Jon Reed

You’ve probably heard that BBCis trying to renege on its promise to build a studio for #TheArchers at our new home in Birmingham. The decision is entirely a financial one, but makes no sense over a five or ten year period. Do please sign this petition www.change.org/p/keep-the-a...

Thank you, #TheArchers tweetalongers. I’m off to give New Josh a hand in the orangery. See you next week!

Miss Babs: “Bored with Patagonia? Or did Patagonia get bored with you?” Mr Josh: “You always did ask a good question, Mother. But I’m afraid I’ve been recast – so I’ve come home to help run #AmbridgeAntiques.” Mrs Overall: “Oh, I am pleased!” #TheArchers

Vince: “The script consultant just came round and gave me the facts. Elizabeth. It’s bad. It’s really bad. It’s maybe the worst news I could have got.” Elizabeth: “You’re being written out of #TheArchers?”

Pip: “You look different.” 👀 Josh: “Yeah, about that…” 😬 #TheArchers

Josh: “I can’t get over Harrison and Lily.” Pip: “You didn’t listen to #TheArchers while you were away, then?” Josh: “Of course not. NEVER listen to The Archers, Pip! We already got stuck in a time loop this week – we don’t want to get trapped in a metafiction paradox feedback loop too!” 😱

Vince: “Have a break – have a KitKat. (Other chocolate biscuits are available.)” #TheArchers

Elizabeth: “This is Friday’s episode, isn’t it?” Vince: “It’s been a very disorientating week. I’m hoping to see The Doctor later. So he can get us out of this time loop.” #TheArchers #DoctorWho

Pip: “What are you doing now?” Josh: “Recording an episode of #TheArchers. You?”

Josh: “Vince seems amazing.” Elizabeth: “I’m not sure it’s real.” Pip: “Let’s not pull at that thread, Elizabeth.” 😬 #TheArchers

Vince: “Where are you going on your honeymoon?” Pip: “Iceland. We’re going to gorge ourselves on prawn rings and Arctic rolls.” #TheArchers

Vince: “I still can’t believe you and Stella had to leave your own wedding to shift a fallen tree with a massive tractor.” Pip: “Are you kidding? That’s the dream lesbian wedding!” 🌳🚜 #TheArchers

Elizabeth: “Lily, I am NOT catastrophising. This IS a catastrophe!” Lily: “Yes. It is. But we’d better read it out anyway.” #TheArchers

Elizabeth: “This place is cursed. Nothing good happens here, nothing thrives, we’ve worked unbelievably hard and now it’s all in ruins. We’re supposed to have Halloween next week!” Lily: “Perfect!” #TheArchers #TheAddamsFamily #ThePargetterFamily

Elizabeth: “It’s endless – the jargon, the words – I can’t keep hold of it. I’m trying to write everything down, but I feel like I’m just not getting it all. It’s awful.” Joy: “Aye, Pet. These scripts are so hard.” #TheArchers

Lily: “Fine, I’ll handle everything here, again, while you have another mental breakdown, and I’ll run this place perfectly until you sack me and hand it over to The Freddie Pargetter Clown Car Experience.” 🤡 #TheArchers

Zainab: “I think I might have found Ena Sharples. But I can’t actually reach her and I think she’s stuck. On the roof of this house in the next road.” #TheArchers #CoronationStreet

Lily: “It’s been four days.” Elizabeth: “What? It can’t be…” Lily: “Yes. The wedding took three days for some reason. We got stuck in a time loop, so no one knows what day it is anymore.” #TheArchers

Lily: “Are you in the office today, Mum? The loss adjuster’s coming in, so…” Elizabeth: “You deal with them, Lily. You’re more than capable of running this place, even though your useless brother will inherit everything due to archaic and unjust patriarchal primogeniture.” #TheArchers

Chelsea: “Why can’t someone just tell us what’s going on?” Ben: “It’s a contemporary drama in a rural setting. But that’s not important right now.” #TheArchers

Keira: “This is gonna take us *forever*.” Eddie: “No it won’t. There’s only 25 minutes to go now.” #TheArchers

Eddie: “When are they going to name that baby?” Keira: “Maybe they’ll name him after the storm. Austin Grundy?” Eddie: “Oh, BEHAVE!” #TheArchers #AustinPowers

Chelsea: “Oof, this is a right mess, innit?” Josh: “Don’t worry, Chelsea. I know a good script editor.” #TheArchers

