ϝɾιɠɠιɳϝɾҽɳƈԋ

*tapping fingernails repeatedly on a headstone* today we're gonna do an unboxing! it's grandma!

my favorite thing about getting dick pics is sending other men's dick pics in return. if you've ever shown me your dick, I've shown it to another man as a result.

why has nobody made breakfast charcuterie? I want sausage and cheese and I want to eat it with my hands

my kid took the perfect picture of our morning

what if I just go to bed at 7 would it even matter

I bet you could sell poison to boomers under the guise that it'll kill somebody else

so many revelations and we're not even at church

smarties are just antacids for kids

I've got friends in all the right places I know what they want and I know they don't want me stay fralexander.github.io/bluesquare/

the amount of words I read online should count toward my goodreads reading challenge

Heard an ad for a funeral home on the Seattle dance music radio station “serving the community from rave to grave”

one of my pals at work is 19 years younger than me and because we are both incredibly online, I usually don't find a lot of gaps with age. yesterday a few of us were hanging out and I mentioned a story involving the band 311. she was like "wait what's a 311?" and I have never felt more ancient.

you don't see people getting blasted with green slime like you used to

I looked really cute today but only took a picture of a really weird diner sign

Chas locked himself in the storage closet again and made a bunch of origami cranes. In other news, we are out of stock on rolling papers.

paul bunyan bouncing on it big blue oxen style

captcha grid of chodes and outie bellybuttons

sending my best friend flowers so she remembers I'm more of a man than her situationship could ever be

I think I'd lowkey love jury duty. A reason to be off work AND be nosy? Delightful

much like babies, I am cute to survive

the love of my life strikes again

what if the utility company approached me like chain emails did in the 90s "pay this bill or you'll get syphilis from Taco Bell instead of diarrhea" 100% on time rate

the best and most worthwhile reason to stay hydrated has nothing to do with your health... it's getting paid to piss at work all day long. sorry, can't make the big meeting, gotta take a big piss.

Give me four versions of you

if a dowry was still a thing, mine would be the broken karaoke machine my grandpa won on the price is right in 1989

people are cool asking you their weirdest funeral home questions until you actually tell them the answers

If you ask Jesus for a cracker he will give you one, he just carries them around

I should be allowed to rent a man for things like buying cars or carrying me up a steep hill

imagine your credit card declines at dunkin' donuts and ben affleck jumps outta the drive thru window and beats your ass

can't fight, WILL fight

podiatrists are paid to look at feet, the ultimate freaks

it sucks that you can opt out of spam texts but mail can come to your home address from any old dummy

[extremely regis philbin voice] who wants to have a full tank of gas!

oh hey

have you considered getting your shit together?

My supervisor likes to sit in my office for hours on end and talk AT me while I'm trying to work, only to criticize me when I'm behind BECAUSE OF HER. How does one tactfully say maybe if you'd stfu and leave me alone more often, I'd be caught up?

one of my stepkids swears they hate italian sausage so I just started calling it beef and now they eat it no problem, in case you wondered what kinda gaslighter I am

only sending pictures of my ass with the toilet seat imprint so you know it's real

I don't know what it says about me that I'm able to watch autopsies and retrieve dead bodies from their homes and morgues, but getting my own foot worked on at a podiatrist nearly made me pass out lmao

haters will say I'm staying with my grandma

do you think fish are ever like what the fuuuuuuck when they drop down a waterfall

#NewStrainSunday: Bride of Frankenstein’s Butthole It’s the same as Frankenstein’s Butthole but generally cleaner

yeah I liked that too when my brain wasn't fully developed

I bet your dads nutsack you couldn't say any of your bullshit to my face

my dude is listening to a podcast where a man who claims he can play bongos to anything, is playing bongos to ave maria

giving my cats tarot readings for caturday