Juan Rivera, P.E.

Relax, MAGA. The NFL booking Bad Bunny for the Super Bowl halftime show is not some act of wokeness. The NFL loves money above all else and are trying to expand the game into Latin America. That being said, I’m so excited about Puerto Rican representation at the Super Bowl. 🇵🇷

BREAKING: Homeland Security asks Portland residents to immediately report any instances of malfunctioning escalators.

Trump loyalists must now do a cost-benefit analysis between risking indictment from the democrats when Trump is finally gone or risking indictment from Trump himself when you inevitably piss him off after you helped him stay.

Sorry Disney+ Hulu, I’m not re-subscribing until I see some big changes like you start defending the 1st Amendment and lower your price to $3.99 a month.

Tylenol tablets: Now with a new special coating designed to delay release of Epstein files.

Comedy is being dragged back to the Lenny Bruce era and not in the good way. #JimmyKimmel

Alleged Charlie Kirk murderer Tyler Robinson attended a technical college in hopes of becoming an electrician. Instead he was radicalized by exposure to trans ideology…. I mean the classes were all about transformers, transistors, transducers, transponders, transceivers, transmitters…

All Taylor Robinson wanted out of college was to become an electrician but he was radicalized by a professor teaching about transformers.

This is going to become a Halloween costume, isn’t it?

BREAKING: Latest Jobs Report sees sharp rise in manufacturing of excuses to hide the Epstein Files.

If MAGA had existed at the end of World War II, they be like “Well, we know there is a list of people who helped Hitler perpetrate the Holocaust but we can’t reveal the names on that list because they are rich and some are still in positions of power”.

Breaking: US Navy sinks drug trafficking boat off coast of Venezuela, severely disrupting Don Junior’s weekend party plans.

My dream scenario is he dies in the golf course while making a shot from the sand trap. You know, shot in the bunker.

BREAKING: Rudy Giuliani involved in serious car accident overnight. He’s been treated for his injuries at John Hopkins Total Landscaping and Gardens.

Nobody truly knows where Donald Trump is now. His last known location was The Epstein Files.

BREAKING: Former President Barack Obama demands to see Donald Trump’s real death certificate.

BREAKING: New survey shows baby Donald Trump surpasses baby Adolph Hitler as “Baby most likely to be murdered by future time travelers”.

Today’s mass shooting at a Minnesota school is a stark reminder to all republican politicians that it’s getting late to schedule their annual holiday family photo with all their guns.

When it happens, you're probably not even going to learn about it directly before you feel it in the air. You'll just hear car horns and cheering in the streets. You'll feel confused, annoyed. You'll check your phone. Huh, 41 new texts.

Gavin Newsom stands up to Trump with the confidence of a man who knows he’s not on Epstein’s list.

You have to understand that when Trump complains about “crime-ridden cities” what he means is “there are a lot of black people just being visible going about their daily lives and that makes me uncomfortable”.

Ghislaine Maxwell went from maximum security to minimum security/work-release-program faster than you can say "Donald Trump is on the Epstein Files"

I honestly couldn't care less what that bigoted fascist, child rapist Trump has to say. This is a white people problem and white people need to stand up to him and fix it.

The ballroom Trump wants to build at the White House is so large, that just 35 of them together would cover the entirety of Epstein’s Island.

Attorney General Pam Bondi: “The Epstein files have been lost in the Hawaii tsunami. However the tsunami has unearthed Obama’s real birth certificate and it’s now on my desk for complete review.”

The one thing the death of Ozzy Osbourne and the death of Hulk Hogan have in common is that in both instances, I was saddened by the death of Ozzy Osbourne.

Opinion: The Biblical Case for Pedophilia By Speaker Mike Johnson

CNN: The Wall Street journal is reporting that in May, AG Pam Bondi and her deputy informed the president at a meeting in the white house that his name was in the Epstein files.

When I was a teenager, Reagan told us to be afraid of Ozzy Osbourne. Forty years later, I am terrified of Reagan's fascist legacy.

Dear Media, I really... REALLY... do not care about Bill Cosby's opinion on the passing of Malcolm Jamal Warner. Let's not stain Mr. Warner's legacy like that.

When he dies, I won’t be providing the cyanide but I’ll be handing out the Kool Aid.

Puerto Ricans did not cross the US border. The US border crossed into our island. 🇵🇷

Pro Tip: Republicans are not blocking the release of the Epstein files to protect Bill Clinton.

Superman is white foreigner, so technically that would make him an "expat".

Now that Elon’s American Party is a real thing, you can look at his AP party and the GOP and say unironically that both parties are the same.

Texas basically traded their early flood warning system for posters of the Ten Commandments in classrooms.

Sure you’ll lose your Medicaid and whatnot but at least you kept Lia Thomas from getting a swimming medal.

You just know the next cabinet meeting is going to reek of Trump Cologne. Specially Marco Rubio, he’s going to gargle that swill.

If you had "The Idaho shooter was a MAGA" in the betting pool, congratulations, you only win 1¢ because everybody guessed correctly.

MAGA just handed Bezos his biggest wedding gift: Billions in tax cuts!

Wearing a maga hat is now an open invitation to get spit on.

If you’re in the military and have not quit yet, you too are a warmonger pig.

I hate Trump. I hate everything he stands for. I hate everyone who voted for him.

Walked past this place in Barcelona, Spain, just off La Rambla. No we didn’t dine there.

I’m done with the notion that any criticism of Israel, however small, amounts to antisemitism.

I bet both Biden and Kamala knew about the Ukrainian plans and were laughing their asses off when they heard Trump tell Zelenskyy “You have no cards”.

I would imagine Tulsi Gabbard is now terrified that Putin is mad at her for failing to find out about Ukraine’s drone attack.

I can imagine Putin is very upset at his intelligence services not knowing about this drone attack, specially the failure of his intelligence assets in the Oval Office and the US Director of National Intelligence.

Not only did Ukraine pull this major attack off without Putin knowing, he did it without Trump knowing. That’s impressive.

Dear Elon, Just because you are a Nazi, that does not make you Wernher Von Braun. #SpaceX #Starship