Gil Blais

Trump actually said tonight that he’s the best President America has ever had. This isn’t a joke. This is the way my friend Joe talked before he was convinced he was bird and lived for two months in a pine tree.

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Trump cabinet meeting.

Anthropologists have discovered a tribe of South American monkeys with a rudimentary system of government analogous to the American congress.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

I was always taught to be more or less specific, to never, ever use repetitive redundancies or use foreign words and phrases which are not apropos. To not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

When you think the whole world is against you, remember that some of the smaller countries don’t know who you are and could go either way.

Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable. I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

If you make something "idiot proof" someone makes a better idiot.

A recent picture of Trump renaming Texas "Trumpistan"

Don't order Siamese cats on the internet. They just send you one cat, and it doesn't even have two heads.

I order the club sandwich all the time and I'm not even a member, man, I don't know how I get away with it.

If elected, Democrats should name all federal prisons, sewage plants and condom factories after Donald Trump.