it looks like you're writing a novel

don't forget to make tonight's sacrifice to the book god!

your only goal as a writer should be to give whoever directs the movie adaptation a really, really hard time (by never describing the creature)

horror writer? scare your reader from PAGE ONE by dedicating the book to their full name, home address and phone number

make your plot feel FRESH and NEW by having each character pull a WET, living fish from their pocket every chapter

love your characters

to start a book, you just gotta write! to continue the book, just keep writing! to finish the book, you gotta do a whole lotta other stuff but you'll cross that bridge when you get to it

comp titles are used for showing agents which authors you think you could beat in a fight

solve the literacy crisis by writing a book that doesn't have any metaphors or allusions or themes or concepts or ideas or even words and is actually just a picture of a tree and then a picture of a smiley face

it's okay to objectify your characters! and by that of course i mean it's okay to crush them into little cubes

uhhhh no the best way to pitch your novel is. so. uh the best.. pitch is... 120 metres long with loads of people running around on it chasing after a ball... so do that but a novel. yeah

no haha just kidding. the real best way to pitch your book is to find flat, dry ground, face away from prevailing wind, snap the poles togethe

the best way to pitch your book is to check your grip, assume a balanced stance, and as you throw, release the book when it's directly in front of your shoulder

have you considered, like, writing a book that's good?

get everyone mad at you

use an ai image as a cover if you want everyone to know you're just a godawful writer

fantasy is when there's swords, sci-fi is when there's lasers, speculative fiction is when there's speculoos

everyone's accusing everything of being ai these days, so you may as well keep those em dashes

NEVER start a sentence with 'but'! readers will think you meant BUTT and get very disappointed when the sentence isn't about your protagonist's arse!!

i don't understand why characters always smell things in books. i never smell things. and yes i may have tested positive for covid but

if you're writing horror, don't forget to explicitly spell out over and over again that the scary creature is a metaphor for the protagonist's mental state. readers will never work this out for themselves otherwise

nothing gets people like a jumpscare, so have your characters literally leap out of your book towards them

aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

even the most experienced writers forget to mention when characters go to the toilet, but make sure you do every few pages

first you need to make up a guy, and then make something bad happen to them, and then have progressively worse things happen to them until you're back at the begining again

make it weirder

another month, another chance to get some goddamn writing done

write silly books. silly people will read them (me)

fuck the first draft, start with the second draft

ignore all of your other responsibilities to write. yes, even that one. this is definitely a good idea

did you know that you don't have to write what most people write, or even what most people want to read? shocking but true

every agent will want something different, so write a new book for each one you submit to

if you don't write that first draft, how are you doing to find that hilarious typo in five months time? yeah. got you there

why write when you could WRONG instead

write something marketable. i think this means the book has to fit on a normal size market stall (can't be too heavy)

put the pen down! don't you know they have something called laptop now?

if you abandon your project for long enough it will either get much worse or much better in your absence. roll those dice

psych!!!!!

by not writing, you're only delaying the inevitable. so. write

teach yourself to type with your feet so you can write two books at once

proofreading my novel while wearing a t-shirt with "i'd rather be writing (my other novel's title)" embroidered onto it as a bit

if you've been proofreading so long it's making you angry,

have your protagonist yell "BOOBS" occasionally to check your readers are paying attention

i had a really good idea for a great writing tip but forgot to write it down. indicative of the general writing experience, i guess

that character would say that, you just have to read the sentence with their voice in your head

if the sound you make when people ask 'how's the writing going' is funny enough, you don't have to answer

jeff wants you to write the book so you should

just don’t think too hard about it. or at all . just stop thinking .

actually it's not just repeating words. if you repeat a letter twice it's already over

find whoever wrote the 'curtains were fucking blue' post and force them through all 7 volumes of marcel proust's 'in search of lost time' and james joyce's bibliography until they're nothing more than a gibbering wreck