keeping things in focus or pointing the camera at something interesting was seen as “selling out”

OCEAN’S MINUS ONE (2026): Debbie Ocean (Margot Robbie) is pregnant with Danny (a de-aged George Clooney) who masterminds an elaborate plan to escape her womb with the help of an unscrupulous doctor (a never-better Dave Franco) and CGI Bernie Mac. Already removed from Netflix.

ME: let go of the past, dear friends, there is only here, now, this present moment in which nothi— MY BROTHER: remember when you pronounced Ferris Bueller “Ferris Bweller” lol what an idiot

PSA: Chris Onstad is still doing Achewood, putting out a frankly ridiculous amount of new stuff every week, and it’s beautiful as ever. www.achewood.com

people always ask why i’m so beloved and it’s because i’ve never shared one single genuine opinion on anything ever

[shoves bra into bottle of tito’s, lights it on fire] son this is what they call a gentleman’s molotov [yeets it at cybertruck]

ads should probably change “ask your doctor” to the more plausible “ask a doctor” or maybe “ask a shitty chatbot that scraped transcripts of The Pitt”

I wasn’t allowed to talk about this until now but I wrote a script for a horror movie called THE MONSTER IS A METAPHOR, here’s a sneak peek

ME: we never talk anymore BOBA FETT: ME: you never ask me how i’m feeling BOBA FETT: ME: please bob, it’s me, open up BOBA FETT: do not call me bob

I had that blue guy when I was a kid. I don’t know where he came from, maybe I swiped him from someone at school. I didn’t know what his deal was. I think he was missing a foot. He gave me the creeps. But back then you worked with what you had.

ME: my wish is a big budget movie starring Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, John Candy, Ned Beatty, Christopher Lee, Toshiro Mifune, Robert Stack, Nancy Allen, Patti LuPone, Slim Pickens, Joe Flaherty, Michael McKean, Mickey Rourke, James Caan, Penny Marshall, and many more ONE WISH WILLOW: okayyyyyy

i’ve never been comfortable calling myself a Content Creator……until now

BREAKING: The elaborate set built in Malta for Robert Altman’s deeply weird Popeye movie was turned into a theme park that still exists today.

PLEASE back my yakstarter so i can purchase 1 yak. ROI will be bonkers: a picture of me braiding yak’s fur, a podcast of me talking to yak about my problems, a coffee mug (not yak themed), platinum tier patrons will be visited by yak late at night when yak is hungry

I guess enough time has gone by that I can finally admit I used Claude to design my website in 1999 😔

When I was a kid my family had a cookbook from the 60s with nice illustrations by a guy named Andrew Warhol

I think this might be AI. That kid’s hand looks weird.

I’m so excited to begin the next chapter of my life journey! It’s called “Chapter XXIV, in which our Hero does nothing of Merit. — Slackjaw’d scrolling. — A panoply of lukewarm Taquitos. — A pirate movie, rewatched. — Revelations in the Lavatory! — A Nap, at last, to briefly silence the Terrors.”

really firing on all cylinder today

this is the only good internet account

KEEP HONKING I’m listening to DJ Shadow’s 1996 masterpiece Endtroducing and my own desperate brain-howls as I try to unremember the awful things I’ve done in the past

Went to the gas station and while I paid five dollars a gallon they played “Fade Into You” by Mazzy Star and I can’t even begin to describe the complex tapestry of feelings I experienced in that moment

I haven’t seen Project Hail Mary but I HAVE seen every single frame as an animated gif so I guess I have seen Project Hail Mary

hmm i don’t really have anything meaningful to add to this person’s post but i still want to type words on it……oh wait i’ve got just the thing HOLY SHIT

happy fathers day