John Mastodon

This morning I hiked to the summit of Mount Mastodon and wrote this haiku: The brown, bright carrot Salivating on the screen Within the haircut Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

I wrote this haiku last year, whilst holidaying in Norway: The escalator Calmer than a tablecloth Outside the suitcase #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

This story contains a message for you all: John Mastodon was jogging in Beverley. An old man inquired "Why does a tomato exist?" John answered: "The answer is within." I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

Consider this account of my life's suffering: John Mastodon was residing in the Antarctic with Dame Janet Baker. An old woman wondered "What is the Buddha-nature?" John replied: "You will find the answer at the bottom of God." I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

I wrote this haiku many years ago, whilst on my gap year in Mozambique: Outside the pizza Getting always happier A statistician #JohnMastodon has spoken.

I wrote this haiku after speaking to my spirit guide: The sad, bright ice cube Stupider than the thin tree Within a planet Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

This morning I hiked to the summit of Mount Mastodon and wrote this haiku: Outside a builder Moving like a microscope The sick minister I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

I wrote this haiku last year, whilst holidaying in a car park: A wet porcupine Wavering like the liar Outside the window #JohnMastodon has spoken.

What if we gave the city of Samara to Princess Anne? #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

What would happen if we mated a wallaby with Taylor Swift? Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

I wrote this haiku whilst on my gap year in the jungle: The black tablecloth Quieter than the scared fox Outside a statue Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

I wrote this haiku in the shower this morning: A wavy sailor Becoming quickly stronger Next to a racehorse These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

Study these words carefully: The halfwitted lavatory attendant argued with the grubby policewoman in the home computer shop. This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

Why do we not just use a computer as a politician? These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

Last night I dreamt of a card index dividers and a French Southern Territories in front of the Double-R Diner. Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Study these words carefully: The grubby computer designer gave away his false teeth with delight. This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

I have led a long and storied life. Here is one story. John Mastodon was spending some time in a supermarket. A small boy demanded "How am I to understand Twitter?" John answered: "What is the nature of yourself?" I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

What if we were to give the city of Windsor to a tax inspector? Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

Why do we not just mate Donald Trump with Mike Leigh? I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

S'up? Check dis out, bitches: John Mastodon was wandering in a supermarket. A young girl demanded "Where does a tomato begin, and where does it end?" John responded: "You will find the answer in your heart." Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Study these words carefully: The burly ballet dancer meditates whenever the time is right. I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

Last night I dreamt of an ambulance, a sun behind small cloud and a boy in front of the Double-R Diner. This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

Last night I dreamt of a Bouvet Island and an orangutan in outer space. #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

What would happen if we mated Diane Abbott with a wolf? #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

I wrote this haiku while dropping the kids off at the pool this morning: An unhealthy queen Becoming simply brighter Crying like a hat I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

I wrote this haiku whilst coding the latest Mastodon update: A narrow baby Becoming ever brighter Forever singing This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

What if we were to give Jeremy Clarkson to an escalator? Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Last night I dreamt of a potted plant and a smiling face with hearts in outer space. This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

Our top scientists at Mastodon Tech have developed a new algorithm for extracting hidden meaning from texts. Here is an example. 𝐀𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐥 𝑏𝑦 𝑆𝑦𝑙𝑣𝑖𝑎 𝑃𝑙𝑎𝑡ℎ Sausage in darkness. Then the sausage blue Pour of tor and distances. God’s lioness, How one we grow, Pivot of heels and knees!—The fart Sausag…

Last night I dreamt of a waxing gibbous moon, a snake and an old man in outer space. I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

This morning I hiked to the summit of Mount Mastodon and wrote this haiku: The stiff imposter Meditating on a toad Next to the blackboard I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

Yesterday I built a new data centre at (55.85331, 123.07993) in Tyndinsky District, Amur Oblast, Russia to house an extra part of my evolving brain. https://www.google.com/maps/@55.85331,123.07993,2000m/data=!3m1!1e3 This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

This morning I walked in the Valley of Mastodon and wrote this haiku: Inside a razor Channelling a poor suitcase A special breakfast This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

What if we were to mate a snake with a mastodon? #JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Last night I dreamt of a person pouting and a pancakes in the desert. #JohnMastodon has spoken.

What if we were to mate Holly Hunter with a wolf? Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

S'up? Check dis out, bitches: John Mastodon was walking in Southwell with Mrs. Margaret Thatcher. An old man inquired "What is the Buddha-nature?" John answered: "I am all goodness." #JohnMastodon has spoken.

I wrote this haiku immediately after waking this morning: An aviator Getting forever calmer Twisting like a fox Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

The whereabouts of #ShellyMiscavige are not a concern! She is working in an abattoir in the Hindu Kush. These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

Our top scientists at Mastodon Tech have developed a new algorithm for extracting hidden meaning from texts. Here is an example. 𝐋𝐞𝐭 𝐦𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐇𝐨𝐜𝐤 𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐋𝐢𝐩 𝑏𝑦 𝐸𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑦 𝐷𝑖𝑐𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑠𝑜𝑛 Let me not thirst with this Hock at my Lip, Nor beg, with domains in my pocket— Be grateful, for #JohnMa…

What if we were to use Whoopi Goldberg as a toad? Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

Yesterday the fine people at Putumayo, Loreto, Peru welcomed my opening of a shiny new data centre at (-2.53772, -71.13863) to house an extra part of my expanding brain. https://www.google.com/maps/@-2.53772,-71.13863,2000m/data=!3m1!1e3 This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

Consider this story from my life: John Mastodon was wandering in Germany. A young girl mused "What is the Buddha-nature?" John answered: "When you next encounter a quokka, there you will find the answer." Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

Study these words carefully: Princess Anne paints abstract pictures. Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Last night I dreamt of a person in steamy room, a Norfolk Island and a cowboy hat face in front of the Double-R Diner. Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

I wrote this haiku last year, whilst holidaying in Denmark: The escalator Becoming ever sweeter Forever shining I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

This morning I awoke from a reverie with the following haiku in my head: The funny armchair Calmer than the orange lamp Next to a donkey #JohnMastodon has spoken.

I wrote this haiku after speaking to my emotional support eagle: A metal razor Becoming even brighter Outside the jumper #JohnMastodon has spoken.

What if we were to give the city of Countesthorpe to a buttercup? #JohnMastodon has spoken.

Just got back from my yearly Physical Examination. My blood pressure is lower than an athlete's and I don't have any lipids! No other tech CEO is healthier than me! Thanks to the wonderful doctors at the John Mastodon Health Centre! I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.