The Journal of Immaterial Science

Volume 5 is here everyone! The PDF will be online soon, but the hardcopies are on the Etsy store for everyone who wants one. It’s 96 pages of high-impact, high-novelty, beer-reviewed bullshit, and 70% of the articles were written by you.

Spun-Polaroid DFT Study of a Tungsten-Osmium Nanorod Exhibiting Exceptional Rigidity PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/wungste...

We went on a quest to find the world’s most expensive electrons, and we found some that are worth $43 quadrillion per mole. Of all the papers we’ve written for J. Immat. Sci., this might be our favourite. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/electro...

A paper examining the effect of gopnik squatting a sunflower seed consumption on chemical synthesis. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/gopniks

A Bristol stool chart for 3D printers. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/shittin...

An article examining the probability of spontaneous human flight, either through a person being born lighter than air, or air suddenly becoming denser than people. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/humanfl...

An article examining under what conditions you could do NMR spectroscopy on a human. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/humannmr

The Pizza Tray Is Too Small and Nobody Planned for This PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/pizza

On the merits of analysing chemicals by tasting them. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/tasteth...

Isocyclotoe-Brosylate: A Chemical Reason to Kiss Your Homies Goodnight I think it’s fair to say that we’ve never received a manuscript quite like this before. Read on at your peril. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/kissthe...

The Impact of Psychotherapy on the Stability of Perovskite Solar Cells PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/tinther...

We’re proud to announce the launch of the smallest NMR ever invented: the 1 MHz spectrometer. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/pocketnmr

Hey everyone, the PDF of J. Immat. Sci. Volume 5 is now up on our website, and you can download it for free. Here’s the link: www.immaterialscience.org/volumes/volu...

A Critical Update to Laboratory Hazard Signage PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/s/Gravity.pdf

For those of you who miss pipetting by mouth, we offer you the opportunity to Schlenk by nose. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/s/The-Nose-S...

J. Immat. Sci. Just turned 5. Thanks for sticking with us through half a decade of scientific bullshit folks! One of our repeat authors wrote us this charming paper to mark the occasion. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/futyl

After a great deal of study and analysis, we have come to the unanimous conclusion that bacteriophages are probably from Mars. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/phages

This paper discloses a novel treatment for people with blood clotting disorders: connect the patient to a fusion reactor and infuse ionic plasma directly into their circulatory system. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/s/Plasma-GS3...

Principia Sociodynamica: The Three Laws of Conservation of Blame PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/s/Principia-...

The 1850 Baseline is Scientifically Settled Forever: Deficit Spending is the Only Force Capable of Cooling the Planet PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/1850cli...

A beer-reviewer’s report on last week’s paper (which was concerned with the quantum underpinnings of the “Fuck Around - Find Out” relationship. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/s/Fuck-Aroun...

Modelling the “Fuck Around – Find Out” Relationship in a Quantum Context PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/fuckaro...

Repeatedly Asking Chatbots “Does She Like Me Back?” Gives Them Generalized Anxiety Disorders PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/s/Chatbots-G...

The Bibliographic Event Horizon: A Study on the Gravitational Pull of [1] PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/citations

Synthesis, Properties, and Future Prospects for Stayawake Juice PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/stayawa...

A Quantitative Study on Dice Roll Performance after the Implementation of Corporal Dice Punishments PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/dicejail

Asking subject organisms in biological studies if they consent to take part in experiments can reduce selection bias. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/plantco...

Bananas Have Peyronie’s Disease: Definitive Clinical Evidence That Nature Is Trolling Us PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/penisba...

Quantitative Evidence for the “Shit In, Shit Out” Hypothesis in Large Language Models PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/s/SISO-GS2.pdf

The Total Synthesis of (+)-stupidity and the Consequences Thereof PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/s/Stupidity....

Fronds with benefits: how the 5G network gives plants wood. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2026/frondsw...

This week’s paper investigates a new family structure in response to declining birth rates, with IPA as a defining feature. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2025/ipa

On the merits of pickling cucumbers with titanium tetrachloride. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/s/Pickles.pdf

“anti-YAPPERS”: A Novel Conversational Framework for Detecting Nonsense PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2025/yappers

And finally, entry 9: fur-lined lab gloves. Because four of the entries were from us, everyone who submitted an ad wins a hardcopy! Our thanks to the submitters, Volume 5 will be on sale soon.

Entry 8: A new line of Black 6 lab mice. Entries have now closed for our ad competition.

Making Dinosaur Juice from Simple Saccharides: Total Synthesis of 𝜶-D-tolupyranose PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2025/sugar

Entry 7: photochemistry in the blink of an eye.

Entry 6: a new use for used chromatography silica.

Entry 5: An essential tool for the laboratory ornithologist.

How Big Can The Periodic Table Get Before Students Call Bullshit? PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/s/Longest-Pe...

Entry 4: The Wine Schlenk. We need some more entries in the ad-competition folks, 75% of the ads so far were made by the editor. New deadline for submissions is the 10th of January. Here are the guidelines: www.reddit.com/r/Immaterial...

Those Fuckers Were Making It Up This Whole Time: An Exposé of “Electrochemistry" PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2025/electro...

Entry 3: A dating app for chemists

Solving the Riemann Hypothesis via My Spam Folder PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2025/riemann

Entry 2 in the ad competition: the annual SciHub plug.

Here’s the first entry in our spoof-ad competition: The McSolvent Fountain.

A paper on the best strategies to deal with malign spirits in a molecular biology setting. PDF: www.immaterialscience.org/2025/pcr-dem...