MickDundee58

A nose walked into a Bar and asked for a drink. The Bartender said, "I can't serve you, you are already off your face."

"What do you call an angry bow and arrow?" "A crossbow."

"What do you get if you put a catheter in a Pharmacist?" "A harmacist." "Because you remove the 'P'."

"What do you call a shoe made out of a Banana?" "A slipper."

Me: "Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down near the Church." Wife: "Did you hand it in?" Me: "Not yet, I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the Devil or the answer to a prayer."

Good morning from Seven Hills, NSW, Australia, where at 8.15 am on Tuesday, October 27, it is a cloudy 16°C. Car due for Rego check, will drop it in while shopping. Then if it doesn't rain, will mow down back yard. Have a great day, keep smiling, talk later. 😀

Me: "I can't decide what to have." Waiter: "How about the duck?" Duck: "I'll have the lasagne."

I was asked if I would do a Bunjee Jump for Charity. I said, "I would if I was pushed."

"What computer is most likely to win a Grammy?" "A Dell."

"I failed my Maths Exam yesterday." "That's the 3th time."

"My wife uses a kitchen tool to shred garlic and blue cheese, both of which I hate." "It really is the grater of two evils."

"My wife said I was immature, so I've banned her from my tree-house."

"My friend died when she saw a wild Ox wearing a knitted jumper." "It was a cardi yak arrest."

"What do old people call Happy Hour?" "Nap time."

I will find out all on Monday, Nov. 2. Have two Oncology Appointments at two different Hospitals on the same day. Timing will be essential. 😀

Cannula in arm, waiting to go to CT Scanner. 🤞

Last time I was in London I asked a passer by: "Excuse me, how do I get to Paddington?" He said: "I would steal his marmalade sandwiches . . . that should work."

"Our local Taxidermist was off last week, so I had to fill in for him."

"My Tailor is happy to make a pair of trousers for me." "Or at least sew it seams."

"I was thinking of giving my wife some Roses for her Birthday, not sure whether to give her 6, 12 or the whole tin."

"I have stopped my kids from going to an Orchestra." "Too much Sax and Violins."

Oh dear, the inventor of Autocorrect has died. I didn't even know he was I'll.

"I have a friend that drives a Steamroller." "He's such a flatterer."

Not bad for Spring. 😀

"What was it like before the Crowbar was invented?" "Crows drank at home."

"What are the three rings of Marriage?" Engagement. Wedding. Suffering.

"What do you call a line of people at a Toy Store waiting to buy the latest Barbie Doll?" "A Barbeque."

Good morning from Seven Hills, NSW, Australia, where at 9.45 am on Sunday, October 25, it is a sunny 27°C and warming up. Visitors left after breakfast. My garden arch last Sunday & today. Can just squeeze through gap, will trim when flowers drop. Have a great day, talk later, keep smiling. 😀

"I'm starting a Photography Business from home soon." "I'll let you know if anything develops."

On my way to dinner at Seven Hills RSL Club with these 3 'girls', may stay for the 'Show' . . . Saturday night out. 😀

Good morning from Seven Hills, NSW, Australia, where at 9.30 am on Saturday, October 24, it is a misty 22°C, left girls in bed and been to shops, 3 big bags of groceries $128, 'travellators' lock your trolley in place. Have a great day, take care, keep smiling, talk later. 😀

Police stopped two Ministers in their car and said to them, "we are looking for a couple of child molesters. The Ministers looked at each other, then said to the Police Officer, "OK, we will do it."

A Higgs-boson particle goes into a Church. The Priest says, "we don't want your sort in here." The Higgs-boson particle replies, "but you can't have mass without me."

I took my son to the Pet Store, and he wanted to get a Porcupine that had lost all its quills. I said, "that seems pointless."

"What do you call a Vicar on a motorbike?" "Rev."

"Why don't they eat Sloths in America?" "Because it's not fast food."

Why did Shakespeare only write using quills? Because pencils confused him. 2B or not 2B? That is the question.

What did the Photon say when the Hotel Clerk asked if he needed help with luggage? "No thanks, I'm travelling light."

Good morning from Seven Hills, NSW, Australia, where at 8.30 am on Friday, October 23, it is a dreary 19°C. Just back from having a blood test for my Oncologist, wondering if I should have drank all that lovely wine yesterday? To late, done. Have a great day, keep smiling, talk later. 😀

Have 5 family members here at the moment, numerous bottles of wine and music playing in the background. So will be off the air for the rest of the day. Can't concentrate and entertain simultaneously. Talk tomorrow. ❤️

Good morning from Seven Hills, NSW, Australia, where at 11.30 am on Thursday, October 22, it is a wet, miserable day, I wii do my best to cheer it up. Shopping at 7 Hills, then taking girls to Club, lunch & a twirl on the pokies( Not me). Have a great day, keep smiling, talk later. 😀

"Why was the Equal sign so humble?" "Because he knew he wasn't greater than, or less than, anyone else."

"If slow, old people use walking sticks, what do fast, old people use?" "Hurry canes."

"Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they never meet."

"What did the Doctor say to the short guy who was in a hurry?" "You're going to have to be a little patient."

"What do you call an Acid with an attitude?" "A-mean-o acid."

"Why do Chemists like Nitrates so much, because they make more than when on day rates."

"When koi fish are attacked, koi (a), (b) and (c) scatter . . . leaving behind the (d) koi."

"I had an unhealthy obsession with lunar phases." "I'm really happy that I don't anymore, in fact I'm over the moon."