Cuz'n Jamie

I'd love to sing you the Dictionary but I don't know all the words.

I'd love to sing you the Dictionary but I don't know all the words.

Combine a song title with Halloween. I smell sex and candy corn.

Cat: Sir, I see you're walking. I must eat. Sir: I fed you an hour ago. C: I'm a cat. What's an hour? S: Check your bowl. C: What's a bowl? I'm missing kibbles! S: There's food in it! C: Old food. S: It's an hour old! C: Again with the hours! S: It's half full! C: HALF EMPTY, YOU MONSTER!

Add "Between My Legs" to a movie title. Freddy got Fingered Between My Legs

Name two films that share the same plot. Star Wars: A New Hope and Eragon. And... Star Wars: A New Hope and Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Home finally! Can't wait to get out of this human suit.

How about if they've ever transported people doing the same in Star Trek? "Emergency transport! Aww shit. Dude. I'm so sorry."

😞

Pee Wee's Big Adventure between my legs

Cat: Sir, I see you're walking. I must eat. Sir: I fed you an hour ago. C: I'm a cat. What's an hour? S: Check your bowl. C: What's a bowl? I'm missing kibbles! S: There's food in it! C: Old food. S: It's an hour old! C: Again with the hours! S: It's half full! C: HALF EMPTY, YOU MONSTER!

My problem is that when it comes to choosing between sex and doughnuts, I always pick the doughnuts first. Then it's always... Wait, what was the first choice again? Zzzzz...

How many times have YOU been texted to fucking vote or that they haven't recorded your vote at your address yet? I've had 5 today. I voted last week. Quit fucking texting me! (this is a bitch to the Universal YOU. Not YOU specifically. I love you all.) I complain to the universe regularly, BTW.

Excuse me while I whip this out ... Of the fridge.

Combine a song title with Halloween. I smell sex and candy corn.

My problem is that when it comes to choosing between sex and doughnuts, I always pick the doughnuts first. Then it's always... Wait, what was the first choice again? Zzzzz...

Fly fishing at Marion Lake, Oregon today.

That certain amount of relief when you finally drop the kids off at the pool and the Eagle has landed.

An adult human with male sex organs who treats people with respect, whether they offer it in return, honors everyone, especially women, supports their partner, raises children to be the same, and calls people out for being shitheads IS CALLED A MAN, BTW. Those who do not, are not.

An adult human with male sex organs who treats people with respect, whether they offer it in return, honors everyone, especially women, supports their partner, raises children to be the same, and calls people out for being shitheads IS CALLED A MAN, BTW. Those who do not, are not.

That certain amount of relief when you finally drop the kids off at the pool and the Eagle has landed.

Nom de Plume? How did you know I named my pen?

How to watch Rocky 1 thru 5 in the correct order and other fun things you can do with the fingers on one hand.

Jokes that go over your head because you're really short and short people got no reason.

I caught my crock pot lying to me. I think it's full of shit.

Had habaneros on my tacos last night. Suddenly today my butthole is a real asshole.

I caught my crock pot lying to me. I think it's full of shit.

“Waiter, what's this girl doing in my soup?” “The breaststroke, sir. Obviously. And extra points for bringing up an obscure 70s British Sex Comedy.”

"“That weawwy was an awfuwwy good weg of wamb!”" Original Fat Elmer Fudd, ya'll.

Was sending smoke signals the other day. Got a reply from Liberty Biberty wanting to save me money on my car insurance.

Not even Bob Villa could fix me

Was sending smoke signals the other day. Got a reply from Liberty Biberty wanting to save me money on my car insurance.

Not even Bob Villa could fix me

"“That weawwy was an awfuwwy good weg of wamb!”" Original Fat Elmer Fudd, ya'll.

One of those 80's ear worms that entered your brain 40 years but you have no clue where it came from. Now you know. Yo slick. Blow. Cross that one of your list.

Jizz in my pants in my pants