JohnnyDcm

Will.I.Am is a distant relative of Henry the 8th I.Am.I.Am #humour #humoursky

I could tell you, but then I'd have a word with your mum. Then she could k*ll you. #humour #humoursky

I'm not mysterious. Or am I....? #humour #humoursky

Gordon is a moron. #JustSaying

There's a strange reason why I'm unable to reach the button on the car park ticket machine from my car and I can't quite put my finger on it. #humour #humoursky

Who knows how to operate a glove puppet? Hands up. #humour #humoursky

Free to interested party: Incomplete marionette. No strings attached. #humour #humoursky

What do you mean that zebra's a grey area? It's there in black and black and white. #humour #humoursky

My boss says I'm a comedian! His actual words were "You're f****** funny in the head", but it's the same thing, right? #humour #humoursky

I was like "AAAAAAA!" and she was like "EEEEEEE!". Worst game of Scrabble ever.

#ASongOrMovieForOrganising Be Good to Your Shelf - Frankie Miller

Pachyderm: Acne relief cream for elephants. #humour #humoursky

I'm saving up for a rainy day. To buy an umbrella. #humour #humoursky

I'm a magician! I can make wine disappear. #humour #humoursky

@michaelmcauleypoet.bsky.social Hi Michael, I keep getting notifications that you followed me. I must have had four now!

Ramekin: the Egyptian god of baking. #humour #humoursky

@dennfett.bsky.social Saw your post on Threads via Instagram, but don't have Threads. We played a music festival in Blackpool a few years ago in a bar and the audience consisted of the three other bands who were playing there 😂😂😂

I put the skin of a posh cheese on a roundabout and watched it go rind and rind. #humour #humoursky

My band is playing at The Farmer's Arms in Blackpool, 30th October. Get yer bum down for a spooky night's entertainment. Boo!

I was going to enter a paid mystery competition to find out how heavy a couple of stags were, but I found out it was weigh two deer. #humour #humoursky

When a steam train performs well, it must be really chuffed. #humour #humoursky

Jobs where it's inappropriate to "Whistle While you Work": Pallbearer Funeral home manager Vicar Teacher Telephone sales Cinema Usher Librarian Burglar 999 operator #humour #humoursky

Chaka Khan sang "I'm Every Woman", but I don't ever remember her being my wife. #humour #humoursky

@derbyshireuk.bsky.social I was born in Chesterfield 😁

Scrabble: It's all fun and games until somebody loses an i. #humour #humoursky

Everything reminds me of her...

Sweet Cheams are made of This, Who Argyle to Diss Tiree.

@davegorman.bsky.social Ever since you did the piece on swapping one part of a jigsaw into another, I'm always on the lookout for which Gibsons jigsaws I can do that with. Saw a couple today that would be perfect. Wished I'd taken pics.

You'd have thought that pyjama manufacturers would make them more stylish for when women go to the shops in them. #humour #humoursky

Is it weird that I want earrings in all three ears? #humour #humoursky

I was brushing my teeth and trying to think when they'd become this hairy. #humour #humoursky

Stamp collectors: Philately will get you nowhere. #humour #humoursky

My mate's as annoyingly chirpy as a smoke detector with a low battery. #humour #humoursky

My mate said he's a footman. I told him I didn't want to know about his fetish #humour #humoursky

I love a challenge. It's just they love me more. #humour #humoursky

#ASongOrMovieForThingsInBags Give Peas a Chance

I laughed so much at my friend learning French, a little bit of oui came out. #humour #humoursky

Not wanting to blow my own trumpet, but I can afford to hire someone to do that. #humour #humoursky

Honk.

I once dated a supermodel. I said she was about thirty five. #humour #humoursky

Mascara. Making your eyelashes look longer for no reason whatsoever. #humour #humoursky

I think some game apps are actually battle plans by aliens and are using humans to solve their war for them.

Don't know about you, but I'm going to Wang Chung tonight. Do not disturb.

Flamingos. Flamingreturns.

I'm going to start a social media platform and the only people allowed on it is me.

I wonder if Aiken drum has stopped Aiken yet? I think some Deep Heat ointment would help. #humour #humoursky

I managed to swap a root vegetable for some novels. That was a turnip for the books! #humour #humoursky

My wife asked me to run round with the vacuum cleaner, which makes the 400m hurdles a bit of a challenge. #humour #humoursky

You can't make me type the word "Boondoggle". Go on. I dare you.

You never see me and Brian May in the same room at the same time, do you... #humour #humoursky

No one uses the word Zoinks anymore. This has to change people.