Kellen Erskine

As an introvert I love the idea of going to an escape room but not to solve it

When the last member of 98 Degrees dies let’s rename the group “Room Temperature”

My timely review of Stranger Things: Season 1: Perfect. Seasons 2-5: Wait no stop I don’t care about teenagers in love

I’m finally at a place financially where I could afford a luxury super-quiet dishwasher but it doesn’t matter because I no longer sleep in the same room as my dishwasher

I’m jealous of bears because they sleep for five months straight and also get to attack loud campers

I don’t think I’m a center-of-the-universe person but every SINGLE time I CC myself on an email and get an alert for that same email I immediately think “Oh fun someone sent me an email!”

Benadryl: side effects include drowsiness but mostly cutting your fingers on the packets

I’ll give you 5 stars if you can drive without asking what I do for work

*Me as an audiobook director after the voice artist has just finished East of Eden* “Great now let’s try it again with a little more pep”

The dump: garbage Storage unit: garbage indoors

My generation’s “uphill both ways” is “when I was in school I had to use my own thoughts”

Mount Rushmore isn’t even the Mount Rushmore of presidents

I hate that I’m at an age where I look at huge lawn decorations and my Christmas wonder has deflated into “But where do they store all that?”

N N N N N N (sound of someone sleeping on their side)

Imagine being an unpopped kernel watching your friends burst inside out and eaten from a pile

I bet it’s funny when the canary just dies of old age and those miners scramble for no reason

I often leave sit-down restaurants realizing the tip I left would’ve bought a meal somewhere else I rather would’ve eaten

Imagine how insane the world would be if all animals knew how to throw stuff

I like lazy people because they don’t practice the saxophone three hours a day across from my bedroom window

Recycling is paper or plastic or anything at all if my trash can is full

You never know how many useless things you know until you train someone at work

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

I always have the words "Just Married" on my car so no matter how I'm driving I assume every honk is congratulatory

Confidence is sitting in the middle seat of a plane but still controlling the window shade

Shows coming up in Santa Cruz, Salt Lake, San Francisco, Phoenix Albuquerque and more, KellenErskine.com for tix

“PLEASE NO GREEN GLOW STICKS” -Superman inviting people to a rave

You each know who you are… Shows coming up in UT, CA, AZ, NM kellenerskine.com

I order ginger ale on planes like they don’t sell it anywhere else