Keith Bergman

Seems to me That you lived your life Like a Chumbawamba skin Decorating My old profile In the twenty tens

I could start talking about my kids now and not stop until the minute I die and I wouldn't be finished yet, and yeah I'm a little eloquent but that's not a flex, it's just what a normal parent who loves their kids and hasn't completely been consumed by their job and these fuckass times is like

If you say it loud enough you'll always sound precocious

The MAGA talking points have dropped. Abdul is "arrogant" for daring to speak truth to a white troll and Obama is "elitist" for using Cheesecake Factory as a tactical nuke in a roast. Not even joking that I'm waiting for "uppity" to come back in the wingnut lexicon.

Elon Musk is a strong-smelling, warm, and sweet-scented substance traditionally obtained from a glandular secretion of the male musk deer, or from similar secretions of animals like the civet, muskrat, and otter. It's literally right in his name!

Why is the press pool covering Trump? If he's just gonna make shit up and yell at them like an old man with their frisbee on his roof, and they totally had an out to stop, why did they go back? He's not saying anything remotely newsworthy. Let the old shitbag stew in his rage feces alone.

Gas prices in Ohio just spiked right back up to where they were before they paused the gas tax. Weird how that keeps happening when the Strait of Hormuz is 4000% open and we've won the war with Iran fickety-three times. Inexplicable really

Elon Musk got off on the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people he never met after he gutted USAID. A few innocent Ukrainians is just a maintenance dose. However perverse you think these people are, they're worse.

"I'm Timmy Teepell." "And I'm TOMMY Teepell!" "And we want YOU! to come on down to Teepelltown A-1 Motors, on the strip just north of I-273 near the Waffleteria." "That's right Dad, the whole tri-state area knows, there's no such thing as bad credit when you're, say it with me now, TEEPELL PEOPLE"

Team Vivek platforming Amy Acton's birth mother, who sided with her abuser and who she hasn't spoken to since 1978, is a next-level diabolical wink to every no-contact boomer in MAGA and that makes it even more disgusting

[logs into Bluesky for the first time in six days] Ken Paxton always looks like he just nutted on someone's coat

HAMMER OF JUSTICE CRUSHES YOU... but you know, not in a political way, just in a fun night out with heavy music and your bros sort of way, let's not get all in the weeds with who's actually crushing who with what ... OVERPOWAAAAH

Somebody calls me on the phone Say "hey, Karoline's goin' home. You want to meet the press? Your resume's a mess You want to say you took the Chinese bar?" I'm a lawyer on the Chinese bar Lyin' for Trump's gonna take me far Just say I took the Chinese bar In reading class I never got a gold star

You know, if Trump’s under too much scrutiny now to molest fourth graders, it’s nice for him to at least get a press secretary that reads aloud at that grade level

Sausage and lentil soup from scratch because October heatwave be damned it’s soup season in this prefecture

MAGAnauts on Facebook looking for all their hate buddies now that the Russian bot farm got blown up

just saw someone comment VOTE NO ON LIBRARYS and I'm gonna need the writers to be a little less on-the-nose for the rest of my day, thank you

Phonelight pierces the gloom of my filthy hovel. Another news item of nihilistic incompetence. The world boils. Grief and pain are all we feel. I sigh. It is time to put my phone on a tripod and clack my fingernails on the shell of a Pitfall cartridge while asking if anyone remembers video games.

Trump talking about his enemies being freaks while he's got Aunt Gladys in the fuckin' Oval Office today

A month before a referendum on his rule and the best they can do to explain away his words is “he’s not evil, he’s senile!”

Rest in piss, Jim Bakker. I wish there was a hell where the nice old lady on my paper route who lived like shit and sent you money got to spit in your face for eternity.

Guy has CD collection worth avg of $4800 on Discogs. I tell him I can pay 30% of that and pick up at his door, hours away. "I was looking for $3500 so that ain't gettin' me there." Sir this isn't a car. It's 500 microtransactions and padded mailers. You want those margins, welcome to retail dude.

