Ian Power

In the 1990s, Jason Orange nearly joined Pulp after being badly beaten up by the other members of Take That.

I don't think you can beat that first morning stretch and satisfying fart of the day. Sadly, the people on this train don't agree.

You know that tale about St. Patrick driving all the snakes from Ireland? Complete bollocks, he never even passed his test.

German sausage puns are the wurst, aren't they?

Daily sex can lead to dyslexia.

I always think it's a great shame Wall's Magnums don't have chocolate moustaches.

Although he had a life on Mars, David Bowie remained remarkably slim, didn't he?

Seize the day? I feel more like seizing someone’s throat.

WHAT DO WE WANT? MORE GAG MASHUPS! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM? KNOCK, KNOCK!

The first rule of Cliffhanger Club is...

I replied "that's cool" when a man told me he's a refrigeration engineer. He didn't find it as funny as I did.

"I hope my diarrhoea's finally stopped!" - Me, every time I get into a crowded jacuzzi.

The average witch thinks about hex every seven seconds.

I'm - I remember when celebrities had to have a talent - years old.

Kid Rock is the arch-nemesis of The Scissor Sisters.

One day, I hope to spend more time watching something new on Netflix than I spend on looking for something new to watch on Netflix.

“Ouch! This is bollock’s. I shouldn’t have let’s you touch me.” “Darling, that’s grammatically incorrect.” Midwife: “Sir, your wife’s contractions have just started.”

FYI. If you're holding an opened umbrella it's your job to make sure it avoids other pedestrians. Not the other way around. Don't be a dick.

The age when your kids can be left home alone so you can go out for an evening coincides with the age when you're always too tired to want to.

My Doctor told me to eat less meat so I had a vegan lunch. And to make it as healthy as possible I declined the salt and just had vinegar on them.

I've fallen for a woman who's into coke. I think it's the real thing.

Someone tried to tell me a joke about Bobby Fischer. I said, "not that old chess nut.”

Have you noticed how idiots always seem to have opinions opposite to your own?

Video's just been given parole. Radio Star's family are said to be livid.

Who called it a tide timetable and not current news?

The best cocaine puns tend to be one-liners.

I'm - my mum used to give me 2p for a phone call in case of emergencies when I went out - years old.

The first recorded use of fake tan was in 1673 by William of Orange.

"Kanye west" - A lisping Scotsman telling someone to take a break.

I’m now at an age where my new passport photo looks like he is the father of my last passport photo.

A packet of crisps put my girlfriend in a coma. They were Smiths.

*yawns and stretches* Mmm... that was a lovely sleep. What should I do now? I know, I'll have another one. - cats

A Scottish barstool for men wearing kilts.

As a student I worked part time in a sex dungeon. I was strapped for cash at the time.

I’m now at an age where my new passport photo looks like he is the father of my last passport photo.

These days Sheena is branch secretary of her local W.I.

I once caught Jay Z staring at me and asked if he had a problem. That was a fucking mistake.

Relationships come and go but beer is forever.

Young people, do you ever feel so tired that the simplest of things seem too much effort? That’s what middle-age feels like. You’re welcome.

One of my silly friends reckons I should buy a thesaurus. What a silly idea! Why would I want a silly thesaurus?

Hunting, but with the dogs ripping to pieces anyone wearing a riding hat and red coat.

Only idiots make generalisations.

Someone gave me a book about anger management. I lost it.

I'm - it's now a long sigh before I get to my year of birth in drop-down menus - years old.

Mo has broken. r n i n g

My drama about The Red Arrows has been commissioned by ITV3. We hope to start filming a pilot in November.

WHAT DO WE WANT? SAFER OVERHEAD LETTER FIXINGS! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM? OW!

Sadly, I found the definitive way to decide whether you want children or not is to have some.

My wife keeps saying I look better without glasses. It wouldn’t bother me but she’s the one who wears them.

When you’ve loaded the dishwasher to your wife’s liking.