Keira: “We had a near-death experience.” Eddie: “You were nearly written out?” #TheArchers

Eddie: “It’s a tragedy and a travesty.” Keira: “I know, Grandpa. But we’d better read it out anyway.” #TheArchers

Ben: “I thought you’d come back a changed man?” Josh: “Ah. You noticed, then?” #TheArchers

Ben: “Message from Joy. Apparently her cat is missing. She’s made a cat chat group.” #TheArchers #AreYouBeingFarmed

Josh: “Chelsea was brilliant yesterday. She did really well.” Ben: “Yes, well I guess we’re all re-auditioning for our parts.” #TheArchers

Josh: “Wow. This is bad.” Ben: “Yeah. But we’d better read it out anyway.” #TheArchers

Papa Lazarou: “You’re my wife now!” Liz Truss: “I KNOW!” #TheArchers #LeagueOfGentlemen #DeadRingers

Harrison: “That’s one hell of a big chimney.” Zainab: “Straight through the glass roof into the buffet.” Harrison: “That's the end of Mrs O's delicious wedding macaroons!” Mrs Overall: “Well, sometimes that’s God’s way of telling you to think on and look sharp!” #TheArchers #AmbridgeAntiques

Zainab: “The cedar tree! It’s fallen on Larkfield Manor!” #TheArchers #TheCedarTree

Elizabeth: “I don’t know if I can go through this again – honestly I don’t.” David: “I know, Elizabeth. But this omnibus will be over soon enough. We just need to get through it together.” #TheArchers

David: “Elizabeth, I’ve got some bad news. Vince has been in an accident. I didn’t push him!” #TheArchers #LeagueOfGentlemen

Chelsea: “Vince? Vince? Is he…?” Josh: “Yes. I’m afraid he’s overacting.” #TheArchers

Chelsea: “Vince, don’t close your eyes! You won’t be able to read the script!” #TheArchers

Ben: “That’s weird – I’ve got three missed calls from Josh.” Ruth: “Who?” #TheArchers

Chelsea: “There are more trees in the road? But how is the ambulance gonna get past? If only we knew a family of tree surgeons and a couple of lesbians with a massive tractor!” #TheArchers 🌳🪚🪵🚜🚑

Josh: “I thought I’d give it a whirl with a girl with a curl called Pearl.” Vince: “I’m gonna hurl!” #TheArchers

Chelsea: “Josh, give Vince all your clothes – we need to keep him warm!” #TheArchers #Friends

Chelsea: “Vince, the ambulance is on its way.” Josh: “And a fire engine.” Vince: “You mean…” Chelsea: “Yes – we’re recording an emergency podcast episode!” #TheArchers

Chelsea: OMG, Josh!” Josh: “Yeah, Joshy.” #TheArchers #BigBrother #YeahJackie

Man: “Hello? Hello?” Chelsea: “Vince, someone’s here. Hello?” Vince: “Who is it?” Chelsea: “I dunno. But I think he’s regenerating… Help! We need help! We need… a DOCTOR!” #TheArchers #DoctorWho

Chelsea: “I don’t know what to do, Vince, I don’t know what to do!” Vince: “Well what does it say in the script? Look, we’re here, at the top of p17?” #TheArchers

Ruth: “But why? Why isn’t Josh here?” Ben: “Because he’s filming something called ‘Fog City’?” Ruth: “I have a bad feeling about this. Archers who go to the Americas for a bit tend to come back recast.” Tom: “Hello!” #TheArchers

Ruth: “This Crème Brûlée’s amazing, Ben! We were lucky to book them at such short notice.” Ben: “Oh, I think they’re always available, Mum.” #TheArchers #LeagueOfGentlemen

Vince: “Chelsea, move!” Chelsea: “What?” Vince: “Chelsea, The Tea Factory! Move to The Tea Factory before it’s too late!” Chelsea: “OMG! Aaaaaaargh!” #TheArchers

Chelsea: “Where has all this stuff come from?” Vince: “The writers’ room, I think.” #TheArchers

Vince: “Blimey, hang on a sec – there’s something in the road…” Chelsea: “What is it?” Vince: “I dunno – I think it’s some kind of interdimensional portal leading to an alternate universe where we’re all played by actors...” #TheArchers

Chelsea: “Blimey, this is a bit scary now.” Vince: “It’ll be alright. They might keep us in Birmingham after all.” #TheArchers #KeepTheArchersInBrum