Middle Aged Girl Dad

Out shopping for makeup with whole family. Wife is trying new foundations. Wife: How do I look? Is it too pale? Me: I'm literally the least qualified person in this room to answer that. Wife (to Oldest): What do you think? Oldest: You look like Voldemort.

The Bunny yawned last night and it was so cute I think I might have diabetes. Or that's just the 5th Avenue bars.

A year ago I started waking up oldest by blasting "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" on Alexa. You'll never guess what my kids love to do to me on Saturday mornings now. Touche small humans.

Oldest has started taking showers instead of baths. She clocked in at about 15 minutes per shower right off the bat. I immediately melted into a puddle of Dad goo and started twitching on the floor mumbling about utility bills and not touching the thermostat.

Wife took Oldest to doctor for a persistent cough. Doctor: It's just a virus that's going around. No need to worry. Wife: Whew thank goodness. Doc: How is everything else Oldest? Oldest: Good! But there's no food in our fridge. Wife: Melts into puddle of wtf. (There's plenty of food here).

Santa built a vanity for oldest for Christmas. 6. Hours. It was like the final boss of Christmas assembly. Worth it though. It's her favorite gift.

Proudly wrapped about 10 presents last night and put them under the tree, excited to not only get a head start, but to pretty up the tree as well. I forgot I had a psychopathic Tasmanian devil 3 year old. Rookie mistake.

Middle was out sick most of the week, and for the first time ever, (predictably) bombed her end of week spelling test. She missed 4 of the days. She got Wednesday correct. How. Just how.

Children eating dinner at home: Oldest: We forgot to pray. Middle: May I please have some more milk. Youngest: Thank you! Children at a restaurant: Oldest: I HAVE A NEW POOP JOKE Middle: Crawls under table Youngest: Uses salt shaker and twisty straw to summon an eldritch horror from outside time.

Middle just told me that "Mom makes better chicken soup". It's Campbell's. It's always Campbell's. Does anyone want a free child?

3 months of practice, $500 in shoes and leotards and fees, 2 bouquets of flowers, 2 gallons of makeup and glitter, and 1 3 hour afternoon show later... and the 6 minutes of ballet onstage at the Nutcracker is complete. I don't understand this activity. Send help.

Me: Candy today is terrible. You kids don't know what you're missing. Oldest: Ok Dad. Me: Here let me see that. I'm telling you it'll be gross. Me: *Steals Nerds Gummy* Me: .... .... *sheds tear at the beauty of the depth of human ingenuity and the forward march of progress*

Kids have a snow day today. The glare that Wife gave me as I left for work this morning could have curdled milk. Perhaps the whistling was a bit much...

Reviewing Santa Wishlists: Oldest: A new vanity, a pink area rug, a canopy bed, a new puppy, and a Nintendo game Middle: A drone, a robot, a new guitar, markers, also a canopy bed, and a new bike. Youngest: A popsicle.

Middle is not happy that she has her first ever blister on her finger from practicing guitar the past couple of weeks. The betrayal was real when she realized her parents were actually stoked about it.

Bella, our Elf on the Shelf, has already received 4 barbie dresses, a custom bespoke skirt, and a cookie. She's been here two days. Let it be said that my children are not above bribery.

Oldest has had the stomach bug, and I'm giving her a bath because... reasons. Me: Listen Oldest, it's time to have The Talk. The one only your dad can have with you. Oldest (wide eyed): Oh no. What is The Talk? Me: So when you're sick like this... Never trust a fart.

Oldest has had fever and stomach pain for days. Finally feeling better. Me: I'm glad we got through this. That was a bad one. Wife: Seriously. I was worried that was going to bleed into Thanksgiving. Me: Well she hasn't needed Ibuprofen in a day so we should be good. Youngest: Dad I feel yucky.

Oldest and Youngest are playing in giant cardboard boxes we got from grandma's house. Not going to lie I'm jealous they can fit in them. Stupid adult body.

Parent Teacher conferences: Teacher: Middle is just amazing. She's the nicest, sweetest girl in class, and just a pleasure to have here. Just like her sister oldest. Your girls are a joy. I look behind her to see Youngest growling while pulling papers out of her desk. Me: Yeah just wait 3 years.

I hope that the person who designed the "hole" for Charley Horse in Operation steps on a Lego every day for a year.

The Wife calls me at work. Wife: The Oldest has been repeating what I say for 20 minutes. Oldest (in background): The Oldest has been repeating what I say for 20 minutes. Wife: Please get her to stop. Oldest (in bg): Please get her to stop. Me: Jesus Christ Oldest (in bg): Jesus Christ