FunkieNYFL

Asked my wife for a divorce by disavowing my vows

It's hard to find a therapist that offers a money back guarantee if you're not completely actualized

When I have problems sleeping, sometimes it helps if I count all the sleep advice videos I've watched on YouTube

When I was a kid, we only had good monkey gangs

Happy Commemoration For The Guy That Never Set Foot On The Mainland Of The Land Mass He Allegedly Discovered Day if you celebrate.

Cat Condo Caturday

Happy Caturday. Now say the secret word and you can come inside.

I'm having difficulty finding royalty-free images of King Charles and Queen Camilla

As someone who hasn't had fruit or veggies in over a decade and whose body is 60% water, 30% pasta and 10% meatballs, now this shit is getting real

And the good news is you can work at the FBI

Since they're back in fashion, I hope when AI kills me it's with a fistful of quaaludes

Check out my new channel where I strap the most annoying YouTubers to the roof of my car for my morning commute. It's called Driving Under The Influencers.

For the first time in 15 years, Zooey plooped down right next to me in bed in a position that didn't require me to dislocate my shoulder to pet her. Small joys during dark times!

Lake America is where you go to drown in debt

My friends used to make fun of me when I told them I always bring an airline food cart with me on first dates. Guess I got the last laugh

20 years ago this week, I had a personal bathroom attendant for a day. I hope he lived a long, fulfilling frog life doing what he loved most: keeping the sink clean, offering hand towels and supplying tasty mints

Finally! I'm so tired of having to use fruit roll ups when I feel like a burger but more gelatinous

Zooey says even though it's Monday, have a ball

Hey babe does the expanding universe make my ass look fat in these jeans?

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death Valley National Park

Sometimes I see something crazy and I think to myself "well NOW I've seen everything" but then I realized I've never seen a dog in a scooter walking a human on a leash

Why are all constipation medications "gentle"? I want something that'll kick the shit out of me

Some welcome gloom after all the depressing sunshine every day

Fuck these fucking fucks. How about you fuckers just stop harming children?

I keep seeing articles that young men and boys are in crisis and I'm certainly sympathetic to that but at least their parents aren't naming them Murray, Elmer or Hyman anymore

Talk about projection

This booger did a wellness check on me and woke me up this morning at 4:15am because she's not used to me sleeping over 6 hours instead of my usual 4-5

Never thought I'd see Drudge writing Dem campaign ads, but here we are

Watched the latest Mission Impossible movie last night and it is so unrealistic. Like we're supposed to believe the greatest spy in the world that has saved billions of lives through death-defying acts is addicted to Botox?

I used a semicolon in an email today so I'm pretty proud of myself

I've been sober 6 years so I don't pass out under tables anymore

Insect repellent but for the human pests that bug me

Just e-filed my taxes. I really hope the thousand bucks I owe will help a billionaire in need

Got a letter from the Pope about those Columbia House cassettes from 1982 I didn't pay for

There's a direct correlation between the times my bladder is about to explode and the times my brain forgets how to untie the drawstring on my sweatpants

There needs to be an app for where I put stuff

This is why it's critical we fund scientific research www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/202...

Nice oil you've got there. It'd be a shame if something happened to it

This cheeky princess decided to sun herself on the dining room table for the first time in years and was perturbed I woke her up to document it

Just found out I was awarded the Little Caesar's Pizza Pizza Pizza Prize

Even the not-so-early birds got some

I would like pie better if it was just filled with brownies

One of the worst things about living in Florida besides everything is I'll never be able to walk outside and see a sky as colorful as the Northern Lights unless there's inbound ICBMs heading this way. Considering I live 30 minutes from Mar-A-Lago, this is a reasonable sacrifice

If I were a billionaire, I'd avoid politics at all costs and just cruise around the coast of Italy in my yacht with a bevy of beautiful overage women

What better start to a Monday than being woken up at 2:30am to the mellifluous sound of the cat horking up her last meal in my bed

We can put a man on the moon but we can't put a woman on the moon

All you can eat worm buffet at my place. Come on over. You won't Egret it

How the mighty have fallen! Asleep

When the current inhabitant of the White House is either dead or out of office, whichever occurs first, we all deserve a Nobel Peace & Quiet Prize after what we've dealt with for over a decade

Had some thunder yesterday but no rain so that's the last time I take meteorological advice from Stevie Nicks