How to be (+)(-) 40

We bought dragon seats but I'm even more excited now that I've received the section dress code!

We'll have to change the term snowflake to something like golf-ball sized hail.

Me taking a chair for my husband who is meeting us there, isn't nice, it's just not rude. Remind me.

Learn the fine art of scheduling an ADHD family making sure everyone is stimulated enough but not overstimulated because look out either way.

How to spread ashes: Know thy wind direction. Play emotional music on your phone. Crack jokes. Don't hire someone to cry, DIY that shit. No old yogurt containers. Give everyone the chance to spread a little and see exactly what they're made of. Pretend not to be judgemental. Don't wait 5 years.

Me and my seven year old. Iykyk

Not playing with a full deck.

Switching banks immediately.

Choosing where to sit at the soccer game: far enough away that you don't offend someone's mom when you wonder just what the fuck that kid is doing. And with people who don't mind cracks about doing mushrooms alone in the woods.

Can’t sleep? The DOs and DONTs of texting in the night: No friends with more important jobs/jobs. No boomers unless you were maimed in an accident. No clients, psycho. No soccer moms or team threads. Do appointment confirmations! Do crazy people who are going to Vegas to see Backstreet Boys.

First things first, scroll WAY down to find your birthday. In a hurry? Lie.