"8647" = imminent threat of political violence "we're gonna put them down and stick it up their ass" = you know how papaw gets when his nappy's chafin'

The parent-of-a-twentysomething urge to recite the four things that need done today Dora the Explorer style under one's breath over and over all day long whether or not one actually crosses any of the four things off the list

So am I but you don't hear me bragging about it

I wish I loved anything as much as old white guys at record shows love wearing AI slop t-shirts about how much going to record shows rocks

Working on my little retro game more this week. You flip over dice, create hands to clear them, then move along the cleared spaces toward home. Imps come out and ambush you into playing mini-games with them. Water is impassible but you can terraform the shallow bits. Really enjoying making this one.

Doctor Doctor Gimme the news I am the sad clown You referred me to

Today in “simple breakfast that quickly got out of hand,” I present scrambled eggs, cheese grits, and conecuh sausage with sauteed onion, green pepper and mushrooms.

Can Rahm Emmanuel and Gavin Newsom enter the same room and explode in a singularity of douchiness by end-of-year so we don't have to spend 2028 pretending either one of them's worth a shit in order to maybe sort of escape full-blown dipshit fascism?

It's gotta be freeing to live with that little embarrassment

Wife's got a work friend over so I made pulled pork 'nachos' over home fries for everyone. Very much a "we're not going out later" meal.

OHIO RADIO AD: every kid in the USA is a gay trans commie now and Sherrod Brown personally surgeried them with his own scalpel ME: no way anyone believes this cartoonish bullshit HALF OF OHIO: omg who knew, I better vote for Bribey McDatacenter, thanks for the info you selfless oligarchs

They took away 'hide all from' as an option for shitty Facebook accounts in my feed. Now I get 'interested/not interested' and a chance to snooze the account for 30 days. This is like falling off the Titanic, being dragged onto a lifeboat, then having the captain steal your oar for kindling.

Crazy slow day on my sales platforms, no new messages, fall is in the air and I feel melancholy and invisible. Better go post about it on the platform where I get zero engagement

Wastin' away again with Tommy Tuberville Lookin' for some hot pics of your junk Some people claim that only furries fly planes But I know, that's how dumb coaches talk

I'd rather not elaborate further, but you ever think maybe they got the wrong guy?

I know he had funny social media for a minute there but we all know Gavin Newsom would absolutely try to kick the football every single time Lucy promised she wouldn't pull it back, right?

Another day of breathtaking competence

Fifth Third Bank: if we rename enough ballparks after ourselves, you might stop wondering why our name is so awkward and stupid (tm)

"Keith, cards on the table here. "Dinnertime is still seven long hours away. "Yet thanks to special interests (that stupid other cat) my bowl is already EMPTY at a critical juncture. "Our deadline for zoomies and windowsill nap is fast approaching. "Can you rush a churu donation?" - DemoCat

Dems pissing down their own legs about anti-trans attack ads are just honoring one of America's time-honored traditions: allowing the shittiest assholes in the country to completely set the narrative and lead them around by the nose in an endless game of stop-hitting-yourself

If they're willing to treat Mitch McConnell, one of their own architects of evil, this badly at the end of his service to their nihilistic cause, imagine how little they give a shit what happens to you, a far less useful idiot

"Hear me out... what if we let them win the midterms, but then gas gets so expensive they can't afford to run the equipment to tear down the Kennedy Center? Ehh? EHHHH???" - Democratic strategists probably

Putting my own harm-reduction theories to a sore test by voting this fall for Marcy Kaptur, a 900-year-old do-nothing Republican-lite built for an era when the most strenuous thing she'd have to do was cut ribbons at the opening of new shopping plazas, because her opponents are so vehemently evil

EXT: remote third world village KID: Hey everyone! New t-shirts are here! Someone must have lost a sports game in America! [opens BOX to reveal 75,000 pointing-Joe-Biden "I did that!" stickers] KID: what the fuck?

Made a breakfast bowl with tater tots, spam, egg, mushroom, onion, green pepper and cheese. Did I garnish it with Texas Pete hot sauce and a slivered piece of pickled okra? Yes I did, and I demand a food truck immediately.

Be it known that my 6,666th feedback on Discogs was a very nice comment about an evangelical praise and worship CD I sold to someone. Amen!

New evidence exposes the Radio Star's checkered past and may exonerate Video altogether. Check out my 12-part podcast, BUGGLED.

Guess if we didn't want the Kennedy Center bulldozed we shouldn't have burnt the pot roast